Take Your Communication and Connections to the Next Level With These 4 Tips

The following is adapted from Story Like You Mean It.

It’ll come as no surprise to you that human beings are social animals. We seek to connect with other people, to tell them what we think, what we feel, where we’ve been, and where we’re going. And, especially if you’re someone that struggles with this type of communication a little bit, it may come as no surprise that more and more of us find doing this difficult. 

If that’s you—if you’re someone who, like many people, doesn’t always know what to say or do to effectively communicate or connect with other people—then I want to let you in on a little secret. You can use story to communicate and connect with other people! In fact, when you learn to tell your own story, you’re well on the way to being able to build connections with anyone, in any situation. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how important that is!

Just got assigned a tough group project? Building a connection with your classmates or teammates will help you get the project done smoothly, with a minimum of frustration. 

Presenting vital information at a business meeting? You need to be able to communicate well—and build connections so your colleagues trust you—or you’ll never get anywhere!

In these kinds of situations and a hundred more, the right story will help you build and deepen your connections But once you have a core story, you need to be able to take it to the next level. There are four ways to do that, and they may surprise you. You’ll need to learn how to spot the stories other people tell, and you’ll need to be able to analyze them and then apply what they’re doing well to your own story. It takes practice, but if you can master these four tips, you’ll be amazed at how effective your story becomes. Ready? Let’s do it!

#1: Learn to Spot Other People’s Stories

Developing your own core story—what I’ve come to think of as your PeakStory—requires you to study yourself. You need to know yourself as well as you possibly can: what experiences shaped your view of the world, what your competencies and motivations are, what character traits you have. 

You have to understand where you are now and where you’re going. It requires a deep dive into your own psyche. 

Once you’ve done that work, you’re well on your way to being able to connect with other people. But to make those connections even stronger, you need to do more than know yourself. You need to be able to know other people, to spot the formative experiences in their stories.

Learning by observing others comes naturally to us as human beings. And that’s what you need to start doing. 

You recognize the obstacles you’ve overcome (your hero story). You know what it is to work with others to create something (the collaborative story). And you know what it is to think, “I love this thing I’m doing,” and lose track of time (the virtuous story). 

#2: Learn from Others

Now that you know these stories, you can start to spot them all around you. 

Maybe you prefer to spot stories from the comfort of your own home or office. If that’s the case, you could listen to TED Talks. Listen to how speakers introduce themselves, state their credentials. 

Or you could read a book. Or maybe you’re taking a bike ride and you want to listen to some stories, so you take an audiobook or call up a podcast or two. 

Whichever method you choose, try to find some collaborative stories that might have been formative for the person experiencing them. Can you see where their virtuous story starts to emerge? Give it a go!

#3: Pick Your Material

As you start to really listen for stories, you’ll find that you hear stories that you recognize. Maybe a story has the essence of a hero or collaborative story, even if you’re not spotting perfectly aligned formative experiences. 

It might not happen every time. Think of it like stargazing when the night is sometimes clear but sometimes cloudy. You might have to be really thoughtful and focused to find the essences.

Watch how people respond. When they hear a hero story, do they look like, “Wow, that person’s tough or strong or can accomplish things”? Notice the speaker, too. Are they energized when they tell a story? Do they shift tone? Does their voice sound more engaging? Are they more engaged? 

As you begin to notice these things, you start to get the tools to make your own story better. You start to see what works and what doesn’t. You can start to apply these things to your own story to improve your communication and deepen your connections.

#4: Harvest the Good Stuff

When you get good at spotting stories, you hear a lot of types of story paths. But you might also notice that, wow, people don’t really connect the dots. You hear that they’re excited about an experience, but they don’t connect it.

Most times, there’s nothing you can do. It’s not your story, dammit. It’s the other person’s. All you can do is listen and try to lay up moments of connection, try to harvest some good stuff, because you’re completing their narrative in your head—that’s the risk when you don’t connect your dots.

It’s frustrating, but you don’t get to tell anyone else’s story. Stick to your own. And use what you learned to improve your own story. Use your insight to help other people connect with you on a deeper level. Make sure you’re connecting the dots and communicating your story well.

Keep on Refining

Having a cohesive, powerful story that weaves together who you are and shows other people your value is so important to creating connections with others. It gives people a map to how to see you. It shows them your worth. 

Once you have your core story, you’ve done a lot of the work. But if you truly want to make your communication and connections as strong as possible, you have to keep refining. It’s a constant work in progress—but you can use the four tips we discussed here as a guide to take your story to the next level. 

For more advice on creating a powerful story that will help you build connections and shape how people see you, you can find Story Like You Mean It on Amazon.

Dr. Dennis Rebelo is a professor, speaker, and career coach. He is the creator of the Peak Storytelling model, his research-based method for crafting the narrative of who you are and what drives you and why, utilized by former professional athletes turned nonprofit leaders as well as entrepreneurs, CEOs, guidance professionals, and advisers throughout the world.

Dr. Rebelo, former president of Alex and Ani University and co-founder of the Sports Mind Institute, recently received the 2020 Thomas J. Carroll Award for Teaching Excellence at Roger Williams University. He currently resides in Rhode Island.