Take Charge

Stop Pleasing, Start Leading

Last year, a well dressed friend inspired me to book a styling session at a major department store suggesting it as a useful way to update my wardrobe.??

Feeling like a change, I thought I'd give it a go.

On the day of the appointment, the stylist encouraged me to try on armfuls of clothes, including, as my friend had indicated, a few items I would never have picked for myself.

The stylist was very complimentary, encouraging me to invest in a range of items?as 'they go with everything'.

While?many looked ok, I knew in my gut that quite a few just weren't my style.?

Despite this feeling I walked?away with items I knew I wasn't going to wear.

As soon as I re-tried them at home?my gut piped up: "I told you so!"

Reflecting on the experience, I had given up my power to the stylist by allowing her opinion to influence my choices, despite?knowing they weren't right for me.

This is one of the ways?people pleasing shows up - ignoring your gut feeling and holding back on what you really want to say in an effort to please others and avoid rocking the boat.

The consequences at work can be more costly than a dent in your credit card, or having to spend time returning items that you knew you didn't want.

In teams, people pleasing leads to group think, contributes to feelings of resentment over time and consistently triggers?negative self-talk that gets in the way of optimal levels of performance and productivity.

If you can relate, it's useful to know that as a behaviour it is extremely common. One?recent?survey?found 92% of people?exhibit at least one people pleasing trait and two-thirds?often go to great lengths to avoid conflict?and/or put other people’s needs ahead of their own.??

Symptoms of people pleasing include:

• A strong desire to be liked by others.
• Feeling resentful, used or taken advantage of.
• Frequently seeking reassurance that you are accepted and liked.
• Saying yes even though you want to say?no.
• Putting the needs of others ahead of your own.
• A strong desire to rescue others.
• A feeling that expressing your own needs is selfish.

If these habits sound familiar, there are many ways to tackle them.?Simply being aware of when they show up is a useful starting point.?Another is to?start practising the art of saying 'no'.?

Acknowledging that it can be uncomfortable to turn down other people's requests, disagree with their opinion or put yourself first,?here are a few useful phrases that may be of value.

• That's not going to work for me but I'm sure you can find someone to help
• Unfortunately my schedule is full this week/today/this month
• I can't commit to that right now but I'd love to help in some other way
• That's not something I can do
• Let me think about that and get back to you (use this if you need more time to consider your response)

As Amber Cabral, author of Say More About That says, people pleasing will have you picking up balls someone else has dropped that do not belong to you. If the ball isn't yours, don't touch it. Instead, role model what it looks like to advocate for yourself, your time and your reputation.

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Sharon Natoli helps leaders, teams and individuals communicate with confidence and clarity. She coaches, trains and speaks about the barriers that get in the way of finding your voice assisting clients build influence, presence and self -leadership.?www.sharonnatoli.com?or [email protected]