Take back control...

I feel privileged to have been asked to write a piece to support the launch of Career Scope - our new hospitality industry support hub. (https://careerscope.uk.net). The aim of this brilliant piece of joined-up thinking is to create a community of support for our hospitality colleagues in the sector who may be looking for jobs, or who are currently facing the threat of, or fearing the reality of redundancy. It's a growing community here and welcome to all those who have joined us so far.

The developments of this year so far are nothing short of a crisis and whenever crisis enters our lives, we are forced to grapple with strong feelings and ask searching questions about our changing role in the world. It's natural to do so and to be less than delighted, even fearful, about the changes being forced upon us. Added to all that, the loss of a job, change in our work security or concerns about business survival are having a major impact on our lives, on our relationships and potentially on our mental and physical health. I wanted to use my piece to say something, hopefully helpful, about all that..

Understanding the impact of this crisis is one way to take back some control of our feelings and emotions, as things change around us all. But rather than focusing on change, I find it more helpful to consider the transition process. It's not splitting hairs and, although they may be often used interchangeably, change and transition are different in important ways:

Change is a "thing". It is tangible, often quantifiable (big change / small change) and can be located in time. For example I can track when things did change in the past, or are going to change in the future, in my diary. Change exists "out there" and externally to us.

Transition on the other hand is a psychological process that occurs internally, "in here" (tap both your brain and your heart - and also your stomach at this point.) It is an individual experience and we all transition in our own unique way. Not taking account of transition is why change projects in organisations so often lack the sparkle of complete success. Yes - the change might have been achieved, but are people really bought in and committed? Or are they still referencing "the old days" or the way we did things then? You can test this logic on the tiniest of changes - for example changing the layout of a working space or even changing a menu. It takes a while to get used to the change and in the meantime, a lot of time and energy can be wasted because we simply don't know how to direct it, or how to manage transition. The fact is that things have changed irrevocably for all of us and we have been forced to leave behind so many of our old ways of doing things, but the future is still uncertain and undefined. In short, we are transitioning.

William Bridges, who studied change in organisations, was really clear that the change situations where transition was considered and understood were far more successful than those that didn't consider it adequately. This is really current for now, as we are all navigating our own transition through our own version of this crisis. But because it is internal it can be difficult to understand what is happening, and if we don't understand it, then we can't really be in control and then we risk it becoming overwhelming or out of control. There are few things the human brain hates more than being in a mindless state, or out of control.

Bridges defined 3 phases of transition, and I am finding his ideas very relevant in this current situation. (See the graphic of his model at the top of the page).

1) First of all, we have the Endings stage, and this can often be the most painful. That dreadful conversation with HR about your job being made redundant, (or if you are HR and had to have those conversations that really hurt), the realisation that you have to close a business, end a relationship, break up a team or a habit, lose status or a way of defining ourselves, say farewell to a way of life or even the end of life itself if we have lost someone. All these are endings and there have been so many in the past few months, it is difficult to keep track of them all. It is hard to let go and we may need to take time to truly grieve for what we have lost, either in reality or in unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

My take on this is to grant yourself time to grieve and just give yourself permission. Your grief process might be complex and run the whole playlist of denial (it's not happening, it's a bad dream), anger (why me? It's not bloody fair, I've worked my butt off...) bargaining (I could work for less money if I can just keep things as they are) and just simple sadness for what you have lost (I loved my life / work / team/ job as it was..).

Don't rush it - and certainly don't pay any attention (just yet) to the tyranny of positivity demanding that you cheer up / think positive/ don't worry / look for the silver lining or any sentence that starts with "well at least...". You wallow as much as you need to, because you might need to just get it out. I will admit to spending an entire day crying in a bath in France (long story, turning the hot tap on as needed with my big toe), with the door locked and just a bottle of wine and a large bag of mustard crisps for company after completely destroying my beloved work diary for the whole of the rest of the year.

But at the same time, know when you are done. Recognise the moment when you say to yourself "I don't want to live like this any more" or "I need to move on" or even "we're now out of hot water, wine and crisps and I need a towel and some body lotion". Because you will. I promise. It's human nature and human nature can't cope with that much pain indefinitely. Just trust your own process and let it do its work. Eventually, you will come to the end of this stage and be able to let go - completely or just a little bit at a time.

2) So that moment will mark your transition into the void or neutral zone. It may not feel like it, but it IS progress.

