Take Care of the C.O.R.E. – Jennifer Slay
Jennifer Slay M.S.W., R.S.W.
Empowering Leaders | Keynote Speaker | Psychotherapist & Leadership Development Coach | Director of EDID | Advocate for Inclusive Leadership
HER energy. HER spirit. HER light. Somehow, even without being directly in HER presence, LeadHERhost, Jennifer Slay manages to have it all pouring out of my screen on Tuesday, June 1, 2021. She evoked so many emotions, beginning even before we laid eyes on her, when she asked us to observe a short video about resilience prior to attending the presentation. As a mother, hearing the tragic story of a woman losing her child, which is every parent’s worst nightmare, and having the inner strength to carry on, gave me certainty in knowing that we were in for a captivating night.
Her background of awards, honours, certifications, and a lifelong commitment to helping others is admirable and inspiring, to say the very least. Jen opens her LeadHERhost presentation by reading a segment from the remarkably powerful poem Still I Rise by Maya Angelou. It awakens in me the realization that love for oneself is something to be practiced and celebrated. She follows it up, “To me, resilience is to rise,” with raised hands and a warm smile. I’m all in.
Jen has us engaged for the entirety of her address, with constant encouragement and a steady flow of questions about what we think and how we feel about several resilience-related subjects. I so enjoyed reading the ideas that you shared in the Chat, and I frequently observed your faces as she spoke, and saw that you were as mesmerized as I was.?
She assures us that, no matter the challenges we have previously faced or continue to face, waking up each and every day, carrying on, contributing, or giving back in any way that we can, is a display of resilience.
Jen declares that in order to be resilient, we must be mindful, and we must understand how our brain actually functions. When asked to place in the Chat what mindfulness means to us, I note that we all have somewhat different ideas. However, Jen provides us with a definition that to be mindful means to exist in “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.”
The fast-paced world in which we’ve lived for so long rarely allows for the frequency of mindfulness that we all deserve; however, things have slowed down over the last year. Mindfulness seems to have been thrust upon us, which Jen frames as “a bit of a blessing.” She lets us know that being mindful allows us to understand who we are, and how we fit into this world.
When Jen asks how often we, as women, are able to “just be,” very few of us actually say this is something that we experience on a regular basis. I commend you, mentor Mary McGillivray, for making a point of doing it every morning. It is so important that we make the efforts to work this into our lives. Jen takes two minutes to guide us into mindfulness. I believe the peace, awareness, strength, and gratitude that this will bring, if exercised daily, far exceeds the investment of time. As Jen audaciously remarks, “If you do not have two minutes in your day to be mindful of your body, of yourself, of the most important person in your world, then it’s time to make some changes.” Preach!?
She teaches us to build our strong house on a sturdy foundation – all LeadHERwomen will be building a brick house when Jen’s work here is done. This does not mean that we won’t face adversity. Rather, in building ourselves as brick houses, we will be strong enough to take the hits that life will inevitably throw at us, and come away from the storm standing.
She?heartens us to be aware of, and to embrace every feeling that we experience, and to do so without judgment of ourselves. She assures us that feelings are simply that. They are “informants” of what is happening to or around us; be it something positive, something scary, something that makes us anxious, or any other feeling we experience. She asks us to never criticize our feelings, because they are visceral.
With the workbook that she provided, she asks us to take a moment to reflect and write down our current reality. Is it an easy task to admit and accept our current position in life? I can share that for me, personally, it’s rather difficult. I have been working through some of the biggest changes I’ve ever experienced; having gone from a confident working woman in the corporate world, to a student again, and now to a woman who is starting an entirely new career, and is so uncertain of what the future holds. I am currently a little unsure of my place in this world.
Mentor Anne-Marie Campbell expresses what I’m sure so many of us can identify with, which is that it’s so much easier to discern the things that we struggle with, than it is to recognize our strengths. Sound familiar? Jen gets “nerdy” with us about how the brain works. Observing the negatives in life is innate, because our brain is in endless survival mode, constantly aware of the dangers surrounding us. However, she reminds us of the challenging but very important task of being aware of our strengths, because those assets are the tools we will use during times of hardship. Those strengths are what build our resilience.
