Switching ‘have to’ to ‘want to’

You’ve told yourself you have to lose weight and there is that bar of chocolate calling your name.Your pleasure instinct kicks in — you want that chocolate. But you remind yourself you have to lose weight.And right about then another part of your brain kicks in and makes it even harder to decide whether to give in.What makes it worse is that our basic instincts of taste and pleasure have a head start on the conflict.

In one study?74%?of people said they would choose fruit over chocolate “at some future date,” but when fruit and chocolate were put in front of them, 70 percent grabbed the chocolate. Sigh!

Want-to?goals?reflect a person’s genuine interest and values, while?have-to?goals are imposed, often by a nagging loved one (or a leader) or by our own sense of obligation. Fortunately, there is a tiny tweak we can make to help us sidestep this competition between the two.

We can position our goals in terms of what we?want to?do, as opposed to what we?have to. When we tweak our motivation in this way, we don’t have to worry about which part of us prevails — our passion or our intellect — because our whole self is working in harmony.

“Want to” goals also reflect a person’s “why.”?We pursue?“want to” goals because of personal enjoyment, because of the inherent importance of the goal, or because the goal has been assimilated into our core identity. But most important, these goals are freely chosen by us.

Have-to?goals, on the other hand, are imposed, (“You’ve gotta lose that gut!”) or by our own sense of obligation, sometimes related to avoiding shame (“Good grief! I look like the Goodyear blimp! I can’t go to the wedding looking like this!”).

One more thing from the research:?studies show?that two people with the same goal of losing five pounds will see that same bar of chocolate very differently depending on their motivation.

The person with a?want-to?motivation will physically experience it as less tempting (“The chocolate looks real good, but I’m just not that interested”) and will perceive fewer obstacles in sticking to the goal (“There are other, healthier options on the menu”). Once you’ve tweaked your motivation, you no longer feel like you’re struggling against irresistible forces.

From that perspective,?want-to?actions are long term — they match your values.?Have-to?actions are only good for the short term.

Now let’s apply that to your role as a leader. Let’s say that you want your team to be good with customers. If they do it from?have-to, it only lasts a little while and when you’re out for a day, they go back to awful behaviors. If they’re good with customers because they?want-to?be, because it matches their vision (from you), and it’s the why they are there, then you can be gone for a very long time and they stay good with customers.

You love to complain that things fall apart when you’re not right there. It’s because you have imposed?have-to?goals instead of created conversations that lead to?want-to. And you have gotten caught up in the “what” and the “how” and ignored the why all together.

You’ve got some tools — your words. They drive behaviors in the right direction. You still?have to?go to that meeting today? Really? See how easy it is to get trapped? You get to go to the meeting so you can (learn, connect, keep up with what’s going on…) or more to the point, you?want to go?to that meeting today so you can learn more about your job, the business, the trends, (or if it really is a pointless meeting, you can learn what not to do in your own meetings!). Words can inspire or discourage. Choose yours carefully.