Taking a Marriage from Good to Great

Darleen I want to save my Marriage and my Family what can I do?

I have witnessed marriages in some incredibly challenging situations—relationships marked by pain and even destruction. I’ve seen some of these relationships heal and others come to an end. But I’ve also had the privilege of seeing truly remarkable marriages.

As a Marriage Therapist, I can assure you that it’s possible to elevate your marriage to new heights—if you have the right tools. Relationships are fundamental to our lives, providing peace, support, and connection. Yet they can also be demanding, especially when shaped by unrealistic expectations. While every relationship requires effort, marriage is a uniquely powerful bond that, when nurtured, can become both deeply fulfilling and resilient. I know this firsthand: I’ve been married to my partner for nearly 40 years. Was he always "Mr. Wonderful," and was I always who I am now? Not quite! We have fine-tuned our behaviours over time, and one truth we have learned is that being "selfish" simply does not work.

One of the most essential elements for a successful relationship is setting realistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Many enter marriage expecting their partner to fill every void and bring constant happiness, but this expectation can be burdensome and unrealistic.

Communicating Expectations

When we first fall in love, everything feels fresh and exciting; emotions are heightened, and there is an excitement in every encounter. However, over time, these intense emotions naturally evolve. It is important to understand that the dynamic between partners will change as the relationship matures. This shift does not imply a loss of love but rather the deepening of it. Love in a long-term marriage often grows to be steady, grounded, and based on shared experiences and understanding rather than the intense emotions of early romance or sexual attraction.

Just because the “fireworks” of initial infatuation may settle it does not mean the love is any less meaningful. In fact, many find that as the relationship deepens, their bond is richer and more substantial than it was at the beginning, I certainly do.

“My Spouse Will Make Me Happy”

A common expectation in marriage is believing that your spouse will bring you endless happiness or resolve personal insecurities. While marriage can indeed bring great peace and joy, it is unrealistic to expect another person to be solely responsible for our happiness. Relying on a partner to maintain our sense of self-worth can lead to strain in the relationship, particularly if we are not at peace with ourselves. Instead, self-awareness and self-compassion are vital for a healthy, balanced relationship.

Early in my marriage, I found myself struggling with insecurities, expecting my partner to fill the gaps in my self-confidence. Much of this came from unresolved feelings of abandonment when my father left at a young age. Childhood trauma profoundly shapes our adult lives, influencing how we attach to others. Over time, I realised it was essential to build a strong sense of self-worth that did not rely on external validation. This shift toward self-reliance not only improved my mental health but also eased the pressure on my spouse to manage my emotional stability, ultimately strengthening our relationship.

Our childhood experiences profoundly shapes our adult lives, influencing how we attach to others. Over time, I realised it was essential to build a strong sense of self-worth that did not rely on external validation. This shift toward self-reliance not only improved my mental health but also eased the pressure on my spouse to manage my emotional stability, ultimately strengthening our relationship.

Our childhood experiences—whether through guidance, parenting, or other life events—play a powerful role in shaping who we become. If you find yourself reacting with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or even shutting down when you and your partner disagree, it might be a sign that you’re psychologically “stuck” in a pattern from the past. Recognising this can be the first step toward growth and healthier, more resilient relationships. Therapy encourages a "Growth Mindset" without judgment or shame.

The Importance of a Strong Springboard

One of the greatest gifts we can give in a marriage is a healthy, whole version of ourselves, it is your personal responsibility to be the best version of yourself for your spouse and your children. When we know who we are and feel secure in our own happiness, we contribute more positively to the relationship. Rather than focusing on what we expect to receive, we can focus on what we offer to our partner. This shift from “what can I get” to “what can I give” is transformative. It leads to a more harmonious partnership, where both individuals feel valued and understood.

Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great

By grounding our expectations and working on self-awareness, we can create a marriage that is not only good but truly great. This does not mean perfection or the absence of challenges. It means building a partnership that is resilient, supportive, and deeply rewarding. When both partners commit to their own personal growth and view the marriage as a space to enrich each other’s lives, the relationship becomes an uplifting journey—one that grows stronger with time.

In the end, a successful marriage is about embracing change, nurturing respect, and developing a deep understanding. By setting realistic expectations and focusing on self-improvement, you can create a relationship that not only endures but flourishes.

Here is a simple assignment for you—it is easy, and you might find it quite rewarding! For the next week, take just a minute each morning to intentionally set your mind toward giving rather than taking. Think of one small thing you can do to make your spouse’s day a little brighter.

As you focus on ways to bring them happiness, you may find your own happiness growing too. Over time, this simple habit can help create a marriage you both genuinely enjoy.

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Kindest Regards

Darleen Barton

Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author 2010

Practitioner Dr h.c

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