TAKE CONTROL, OR WALK AWAY?

There is a Scottish proverb that says, "It is better to light one wee candle than to curse the darkness."

I don't know about you, but i've been giving myself a little bit of a hard time lately. Getting annoyed with myself for not being as far ahead with my book as i would like to be, this will be my second book published and i'm finding it difficult to write. This week has been a terrifying one. Many upsets across my friends network. i'm talking about real life. How my friends are feeling about their lives and what's been stopping them moving forward and why my family have been facing struggles of it's own. I'm angry at myself for not being as disciplined with my writing as i ought to, usually i manage two thousands words a day and i write everything with pencil or pen first with passion, emotion and tare through the feelings i wish to express then type it out. Then i edit. Lately though i've been visiting emotions from my childhood and timed served in the forces that when i come to write it's harder than i care to say. And when i speak about my experiences helping my clients overcome their deepest challenges over the last decade it's been one of the most deeply humbling and terrifying experiences as i have only just recently come to terms with what people describe as "Your Calling" That one thing you're just so good at it's almost effortless. Maybe for you this is running your brand business or organisation. Maybe you are a great team leader and have such a fantastic management style you always seem to get the best out of your staff. Maybe you are doing just Ok at work and it all comes together as soon as you get home and you find being at home the single joy you crave deeply more than anything and being at work is just to pay the bills. We all have something we are great at. For the last 12 years i've worked offshore in Drilling operations. HPHT wells, Long reach wells, Running my own department in charge of equipment worth massive amounts of value and money. I've been in the harshest weathers and i've been involved with some of the best teams of people and i've also worked with a few choice individuals i wish not to spend time with again. I've raised a family and i've served my country. I've spoken all over the UK in some of the biggest conferences for Mental health and for Health and Safety, for military, oil and gas, marine, and many more. I've created viral campaigns that helped me reach hundreds of thousands of individuals that enabled them to talk about their fears and face them with passion and virtue. I've even had social media campaigns that reached over 4 million people in less than a month all in the name of helping other people. Lately though i've been reaching within. A lot deeper than i care to express in this article which is mostly going into depth in my new book "The Whispers Of Destiny" and i've decided to share the struggle a little bit in here of why it's been so hard lately. The last 3 years have been pretty tough. I was in a situation at work offshore where my passion for health and safety and the good of the team was cast aside for monetary and time goals. And my passion for standing up for what was the right thing to do cost me my position and earned me a lengthy stay at home on half pay. I don't feel the need to blame or cast names i've gleaned so much experience that has enabled me to reach a sort of "clarity of self" and it's shown me that i was around the wrong people or maybe even deeper still that i was the wrong person for that kind of job. what has been hurting me lately and causing me to struggle to lay down the words needed to complete this book has shocked me quite suddenly this past week and i arrived at the conclusion walking through the beach in Banff links of a stunning evening only three days ago at eleven o'clock in the evening while i gave myself permission to feel everything i needed to feel. Without fear of judgment.

I just couldn't hold it all in any more. The beauty and the horror of my 39 years came flooding through me and i saw and felt so much emotions in one moment that i just couldn't hold it all together the way we are meant to as "Men" and i gave myself permission to express the rage and anger i needed to feel instead of being so "together" as i'm meant to be. The last few years have been hard. Divorce, Relationships not working out, careers going south, money going fast and coming in less, weight going up and down and my chiseled physique fading into a less than appealing one, at least in terms of what Instagram men feel or tell us we are supposed to look like as men. I lost my V taper along with my bag of fucks to give, because something inside me was seeking expression once and for all. Writing this is harder than i can say. My real father, my biological father left me when i was around 3 months old and has never once in his life asked of me, bothered with me, or cared that i exist. Growing up without a father has been the single toughest experience of my life as a boy and as a man. I have made many mistakes in life that i believe i may have dealt with otherwise had i been taught younger the ways of temperance and resolve. I had to learn these for myself in the Armed Forces and i was given a great and wise education by many great men along the path. My mother married when i was 13 years old and he was ex special forces and gave me a lot of wonderful lessons and also much love. But those early years growing up rather poor and without a man in my life, was so hard and i have not really spoken about this ever, not even amongst my close friends. No one ever brings it up either which is another reason i guess we don't often discuss the issues or constraints in our lives as you are most likely not wanting to upset the mood or bring any one down with your shit. So we carry along the path of life without ever really visiting the feelings we need to in order to arrive where we must. Right back in the heart. inside the core of everything. The Heart of all you are.