I’ve spent a lifetime referring to myself as an “emotional person,” unaware that our brain is actually designed to feel first. Does this mean that every person is emotional, and in order to foster emotional intelligence, we must learn the skill of taking pause after the feeling to await the rational thought? Observing Jen’s diagram and listening to her explanation provides the ‘why’ to many things that we say and do, because we feel first and think later. Mentees Jesse Hilton and Madison Hargreaves open up in the Chat about reacting with “emotional words,” prior to thinking the situation through. Who isn’t guilty of this from time to time? However, being made aware allows us to understand and work through our emotions, in order to evolve our emotional intelligence.?
I believe that many of us are relieved to learn about the brain’s negativity bias. Perhaps some are thinking, “why do I have so many negative thoughts?” It’s what our brain is actually designed to do! I asked, in the post-presentation question period, as someone who has always suffered from anxiety, whether my anxious thoughts are normal, or if most people suffer from them. Jen’s wise words have me thinking that if I can catch myself in the moment of creating a story with an unfortunate ending, identify the root of my fear, and change that story into something that I would like to see happen, with some work, I can manage my anxiety throughout the course of my life. A very personal thank you for that, Jen.
With all of this new knowledge under our belts, Jen next provides us with tools to shift our way of thinking. One of these tools is called the “RAS filter” (Reticular Activating System). The RAS is what brings our attention to the things that we have been made newly aware of. Our brain is not capable of processing every piece of data that it receives, so the RAS acts as a filter, making us fully aware of only certain things. “The brain is so beautiful!” Jen’s passion for this subject is undeniable.
She explains that when something bad happens to us, we begin to think negatively. Once we become so aware of the negative, it becomes our main focus, thus unintentionally inviting adversity into our lives. This cycle is something that we must recognize – we must be mindful of it. During the question period that follows the presentation, mentor Alison Smyth shared an exercise that she does with friends, which Jen encourages us to try. Ask a few people who know you to write down three words that they would use to describe you. We will likely be amazed by what we see in ourselves when seen through the lens of others. Write the words down and place them somewhere that you will see them often. This will influence our RAS filter for the positive.?
To illuminate how the RAS filter correlates with the conscious versus the subconscious mind, Jen provides the horse (subconscious) and rider (conscious) analogy. If we constantly ride our horse on the same trail, over time that horse knows where to go, and doesn’t require guidance. But to change course involves the use of reigns, creating a bit of discomfort for the horse, guiding it to change direction. This can be compared to reprogramming of the brain, and as Jen pointedly declares, “95% of what you do in a day is subconscious.”
In order to structure ourselves into that brick house, we must take care of our?C.O.R.E.?(Creativity & Confidence,?Open to Critique,?Release of Fear,?Excellence). This means knowing who you are, managing who you are, loving who you are, and sharing who you are. In knowing that the RAS filter is influenced by our surroundings, as well as our own thoughts, we know that we can reprogram our subconscious. We have some level of control over how it all works. By implementing these strategies, we become stronger people. Some element of Jen’s delivery and demeanor, in this moment, makes me feel stronger already.?
She touches on each component of the C.O.R.E. methodology. To be creative, we want to take time to daydream, build on the talents we possess, admit and accept our challenges, love who we are, stop comparing ourselves to others, and build our confidence. To open our mind to critique, we must speak to people who care for and love us, take responsibility for things we wish we’d done differently, and accept our imperfection. In order to release our fears, we must be aware of false evidence appearing real, exercise the three C’s (Choose what we listen to, who we spend time with, and what we watch; Check-in with ourselves; and Challenge ourselves to intentionally influence our RAS filter), and get to the heart of the fear (understand the reason for the fear, and release it). Finally, in order to live a life of excellence, we must always try to do our very best, practice what we are good at, and practice the things that challenge us as well.
As Jen’s moving and eye-opening presentation winds down, she offers her final words of advice on how to strengthen our resilience.?We must prioritize ourselves, we must be good to ourselves, and we must understand ourselves.?
She refers to the very emotional video that we were asked to watch earlier. Jen reminds us that the woman who had lost so much, teaches us that there are “three pieces of ordinary magic” which will assist in building our resilience:??
With all of these incredible tools, and the extraordinary advice of a woman who has dedicated her life to helping others rise up, Jen assures us that by taking care of our C.O.R.E., we prepare ourselves for life’s inevitable misfortunes, so that when we meet them, we will “SLAY it!”??
There it is. The second of ten remarkable LeadHERhost presentations, and another night I won’t soon forget, is in the books. Thank you, Jennifer Slay, for your energy, your wisdom, your calm demeanor, and your quiet fierceness. You are a true force.?
HERview by Ange Somerville