Taking Care of Our Physical and Mental Wellbeing

Iowa State Bar Association President's Letter, September 2021

I have practiced family law for 25 years. As you can imagine, I have handled numerous cases where my own clients or the opposing party struggled with mental health and substance issues. As a result, I always felt that if my own children or other loved ones had similar struggles, I would be prepared. I was wrong.

When the pandemic started, school closed and activities were cancelled. That meant my family and I were spending all of our time together. During that time, my husband and I noticed that our 15-year-old daughter, Lilly, was not herself. To be fair, Lilly has always been a kid who has kept us on our toes. For example, when she was four, on Christmas Eve, she refused to take a bath because “she felt sick.” When I told her that if she was sick, Santa would not come, she responded by saying that “she did not say she was sick, but only that she felt sick.” (She is, after all, the child of two lawyers.)

This time things felt different. Typically a straight A student, she was struggling to turn in her homework and her grades were sliding. She spent a lot of time alone in her room. She expressed little interest in activities that she would normally be excited about. A chore or request to do something around the house would turn into a screaming match or result in Lilly breaking down in tears. If asked today, Lilly would describe that period as feeling like “she was slowly falling and could not do anything but watch herself fall.” Her grades were so bad she risked failing classes.

My husband and I struggled with how to respond. The usual “grounding” was not working. After all, she had no place to go, as everything was closed. Should we be tough and demand she do better? Should we attempt to help her navigate virtual school? Should we just let her figure it out all on her own? It was a daily struggle that caused many pointed discussions between my husband and me, as well as many sleepless nights. It seemed that nothing we did as parents could help Lilly, who was, and is, a smart and capable kid with straight A’s before March 2020.

To be clear – we are very lucky in so many ways. Lilly was not threatening to harm herself or other people. She has two parents who are on the same page about supporting her. She is from a family with financial and healthcare resources. Nevertheless, it was a difficult time for the entire family.

Looking back, I think about how badly I missed the signs of her struggle with her mental health. What I thought was teenage rebellion was an expression of her really struggling with an unprecedented change in her world that also impacted her mental health.

Eventually, we found her a great therapist. And while Lilly worked with her, the therapist also worked with my husband and me about our responses to Lilly about school performance or behavior at home. She encouraged us to really try to understand what was going on with Lilly – that while Lilly understood that her performance was not great, she felt overwhelmed to the point that she could not act. Peter and I really needed to be less judgmental and seek to understand what was going on with her.

During this time, I also found a quote from Walt Whitman - “Be curious. Not judgmental.” That hit home for me. I was being judgmental, and not curious, when dealing with my own child. As lawyers, we are expected to work with and assist many different types of people – including those with mental health issues. Often that client, or even a law partner, opposing counsel or a judge, may just seem difficult, but may be experiencing other struggles.

Many workplaces have wellness programs, but focusing on physical wellbeing is not enough. For example, in 2018, Gallup did a survey of Gen Z and Millennial workers (who now make up 46 percent of the fulltime workforce in the U.S.) about what they look for most in an employer. Those employees born between 1980 and 2001 overwhelmingly said they look for “the organization [that] cares about employees’ wellbeing.” (1)

As the president of The Iowa State Bar Association, I want you to know that our organization is taking the issue of lawyers’ wellbeing, and particularly mental wellbeing, very seriously. For many years, the ISBA has supported the Iowa Lawyers Assistance Program, which has focused its efforts on supporting lawyers with alcohol, drug and mental health issues. But we can and should do more, which is why the ISBA will be looking at how we can provide additional support to our members’ mental wellbeing. This issue of the Iowa Lawyer magazine provides some insight and tips.

I am happy to report that Lilly (and her parents) weathered this storm. The last quarter of the 2020-2021 school year, her grades were back to pre-pandemic levels. She enjoyed her first season of high school soccer. When I spoke to Lilly about writing this article and asked her permission to share it, she responded quickly and emphatically: “If it could help someone else, I am okay with you telling my story.” I hope that sharing our story will help. Whether it is a client, friend, family member or yourself, please know there are people who can help, and the ISBA wants to do its part as well.

Thank you for reading - feel free to contact me at Whitfield & Eddy, P.L.C. [email protected] (515) 288-6041.?

(1) 4 Things Gen Z and Millennials Expect From Their Workplace,” by Ed Boyle, March 30, 2021