Swing Sets & 33+ years of Marriage

NOTE - I am trying something new here so feel free to provide feedback. I have been re-building my website (now www.trustinside.co), published a book (Hustle with Heart) and been looking into Conscious Leadership/Capitalism. You will see more and more of my content connected to leadership (personal and professional) on many fronts and I look forward to sharing my thoughts!

Marriage - On 6/30/1990 two people were married at a small stone church in Groton Mass in front of 200+ of their friends and relatives. 33+ years later the world is on one hand different and on the other the same and so are Mike and Maggie Thorne. Yes, that is us on an elementary playground swing set celebrating our anniversary just a few days ago, just like when we were "kids" getting married @ 25. Also, we had our first date watching Larry Bird (#33) hit a 3 pointer to win the game for the Celtics. I think 3 should be a lucky # for me.

Swing Set - The swing set is a symbol of?youth and childhood innocence?and it also represents how we both felt on that day (1990 and today.) It is an awesome feeling to know that when we both said "I DO" that youth and childhood innocence would still be there today! In swinging on the swing set last weekend our middle daughter said "You look like such a cute couple". I am certain, someone said the same thing in 1990 about us, but who really knew what would happen after that ceremony, right? We certainly do our best to try and keep our marriage and life "youthful" despite the many "Swings" in life it has taken along the way. For those of you who read my book, Hustle With Heart, it is obvious we had a lot of Swings at life!

We are certainly GLAD TO BE HERE. At no point did we envision 33+ years together, 3 adult daughters, and having lived in 9 states (& between apt, townhomes, and houses, we have occupied over 25 places we called "home" for short periods of time.) We are settled in Saco Maine now on the Ocean and have been so blessed along the way.

It just happened but the journey of life has been extraordinary & I thought it would be a good time to share some reflections on our marriage and building a family as I was swinging - (Not scientific, just my experiences personally and professionally)

1. Marriage is joyful work - Finding a unified foundation (Marriage odds of success are helped when your moral & ethical standards are consistent, you communicate to hear/appreciate/grow, and it is all done with integrity and honesty) matters more than this idea that marriages are best when "opposites" attract. When challenges come up in how to resolve conflict, celebrate life, deal with life's uncertainties, or build a family, there has to be a "common" foundation of beliefs that allow you to stay grounded on. It is one thing to say you love someone so deeply that you want to spend your life together vs actually living that every day. For me, to have married my best friend and still feel that way 33+ years later is quite a good feeling. It has not been easy and yes there were times things were difficult. A therapist or two stepped in or our daughters jumped in or a good friend to help us through those times. It has required both of us to adjust to each other's learning style and above all recognize that each of us have been raised differently and adjusting along the way. It is so worth it folks to put the work in because to have someone in your life to share the swings (up and down) and celebrate with enriches you and those around you. You also pay it forward as your children pick up those vibes more than what you try to tell them.
2. Raising a family is joyful work - This was a hard one for me early on. In building a career and supporting our family, it became hard to be there at "home", at "work" and be the best dad, husband, friend because they all intertwine. Long before the concept of "work/life" balance came to be, I had to discover the hard way, to give myself grace, and not try to be perfect. For the first 1/3 of my career and our marriage, being perfect was eating me alive and not serving me or anyone around me well. Trying to be an expert at life is a losing game. Constantly open to learning, taking actions, and being present matter more. The expert approach, strained relationships on every level. Over time it was efforts to invest (not spend) time with each of our daughters, my wife, and friends when they wanted your presence. It wasn't said directly, but it was said in the openness of conversations in times they were in their "element." How do you find time (1 hour, 2 hours a day or a week etc) to truly be present and active for those you love and who love you? For me, I observed that there were times when my daughters would say, Dad, what are you up to, or Dad you should watch this or we should do this etc. Instead of saying, "right now I am busy, but let's find time tomorrow" I realized that was a signal from them that they wanted Dad time. For example, it meant actively engaged watching Gilmore Girls with my oldest Daughter, playing catch in the yard with my middle daughter, watching Sports Reporters on ESPN with our youngest and going out to dinner with my wife. In these times, there was a safe environment and just built over time and became where I could ask questions without it being "Dad, come on really?" We could have those intimate or father/daughter conversations that built trust over time. My wife and I could work through our challenges and dreams together when we had these times shopping together, taking walks, or having dinner. It wasn't overnight but the COMMITMENT and INVESTMENT was what has paid off over the years.

Life is a journey of learning and when you commit to that mindset, you have the opportunity to live a life on your terms and not on others. In the end, Reality always wins, always.