Taking the First Step: Moving Beyond Blame to Breakthroughs

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Picture a team of colleagues gathered for a meeting, each person physically or symbolically folding their arms. Tension seems to hover in the room. We sense that everyone harbors firm ideas about how others should behave or speak. Rather than stepping into dialogue, we wait—convinced that a shift must come from someone else. Meanwhile, opportunities for collaboration, insight, and trust remain stuck in limbo.

When we think about this scenario, we might recognize it in our own professional and/or personal lives. In times of uncertainty or high stakes, it’s natural to seek refuge in what feels safe and familiar. Research published by the Harvard Business Review (2018) shows that in moments of organizational stress, like-minded people are more likely to withdraw into their silos. This withdrawal can be a defense mechanism, a way to avoid blame or conflict. Although it might feel comforting to wait for others to move first, it often perpetuates divisions, fosters stereotypes, and halts progress.

Waiting for others to change first also comes at a cost. We limit our ability to spot potential opportunities, because we remain focused on how “they” should do things differently. We perpetuate negativity by engaging in conversations where each person highlights what they do not like about the “other” group. Consider a situation where a project gets stalled because two departments insist the other needs to adopt a new system or process. Each side believes they are right and that the other group should be the first to adapt. The bigger problem, though, is that both sides end up frozen. The media hightens our negativity and lack of trust with their “breaking news” headlines and chatter. Finding balanced noninflammatory dialogue about national issues is a challenge, thus we lose precious time, and we reinforce the idea that collaboration is fraught with risk instead of fueled by possibility. As Henry Ford once said, “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” When we focus on who’s at fault, we fail to find a way forward.

Another dimension of waiting for change from others is how it can reinforce stereotypes about “the other side.” Perhaps we label certain people as “old-fashioned” or “resistant,” without ever having a direct conversation about their perspective. When we avoid real dialogue, our untested assumptions solidify. We tell ourselves we already know why someone disagrees or seems uncooperative, so there’s no point in reaching out. Yet speaking directly with someone, even if it feels uncomfortable, can lead to insight that breaks down preconceived notions. A 2019 study by the American Psychological Association found that intergroup dialogue, when approached with genuine curiosity, drastically lowers prejudice and opens channels for shared understanding. By stepping out of our comfort zone, we begin seeing the person behind the stereotype, rather than reducing them to a fixed label.

In times of uncertainty, it’s common to cling to our safe bubbles. We retreat to the people and processes that validate our beliefs, because stepping outside of those realms can feel risky. Yet that very retreat magnifies mistrust and fear. When external pressures mount we look for certainty by sticking to the familiar. This is a subtle form of blame: we assume that if only others would change, we wouldn’t be so anxious. As organizational psychologist Dr. Tasha Eurich has noted, “Self-awareness is the foundation of high performance, smart choices, and lasting relationships.” If we are honest, we might see that our discomfort stems from a fear of changing ourselves, as opposed to a need for someone else to conform.

Another significant barrier to productive conversations is the “do it my way” approach, also known as the expert mindset. Expertise is valuable, but when we weaponize it—telling others that our method is the only correct path—we inadvertently create hierarchies and shut down debate. The environment becomes one where people follow instructions rather than contribute ideas. Trust erodes, and a true sense of belonging disappears. As Stephen R. Covey famously said, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions.” When we place ourselves on a pedestal of expertise, we forget that genuine collaboration is built on mutual respect and understanding.

So how do we shift from blame and withdrawal to more critical, open conversations? We start by asking questions instead of making assumptions. Instead of concluding that a friend, colleague, or family member is unwilling to listen, we can initiate a chat over coffee or schedule a quick video call where the sole purpose is to learn about their viewpoint. We also practice self-reflection. In conflict, it’s tempting to focus only on what the other side should do differently, but progress requires examining how we may be contributing to the impasse. A short personal reflection—or even a group debrief—can offer surprising insights into our role in the stalemate.

We then aim for shared responsibility. When each person takes even a small step—like inviting another to discuss mutual goals or clarifying personal concerns, we move from a standoff to a dialogue. Each act of proactive engagement unfreezes the stuck dynamics that keep us from finding common ground. Along the way, we must consistently remember that a common vision can shift our focus from “me” vs. “them” to “we.”

Trust and belonging flourish when people see that collective success matters more than individual pride. Celebrating small milestones of progress can help. Even if a conversation does not resolve everything, the very fact that it took place can build confidence in the process.

As Mahatma Gandhi wisely advised, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Instead of sitting back with our arms folded—whether physically or metaphorically—we can open those arms to invite dialogue and growth. I challenge all of us to identify just one situation where we’ve been waiting for someone else to take the first step. Let’s see if there’s a chance to become curious, ask a few more questions, and initiate a conversation. Real progress, belonging, and innovation thrive when we stop waiting and start engaging.