Take Your Space, Not Your Place - Why Every Mother Should Take A Solo Adventure

Booking a solo trip to Greece at the age of 45, as a mother of 2, was decidedly harder than I thought it was going to be. It bore no correlation to the solo trip I took at 25 to South America, young, free and devoid of responsibility. This time I was leaving my children. I was going alone to a different country after 16 years of marriage. Frankly, it felt scary.

But after 13 years of mothering, I was starting to wonder about the other me. Not mother me, wife me or career me. Everyone knew these personas, the woman (like most of us) that runs between her career to being a personal taxi driver, chef, mediator and tutor, all for my two lovely but predominantly thankless children.

I thought for a long time about doing a solo trip to Greece but convinced myself I wouldn’t like it. ‘I’m happy with my life’, I told myself. ‘I like our routine of work and family’. 'I’m not travelling solo, that’s only for Julia Robert’s in Eat Pray Love’. If I wanted to travel, I should do it with my family or a friend. That was the right thing to do. That was my place.

But I am pleased to say that I did eventually get a grip, and out of a haze of the grind of daily life, I spontaneously went onto the Qantas site and clicked ‘Book Flight’. I left for Greece two weeks later.

For the first few days of the trip, the guilt and homesickness were tricky at best. Much of this mother guilt had come from within me, conditioned in all females from the date their children are born. Society tells mothers we must put our offspring first, our work second, and our own joy fitted into whatever cracks are left. This is endemically entrenched so much into the female being that the concept of mother guilt is a psychological term, crippling mothers everywhere to believe they do not deserve self-love against the needs of their offspring, which, of course, must always be paramount.

But the most truly fascinating thing was that the world around me felt the need to comment on my solo trip. Comments ranged from ‘Are you ok?’ To ‘Why are you going to Greece without your family and husband?’ There was also ‘You will hate it’, ‘Be careful, Greece is dangerous’, and my personal favourite after a confused face, ‘Are you doing a health retreat in Greece?’

Now the thing is that Greece isn’t dangerous. It is a very safe place to travel. I was also very ok; I had just booked a flight to take two weeks out of my life and my work. My marriage was fine, in fact, I couldn’t have loved my husband more for encouraging me to take this solo adventure. And I didn’t need a health retreat to justify my trip. So, all of these comments only highlighted one sad fact, the unconscious sexism which seeps into our lives without even realising we are doing it. The sexism which says, a mother cannot put herself first over her children, and if she does, something is wrong.

This is not the type of sexism you can report to your boss, or the type that is so obvious it smacks you in the face. No, this is the type that seeps out of cracks, presented as caring comments, often by women, to women. But this seeping, creeping sexism has a stench that you cannot ignore. Highlighting the simple fact that society says mothers are not meant to put themselves first. So, they certainly are not meant to be solo travellers, leaving children behind.

If a father goes off to his solo annual surfing trip, nobody assumes his marriage is breaking down. Nobody thinks about the partner left at home looking after the children for weeks. Nobody asks him if he’s doing a health retreat. It is just assumed that this man is going to have a well-deserved break from his tiring life, and good on him.

Comparatively, being an older solo female traveller is confusing for people. But it shouldn’t be. Women should be able to travel free from stigmas that mean we need to be with a partner or friend to be happy. Because let’s face it. Women execute much and do much single handedly within the confines of their normal environment. We grow our careers whilst managing our children. We run businesses and multiple family schedules. We keep the house running. We keep our partners sane. We keep ourselves sane. Of course, we are capable of going on a solo holiday to remind ourselves of who we are. This should be a compulsory part of our lives.

And before you say, yes, I hear you on the break front, but I would rather do it with a friend. Let me share my experience of the benefits of travelling alone.

Putting myself first on this trip and pushing out of my comfort zone has given me a sense of myself that became invisible. I got joy from freedom, new experiences and being alone and silent. I thought a lot, and not about the weekly routine or work. I thought about life and the world. With a friend, you are in orbit together, shielded from these incredible solo experiences which will be defining for you. Alone, you will notice more, be present, focus only on yourself and know that you and only you are in charge and responsible. And that, to me, is the real and true definition of freedom.

I took selfies in public because I had to, despite absolutely hating this at first. I bought a suncream self-applicator to put suncream on my back, myself. I enjoyed all of my meals in the quiet. I wandered down streets for hours thinking only of my surroundings. I had moments that were hard and moments that were great, but the highs and the lows were an essential part of my trip that only solo travel could achieve.

Finishing my trip, my confidence is greater, my care for what others think is less. My boundaries are again clearly set on what I can do and offer, and what I cannot and will not, and this includes with my children. I just feel so much better.

So, to all women and mothers reading this. I hope this inspires you to take that solo trip you’ve been considering. To think of nothing and everything. To take your space and remember who you are without your tribe. Your children will survive, your partner will be fine. And you will come back feeling more like you. And this is not about coming back to be a better mother, let’s not go there again. This is about coming back refreshed and knowing exactly who you are, and who you were before children. Having experienced, even for a brief time, the liberating feeling of doing exactly what you want, when you want, without compromise.

My children have now reported “it was more relaxed without you mum”, with my daughter adding quietly “but my screen time increased”. Apparently, the dog didn’t notice I was gone. This result couldn’t be better, and I will get onto planning my next solo adventure for another time soon. I hope you do too.