Taking the First Empowering Step to Heal from Abuse

The following is adapted from my new book: Boot Straps & Bra Straps: The Formula to Go from Rock Bottom and Back Into Action in Any Situation

When abuse occurs, personal boundaries are broken—boundaries that can take time and hard work to rebuild. 

If you’ve been abused, you may feel like you don’t have any limits in place anywhere in your life. But with awareness that life can be different, you can see healthy relationships, healthy families, or healthy work environments and know that those are possible for you, too.

Starting the healing process is often difficult, so let’s take a closer look at what you need to do to empower yourself, stop the cycle of abuse, and recover your life. 

Know That a Safe Future Is Possible

Abuse can twist and distort your idea of love, but love does not have to look like this. Your job or home life does not have to be like that. You are worthy and valuable, and you deserve a very different type of normal.

That awareness and a dose of self-love will allow you to begin to break the abuse pattern. It will build you up to have the strength to break the silence. Once you start to shift what’s okay, you also start to build boundaries, even if just a little bit at a time.

Envision the future you want for yourself and hold that image in your mind when you feel doubt. By redefining love and believing that you deserve to be treated with respect, you empower yourself to walk away from your abuser. Walking away from a relationship that no longer serves you is huge. It’s scary. There’s a time between when you first walk away from unbalanced, unhealthy relationships when you’re in this lonely place. 

But you realize, “I didn’t like what they did, and it doesn’t serve me. It’s not aligned with who I’m becoming.” 

Many women are afraid to be alone or go through this rejection from people who, unfortunately, may not believe you or may side with your abuser. When you start to honor yourself, however, you will stop attracting those kinds of people in your life. 

Build Your Boundary-Setting Muscle

When you walk away from the people who don’t treat you right, in any way, shape, or form, and surround yourself with your friends and family and people who love you and lift you up, you start to build a muscle—your boundary-setting muscle. 

Even small things are progress as you work on boundaries, strengthening that muscle so that you can set firm limits that will keep you from returning to the unhealthy situation, or moving into another, similar one.

You may want to practice what you’re going to say so you set the boundary in a loving yet firm way. Prepare what you’re going to say and repeat it, just like you use affirmations, so it comes out automatically. “No, that’s not an acceptable thing to say to me. I’m ending this conversation now.” Or, “No, I’m not going to be able to make it to that event. Thank you for the invitation.”

Part of building that boundary-setting muscle is getting used to saying no, which then allows you to say yes to something more important.

Replacing the Negative with the Positive

As you learn to say no and remove the negativity from your life, begin to find positive replacements. For example, say yes to your yoga practice or time with your children versus saying yes to working overtime or volunteering for something you don’t have the bandwidth for, that doesn’t even interest you, or that you’re “supposed” to do. 

Instead, say yes to what you really enjoy now. It could be meditation, singing, or studying personal development—anything that makes you happy. When you say yes to more of those things, you will align with and attract people who are also aligned with your values now.

On the other side of that tunnel of fear and loneliness is a new boundary, one that pronounces how you want to spend your time and who you value in your life. You value yourself first and then the other people you are aligned with. Your true north, your happiness, will bring you to the peer groups and relationships you need to support you as you continue moving forward.

Find Support as You Heal from Abuse

If healing from abuse seems easier said than done, it is. You may not be able to do it all on your own—and you don’t have to. Friends and family may be able to help, but you may also want to consider professional help, both with overcoming the aftereffects of abuse and with setting boundaries.

Healing from abuse is a difficult journey, but equipped with strong boundaries, a vision of a better future, and support from loved ones, you can leave the damage it caused in your past for good. 

For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find the book: Boot Straps & Bra Straps: The Formula to Go from Rock Bottom and Back Into Action in Any Situation  on Amazon.

Sheila Mac’s innate ability to find a glimmer of light in even the darkest of situations sets her apart from other mentors. With a focus on “Life-Style Re-Boots,” Sheila’s mission is to teach women how to find that light, as well. Along with speaking, teaching online courses, and coaching individuals, Sheila has also been a property investor and real estate team leader at Keller Williams in Beverly Hills. Through her book Boot Straps & Bra Straps, Sheila shows up for all the women who have shown up over and over for the people in their lives and now need someone to show up for them.