"No Take Backs!" What's Wrong with Committing and Backing-Out?

Has anyone ever told you that they would do something, but when the time came to fulfill that promise, they totally dropped the ball leaving you high and dry? It isn't a pleasant situation. After all, they committed to do something, and you really needed them to follow through on their word --- to make good on their promise --- but in the most important hour, they broke your trust and left you to pick up the pieces.

Can you relate?

Recently, I have watched a lot of people drop the ball, and I have to tell you, it sucks. We all have experienced this at some point in time.

When a person commits to a task, project, assignment, job, etc, we naturally create an expectation that it will be so. They said that they would do this thing, and so I have an expectation that it will be done.

What happens when our expectations are not met? We typically experience some combination of disappointment, abandonment, let-down, betrayal, anger, sadness, and hurt. We experience a reaction, and that is part of being human. Cause and effect.

So if expectations can cause such adverse feelings, are expectations a bad thing? Unrealistic expectations, sure. Those are the expectations that we subconsciously place on people without communication or mutual agreement. People have these underlying expectations, and most times don't even know that those are causing so many issues.

So unrealistic expectations are bad, but what about the realistic ones?

What's different about expectations that both parties have committed to uphold? I would say that these expectations are the foundation of trust and accountability which are both critical components of a strong and healthy team. When we can gain a commitment, we can hold people to that commitment, and that leads to healthy expectations and beyond.

Am I guilty of unintentionally breaking my commitments and promises?

First, let me answer that. Yes. We all have broken a promise to someone at some point in time. It happens. We are all human. The goal is to avoid making commitments that you can't keep, and in turn avoid letting broken promises become a defining mark of your character.

Consider the commitment you are making before you say yes. If you receive an interview request or a job offer, don't accept it if you don't know that you can commit. If you say that you will show up to an engagement, be there. If you take ownership of a project or a task, do everything within your power to complete that task. When you say "yes" to something, make sure you can let your "yes be yes." Don't simply agree so that you don't hurt someone's feelings. (It is far worse when you have to go back on your commitment.)

Over and over and over this past month, I have watched people go back on their word and cause severe damage to their careers, to their families, to their friendships, to colleagues, and to businesses. When people bail on their commitments, they are building for themselves a reputation as someone who is flakey, not trustworthy, not-reliable, inconsiderate, and without resolve. Those are lasting impressions that are extremely difficult to overcome!

Aren't you overreacting?

You may be reading this and thinking, "But no one intentionally breaks their word." I agree with you! Many times, myself included, we agree to things without realizing the implications of the commitment. We "bite off more than we can chew." To that degree, I concede that it may not be intentional. It may not be malicious. But it will still have a negative impact on someone or something.

How would you suggest we follow-up if we do break a person's trust?

I'm glad you asked. If you do unintentionally break a commitment, here are a few things to consider that will help to remediate some of the fallout:

1. Think about how this will impact the person to whom you made the commitment. Someone has skin in the game, and so consider how you can protect that person as best as possible. What can you do to minimize the damage and impact?
2. HAVE THE CONVERSATION. So often we think that the "easy way out" is to avoid talking about the breach in trust all together. We tell ourselves a story that we don't want to "say something that we will regret" (or some lame excuse like that). That isn't right, and it will only cause more damage in the long run. It may be wise to take a beat before talking to the person, but what we so often do is take a beat, and another, and then another, until the story we tell ourselves is that the event is ancient history. It's in the past. --- Don't just ghost whoever you are letting down. Don't send a text or an email. Talk with them. It may be hard to admit that you didn't follow through, but you owe it to them.
3. Be sincere and honest. Don't make up some half-baked excuse as to why you didn't fulfill your promise. Even if it is not a great excuse, the person hearing it will appreciate your honesty more than your lies. And trust me, they can tell when you are lying.
4. Ask how you can make it right. There may not be anything that you can do to make it right; there may be long-term damage, but you won't know if you don't ask. So ask.
5. If they do offer some sort of "path" to make it right, then you need to come through this time. You may not get another shot at reconciliation. And if you don't think that "making it right" is worth your time, then just remember that someday, you may need them. It is a small world and people talk.

At the end of the day, one of the few things that truly means anything is a person's word. When you lose your credibility, you are losing far more than what's on the surface. So I urge you, be a person of integrity and resolve. When you say yes, mean it. When you commit, follow through. And when you drop the ball, own it. Make it right.

What are your thoughts? Feel free to start a dialogue.

Matthew 5:37 - "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’"

The opinions expressed on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the views of Intellectual Capitol.