Take a Self-Compassion Break

What might it take to break the cycle of rumination?

Dear Ones:

Why are we so good at beating ourselves up?

No, seriously. Is it just me or has much of humanity perfected the art of self-flagellation? I break a glass, I tell myself I’m an idiot. I miss a turn while driving, and I'm a distracted driver. I say the wrong thing in a social setting, and I’ve convinced myself I’m a terrible friend. Objectively speaking, I did break the glass, I did miss the turn, and I did put my foot in my mouth, but none of those singular data points are conclusive evidence that I’m an idiot, a distracted driver, or a terrible friend. So why do we so readily turn these minor mishaps into full-blown identity crises?

It seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? As a species, we are driven towards self-preservation at nearly all costs. Our brains are evolutionarily hard-coded to do whatever it takes to ensure we are fed and hydrated, our status is preserved, and our genes have a high likelihood of being passed down to another generation. Humankind has gotten this far on this earth because we are survivalists. But one of the subversive ways we’ve ensured our species survival is by developing the ability to obsess and learn from our past mistakes. We ruminate.

Rumination - it’s what separates us from the apes. Literally. Humankind’s ability to reflect critically on the negative events of the past is one of the things that differentiates us from all other primates (at least as far as research can tell us today). We are unique in our ability to recall with painful clarity (and usually on a loop) that one time we embarrassed ourselves in front of our peers, that one test we failed, that singular terrible performance review. Psychologists like Rick Hanson (author of Hardwiring Happiness) believe that this ability to focus on the negative developed as a way to mitigate future physical harm. As early humans, our ability to clearly recall the fear that a dark cave might house a saber-toothed tiger likely saved us from becoming a snack and let us live to see another sunrise. In an age of untold physical threat, rumination kept our species alive and paved the path for our ascent towards the top of the food chain on our planet.

But by and large, we aren’t faced with many saber-toothed tigers these days, are we? Our finely tuned cognitive threat response is all dressed up with no place to go. So, instead of helping us to avoid physical threats it turns to the saber-toothed tiger of our age - social threats. Loneliness, isolation and rejection have become the big cats of our contemporary rumination. Research points to the fact that our minds are not adept at distinguishing between the threats present in social media (for example) and “real life”, creating physiological responses (like inflammation) simply from getting into a Facebook fight with your family.

So, what do we do with this information? How can we leverage our evolutionary hardwiring for self-preservation in a way that serves us in this modern world?

Here's the good news: just because our brains are wired for rumination doesn't mean we're powerless. Researchers across the fields of mental wellness have been studying how we might soften and counteract our rumination to better serve us in this age of this world. One of my personal favorite pieces of research comes from Dr. Kristen Neff around the power of self-compassion. In study after study, Dr. Neff and her colleagues found that treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a loved one going through a similar situation significantly improves our wellbeing. As it turns out, it's the antidote to the harsh self-criticism that fuels rumination and social anxiety.

Dr. Neff has published a ton of guided meditations and exercises to support a practice of self-compassion. To counterbalance my own rumination, I’ve adopted (and adapted) her “Self-Compassion Break”. It goes a little something like this:?

1. Fact Check: Describe what happened, plain and simple. "Okay, I fumbled the pitch at that client meeting. My words got jumbled, and I didn't address their concerns."

2. Feel Your Feels: Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. "Ugh, I'm frustrated I didn't prepare better. My job security feels shaky, and the radio silence from my boss isn't helping."

3. You're Not Alone: Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and feels this way sometimes. "Seriously, anyone would be feeling this way after a meeting like that. It's normal to want to be prepared, and the lack of feedback from my manager is nerve-wracking. I’m not alone in feeling this way."

4. Be Your Own Best Friend: This is the hardest one. Imagine a close friend in this situation. What would you tell them? "Listen, the working world is a really scare place right now. All you see are LinkedIn posts about layoffs and frustrating job hunts. You're putting a ton of pressure on yourself to be perfect, but everyone messes up. Maybe reach out to your boss and see if they have any feedback? They've been helpful before, right?"

All in all, stopping to take a Self-Compassion Break takes minutes but the impact is pretty astonishing. Having said that, I’m not here to tell you that this process is a magic bullet. There will be days when your ruminating inner critic won’t shut up about how you’ve ruined everything - again. But by flexing your self-compassion muscle, perhaps you can start to quiet the negativity, build inner resilience, and cultivate a kinder relationship with yourself.

What might life be like if you could grant yourself a fraction of the compassion that you so generously gift to the people you love?