Taking heart when our heart breaks

Greg Jemmett 20 Sep 2020

When we cling to failure, it can define us, our direction in life and prevent us from moving on. Now, it may not be that we're consciously clinging to a particular outcome in the hopes of repeating it. Rather it might be that we are stuck in a particular mindset which is unable to see a path away from our current perspective.

It might be that we can't believe a particular relationship has ended in divorce, an ideal job has been lost because of retrenchment, or a dream project has crashed and burned. Of course there is the necessary and perfectly normal step of reflection, and following this there will be a few more steps as we process the loss (denial and isolation, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance). This process however, speaks to a change of heart, and very often that comes about with a breaking of that very same heart. There may be pain, a crisis and a feeling of being completely undone. But, the important thing to know, is that a paradox needs to be embraced at this point in order for us to progress. Certainly, those incredibly powerful feelings need to be acknowledged and felt, because they are very real and a true indication of the depth of our loss. But this is also the very point at which where we need to learn to take heart because this isn't necessarily the end of our story.

It is interesting to note that denial and isolation are part of the same step in the process of loss. In moving forward then, this speaks to embracing community and the support of our loved ones, and perhaps even a paid professional to help us heal. And in embracing community, it might be that a new one may need to be found. Perhaps the loss of a particular circumstance has also involved the loss of those formerly nearest and dearest to us.

There is a word I'd like to introduce at this point, which has been used insightfully since very ancient times: metanoia. It was well known in ancient Greek culture, and was personified in their mythology. It was and is fundamental in the reading of the Christian New Testament, and has even found it's way into the psychology of William James, Carl Jung, RD Laing and Jan Foudraine. You may know it as the potentially loaded English translation 'repentance', but it's more accurate meaning is 'to have a fundamental change of mind and heart'. It does however mean undergoing a conversion of sorts. It is only in this new state, that new perspectives, new truths and new paths may be discovered.

As in the Japanese art of kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired and joined together with gold dusted lacquer, we need not to hide where we have been broken, but we can also proudly show our healing, because both are part of the true part of our journey. Just as the former might seem inevitable, so the other always can remain a choice, but never in isolation.

So in a world of breaking hearts, learn to take courage in community, and in the words of Robert Schuller 'Let your hope, not your hurts shape your future'.