The void is an interesting place because it's both sticky and sucky. Like quicksand. It is possible to stay here for a long time, in a sort of limbo, so be aware of the need to move forward and that being in the void means living like a zombie. We need to experience it because, while you are being seduced and sucked in, your unaware brain is looking for ways to get you out. This is where your most creative ideas will begin to emerge, things to try, things to risk and things to plan. Even interviews are creative risk taking - because the outcome may be more rejection. Keep going, keep learning and know that "this too will pass". It's a phase, a stage and it is providing you with valuable information.

I have lots of practical activities for breaking through the void and it is truly the most - literally developmental phase - where we can develop mental strength and resilience. Some of them include:

• Get yourself a good coach or colleague to act as a sounding board, get as much support as you can - family, friends, network and don't be a stranger to us on this platform either.
• Write down or record how you are feeling - even 20 minutes a day for just 3 days will make a difference. No one will read it and you can destroy it at the end
• Expand your vocabulary for feelings - use more words and refine your language
• Think big, bold and day dream, open yourself to taking risks and making mistakes
• Accept that this is an awkward stage and you are still transitioning. Don't try to make it perfect - just enjoy the messiness as much as you can. You are investing in you and building resilience every day.

3) New beginnings is the third stage. Please, do me a favour and don't let the words "new normal" pass your lips in my presence at least. That phrase pains me beyond description for some reason. I think because it is so dismissive of the whole human effort if we settle for just a "new normal". Hell no! - I haven't put my shoulder to this particular wheel and cranked up this much effort just to arrive at something as passive and flabby as a "new normal".

Also I think it is deceptive. We won't be returning and things are permanently different in ways that this time last year, we could not have possibly imagined. I think of it like one of those snow globes from childhood. We have had the snow globe of our lives shaken so hard that the snow will never quite settle and that water will keep swirling around us - but the characters in the scene are still there and still standing in the storm and the new environment. We will find a way, but it's a new beginning, rather than a new normal.

New beginnings are psychological and can begin whenever you want them to. They won't automatically kick in on day 1 of a new job, or when you get an acceptance after a bunch of rejections. Please don't wait for something external, that is not within your control, to determine your new beginnings. The new beginnings start whenever you decide and choose that you can be in control of your own process and looking outwards and forward. They can start in small ways - finishing your job search each day so you have time to spend on other important things, playing with your kids, walking the dog, reading something that you enjoy, getting to the gym, feeling in control, feeling optimistic about the future, knowing that you have the resilience to cope with all that life has thrown at you.

I hope this gives you something to think about and possibly to work on to begin at least thinking about your own process. It is helpful to take back control of our own transition process, instead of being swept by the storm. It might also enable you to help other people transition.

A couple more things to think about - not everyone transitions a the same speed, so be patient with them. Don't rush, don't judge and simply walk beside them without pushing or pulling them around.

Also be patient (as well as kind and loving) with yourself. Your route of transition is unlikely to be a straight or linear process. In other words, if you are anything like me, you may find yourself in the sunshine of imagining those new beginnings one day, and the next day (or morning or even minute) the seductive suck of that void has got you by the knees again. That's natural, but try and remember that letting it suck you back in is a choice and you do know the route out, because you are slowly building that path for yourself.

If you want to know more, here's a couple of things that might be of interest:

1) Picking up the Pieces is a toolkit booklet written to support any managers in hospitality to create a plan for leading through this crisis. It's available free, (preferably in return for a donation to Hospitality Action) from me at www.merlin-consultancy.com. So just ask and I will send you a copy.

2) Piece of Mind is a new work and sequel that I will introduce on a webinar for the Institute of Hospitality on 29th October at 3pm. https://www.instituteofhospitality.org/event/piece-of-mind/ It's a collection of practical ideas (and a bit of neuro-science) designed to help you understand how your brain, emotions and feelings work so that you can better control them. Controlling our feelings to avoid being overwhelmed or mindless is a way of developing resilience. It's also good for health, mental wellbeing and success and it's like being able to put the pieces together and create a Kintsugi work of art in our heads!

In Kintsugi, the golden resin makes it stronger, more resilient and prevents it breaking into pieces. Understanding just a piece of mind helps bring peace of mind - that may be corny, but it's true.

This Kintsugi brain was drawn by my good friend and artist Steve Woods, who gifted it to me to help out.

Wasn't that kind!

By the way...appreciating kindness and showing gratitude are important aspects of mental wellness too. So thank you for reading this far and practice some for yourself today!