Taking control of our obligations: from “I’ve got to” to “I get to”

Singing is one of my hobbies, and this week it’s a hobby that’s getting pride of place in my life because I’m singing at Carnegie Hall on Friday evening. Not at the front of the stage in a big dress, I should say. I’m not a grand soloist with a magnificent voice. I’ll be at the back of the stage dressed in discreet black from head to toe, lined up with my choir, the Cecilia Chorus of New York.

I’ve performed at Carnegie Hall maybe half a dozen times, and it never gets any less thrilling. The familiar sound of the orchestra tuning up, the buzz of the tiered audience, the excitement of standing for the first downbeat, the camaraderie in the Green Room. I’ve made great friends in the choir, and my husband sings with them, too, which adds to the enjoyment.

Practice, practice, practice

But it’s a lot of work. People sometimes ask me how much time it takes, and the answer is probably about as much as you’d expect. It’s up to 3 hours of rehearsal every Monday, the occasional Saturday all-day rehearsal, some extra sectional practices, plus an expectation that you rehearse on your own at home multiple times a week. And obviously, importantly, there’s the dress rehearsal. It can sometimes feel like more than a hobby – more like a side hustle.

And when life and work are busy, it's easy sometimes to feel – and to say – “I’ve got to do this.” I’ve got to go to rehearsal, I’ve got to drill the notes, I’ve got to be in town every Monday.

But our very wise musical director, Mark Shapiro, said something at rehearsal last year that has really stuck with me:

“Isn’t it amazing that we get to do this?”

I was feeling pretty tired on the evening he said this. But my foggy head cleared immediately, and my energy soared. Yes. Yes, it is amazing that we get to do this. It is a choice and a privilege, and how lucky are we. That quick reframing of our commitment boosted my motivation and focus in a lasting way.

Autonomy and gratitude

Why is it so energizing to reframe a “I’ve got to” into an “I get to”? For two reasons, I think.

First, because all evidence points to autonomy being a deeply motivating psychological force. Feeling that we’re making a positive choice to do what we’re doing makes us feel competent and in control of our lives, which engages our brain’s reward system. Second, because saying “I get to do XYZ” reminds us that there’s something to be grateful for in the task at hand – which again tickles our reward system.

Failing that...

Sometimes, it doesn’t work to do a direct word swap. “I’ve got to go to the grocery store” doesn’t always translate to “I get to go to the grocery store, whoopee, lucky me.”

But I’ve found it often works to at least substitute the words “I choose to” instead of “I’ve got to” or “I should” or “I must” or “I have to.” Maybe: “I’m choosing to go to the grocery store, because I want to eat fresh food tonight.” And actually, for what it’s worth, earlier today I did manage to say “I get to go to the grocery store because we’re lucky enough to have a good one just a block away.” Yay. Not something to be taken for granted living in New York.

The more we own the choice – and perhaps the privilege – in what we’re doing, the more energized and in control of our lives we tend to feel. So next time you feel stretched and catch yourself saying “I’ve got to do this, sigh”, try rephrasing it and see if it makes a difference.

What do you get to do this week? What do you choose to do this week?

Let me know in the comments!

PS If you’re in NYC on Friday night, it would be wonderful to see you at Carnegie Hall! You can buy tickets here: https://ceciliachorusny.org/april-2023 and here’s a bonus photo of me in concert gear with my husband, ready for the stage: