Table Tales - The Eyes Have It

The next time you have a lunch appointment; get more from the meeting. Learn to see more of the story unfolding around you. The person you are with will tell you a great deal, and that is before he or she even opens his or her mouth.

Meals are about so much more than what is said between people at the table. Sharing a meal is a complex, voluminous exchange of information. Words are only a fraction of any interaction when people meet. Use your eyes for the real story.

What you observe with your eyes will likely be more important than what you hear with your ears.

Before you do business with someone, go on a next date, or hire that person for a role in your organization, go equipped and ready to learn more about the one you are meeting. When you know the quiet clues to look for, the other person will give you dozens of helpful hints how he or she really feels about you, and what your future relationship might become. In addition, when we are aware of the subtle signals we send, we can be certain (as much as possible) we are conveying only the messages we intend.

People will give us powerful clues about how kind they are and how much they look out for others.

Importantly, most of the behaviors listed below are for people who are not friends or close acquaintances. While nonverbal actions can reinforce what we know about friends, most of the behaviors and nonverbal cues listed in this article are for discerning a new relationship and learning about someone you do not know.

Most nonverbal communication happens without the person realizing he or she is relaying anything, which is why it is generally a reliable indicator of personality and attitude.

While the amounts and types of information could fill a large book, here are some of the most important non-verbal actions you can watch.

Attitude – Whether it is for business or pleasure, keep an eye out for how the person with you treats you and others. Whether this is a romantic date, job interview or sales meeting, the other person’s interactions with the wait staff and other guests will tell you much about him or her. The areas below outline some of the more revealing traits.

1. Mindset - How your companion treats the server is how he or she will treat you in six months. If the person is rude or demanding, that disrespectful train is heading to your station next. At the same time, if the person is kind, considerate or patient, you have someone who will always offer you the same courtesy. How someone treats “inconsequential” people (those we do not plan to see again) is a direct reflection of how that person will soon treat you. This is especially revealing when the person treats the staff one way, and you a different way.
2. Manners – Does this person do something as simple as wash her hands before the meal? Does the person place a napkin in his lap? Does he or she gulp down this meal as if it is the first meal he or she has had since leaving Gilligan behind on the deserted island? Good manners show a person is civil and cares about others. Bonus points if he or she folds the napkin and gently places it on the table following the meal.
3. Money – If you are paying, does the other person take advantage? Some people take the opportunity to order something they would never ordinarily ask for if they were paying. Even if you suggest, “try anything,” the kind person and thoughtful guest may indeed order something nice, but going full, “man vs food," mode may signal the person likes to push too far or take advantage of situations.
4. Messages – If the person at the table cannot live one hour without checking email or text messages, you know one of two things. Either that person is a surgeon on call, or that person deems you equal to or less important than anyone else who might contact him or her during the meal. Sharing a meal with anyone less than a good friend, should be void of distractions.

Bonus Section: Conference Meals – These are the meals where you and a group of colleagues get together to hear a speaker or announcements. These are typically meetings of professional organizations. If you are thinking about being on a committee with someone at the table, or doing other business with him or her, then be aware of how that person acts.

1. Bread – I was at a professional organization luncheon today. A basket of bread was placed between two members. The table was large – eight seats. The two people never passed the bread. They also never passed the dessert tray. Same with the other table accouterments near them. This is so, even though others passed things their way. Maybe the other things they received should have been a reminder to share what was in front of them. While I appreciate them limiting caloric loads for others and me at the table, when people take from a common tray and do not pass it, you can generally know they think of themselves and do not think of others as much - instinctively. I am a fundraiser for a living, and a good fundraiser will often pass something around without taking anything and wait for it to return – then take his or her share. Look for people who put others first. That almost reflexive action says more than words about how a person sees others.
2. Doors – Similar to passing food, watch how people come and go. Do they hold the door for others without even thinking about it, or do they let the door slam in the face of the person behind them? A person who instinctively cares about others will never pass through a door without looking behind for an opportunity to show courtesy to another.

What have you learned by sharing a meal with someone? Please comment below.

This list is not exhaustive, and not foolproof. Certainly, some wonderful people will occasionally treat a server poorly, or not hold the door. It happens. I have made a poor impression many times. We cannot and should not judge anyone’s character from a few momentary interactions.

However, someone who is consistently kind and respectful to a waiter, or who eats at a conference before anyone else at the table has food, says a great deal about where that person’s mind and orientation is. The next time you are interviewing a job candidate, on a first date, or meeting to close the big deal, remember that 90% of all communication is nonverbal and people speak volumes at the table without ever saying a word. You may not learn everything about that person by watching behaviors, but you can learn a lot.