I'm not angry at my biological father, i forgave him when i was 28 years old and i have not felt anger towards him for as far back as i can remember, what i do feel is a sense of loss, that he himself has lost out on a good son, a good man and i have poured all this loss into the love i have for my own Son, Who is becoming the most wonderful young man and is going through many of his own challenges that life always finds a way of throwing at us all. I have taken thousands upon thousands of images of my son, before he was born, the day he was born and almost every single day since. When i look at him i see everything beautiful in this world and i always always see his eyes filled with such laughter and hope. He is a great person. And lately as he is now a teenager we are working out new ways to communicate lol, if you know you know. But still i am just proud of him, love him and find his life to be something i can't get enough of. He is teaching me patience and understanding and i have been using this to learn to be softer with myself and to remind me that i am not him, that he is not living the life i lived. He is not without a dad and he can't be expected to think and feel as i do. It's been a wonderful but tough lesson. And this is what i figured out about myself this week...

WE CANNOT EXPECT TO CHANGE ANYONE, WHEN WE ARE UNWILLING TO FACE OURSELVES.

Life is a gift, being made redundant, divorce, struggle, being rejected, being accused of things, having your name dragged through tough experiences when you know them to be false. Anger towards others when they lie, being a good person and yet life still doesn't seem to work out the way you expected or hoped. Growing up and learning that life is not happening to you, it is simply uncovering itself to you based on the thoughts feelings and actions you take each moment of every day. Life is truly simple. I decided to use Linked in to share this with you as i have taken a few months off of posting in my 16k fans platform to give myself a wee break as i learn about myself again in this ever changing world of pandemics platforms and people. Social media is washed with high emotions right now and there is a lot of hate and greed at play, we see far too much anger and resentment across the screens that scream for your attention and i've been enjoying reading old books and new conversations with people i have gotten to know recently and folks i have known since i was a wee boy. I'm arriving every day lately at the beauty of being human. Filled with ideas that shake my bones to the core and fill my memory with enjoyment.

I'm a man, and that means it's okay to feel. I'm human and this means i am going to make many mistakes trying to live my life. Not even my best life just a simple life. An ordinary life that i realised is all part being connected to something i've been too afraid to say for years. I think i might be getting it though. And i guess at 39 it's as good a time to reach this any.

It's not about me!

I am small, i am huge, i am nothing and i am everything. I have created as i have destroyed and i am probably going to make more a fool of myself in the years to come as i have in the years past. I have cried over the loss of a family dog this last few weeks and i have laughed a the photos and videos i have of her, i have taken up photography and i have began editing my own documentary. I am as willing ow to learn new skills and i am enjoying how rubbish i am at these things because it's all about being part of the world, not apart from it.

I'm fed up trying to impress stupid managers and team leaders, i am bored to death with the metrics that inform us that we are all achieving greatness and i think it's about time i stopped trying to get anyone to see the world the way i see it. What's the point. They are not me and i can't be them. I am here to be part of something and all i need to do is trust in the way. Even without a compass. The heart beats wild and wonders where it needs to. It's like a whisper calling you. Always ready to serve.

The sub headline reads, take control or walk away. Maybe it's about neither. Maybe it's about getting out of your own dam way and letting the self guide you back to love and service and simply being involved in what lights up your heart again. Maybe we're all just trying to force our way through the noise and all we are hearing is the drowning of our own stupid selves because no one can hear anyone any more. Maybe we just need to relax and pour another glass of good wine, laugh at how chubby we are, and put the oven on to bake that delicious pizza and chips because it tastes so good and sleep in once in a while. Maybe it's time we stopped working for people we don't like for all the money we think we need to buy things to impress others we don't care about. Maybe it's time we reached within and asked ourselves,

What is standing in the way between you, and the you you want to be?