Sweet Poison

“You create more space in your life when you turn your excess baggage to garbage.”   Chinonye Chidolue

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there was a colorless tiger. All his shades were greys, blacks and whites. So much so, that he seemed like something out of an old black and white movie. His lack of color had made him so famous that the world's greatest painters had come to his zoo to try to put some color on him. None of them succeeded, as the colors would always just drip down off his skin.

Then along came Van Gogh the crazy painter. He was a strange guy who travelled all about, happily painting with his brush. Well, it would be more accurate to say that he moved his brush about, as if to paint; because he never put any paint on his brush, and neither did he use canvas or paper. He painted the air, and that's why they called him Van Gogh. So, when he said he wanted to paint the colorless tiger, everyone had a good laugh.

When entering the tiger's cage he began whispering in the animal's ear, and moving his dry brush up and down the tiger's body. And to everyone's surprise, the tiger's skin started to take on color, and these were the most vivid colors any tiger had ever had. Van Gogh spent a long time whispering to the animal, and making slight adjustments to his painting. The result was truly beautiful.

Everyone wanted to know what the painter's secret was. He explained to them that his brush was only good for painting real life, and that to do that he needed no colors. He had managed to paint the tiger using a phrase he kept whispering in its ear: "In just a few days you will be free again, you shall see."

And seeing how sad the tiger had been in his captivity, and how joyful the tiger now seemed at the prospect of freedom, the zoo authorities transported him to the forest and set him free, where never again would he lose his color.

How true!!

What am I alluding to?

How many of us are in a state of mind, situation, surrounding or relationship that is draining us day in day out and putting the coils of negativity around us that consumes every bit of energy. Negativity so strong that it takes our ability to logic and reasoning and we end up burying ourselves in a self-made hole.

My mother always said that “If God wants to punish you, God takes your brain away”. It is the ability for you to think what is right from wrong, or ending up doing things, making decisions or taking steps that would be so obvious and wrong to any sane person, but you will still do them nevertheless.

How many of us feel chained and live in the anticipation of freedom just like the colorless tiger. Freedom from the state we are in, freedom from the situation we find ourselves in or freedom from the relationship we drag ourselves into. Knowing that it is harmful and unhealthy, but we still live it, in hope of a brighter future.

In one of my blogs Hope is Always Loud, Never Silent, I said “Life always offers everyone a Second Chance, It is called Tomorrow”.

But that doesn’t mean that life will sort it out for you, and all you do is sit and hope. And be in the situation you are in, by calling it your destiny or karma.

Anything that chains you from reality and drains you inside out and is more harmful and unhealthy is toxic in nature.

In simple words, anything or anyone that causes you harm, physically, emotionally or mentally is toxic. It can be a thing like sugar nothing but sweet poison, or it can be a person in any form of relationship, a friend, a date or a partner.

Beware!!! Human Beings and their Relationships can be Sweet but Toxic. I call it Sweet Poison.

By definition a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.

Before you resign yourself to your friend's behavior, know this: “Friends are like stars, they come and go, but the ones that stay are the ones that glow”.

Staying with toxic friends influences you more than you think. I wrote in my blog The Sum of Five, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

So in your relationship with your so called friends, look for the any of the signs below, because if they are present, it’s time to wake up

• ·       Always walking on eggshells

One of the first signs of a toxic relationship is when one friend is very controlling. This doesn't always mean physically threatening or violent. It can simply be that you feel frightened to share your opinions because you're nervous and afraid of your friend’s emotional reactions. And if you find yourself dumbing things down so your friend can feel smart or save the day - huge red flag.

•        You feel a little queasy or uneasy

Your body is smart. If you were to eat poison, your body would immediately try to throw it up. If you get something in your eye, your eye starts tearing. Stressed. Your hair will fall out. Get it? So if you’re having physical issues like ulcers, throwing up, dizziness/passing out, chest pains, or new skin flare-ups, your body may be trying to get your attention. What is the root cause of these ill feelings? They might be symptoms of garden-variety stress, but "if your partner, a friend, or co-worker is the person that comes to mind first, that is a sign that you need to give someone the boot or begin a conversation to mend the problem.

•        Everything is so dramatic, all the time

Relationships thrive on high theatrics - screaming, accusations, hands, and words flying. As long as there are not physical assaults, or so long as the words are not hateful or contemptuous, that's not necessarily a bad thing. If your friend or partner keeps lighting fireworks over your sea of tranquility, then that could be a sign of a destructive relationship.

• ·       There is a constant power tug-of-war game

If you’re concerned about the balance of power in your friendship, it can be helpful to imagine your relationship as a seesaw. If both friends understand their power (or are empowered), the seesaw stays relatively level and balanced. But if one person in the relationship has brought in a feeling of powerlessness, you may try to compensate by baring down on the seesaw, shifting your weight, and perpetually uprooting, destabilizing, or ungrounding your friend on the other side.

If any of the above signs exist in your relationship then it is Time to gather yourself. Time to Move On. To do that you have to be calm and patient and believe that not all is lost.

1.   Bye Bye denial

Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with X? Do I WANT to spend time with X or do I feel like I have to? Do I feel sorry for X? Do I go to X looking for a response that I never get? Do I come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Do I even like X? Go check out this questionnaire if you are still confused.

2.   Identify the perks

All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy again? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

3.   Surround yourself with positive friends

Lots of support and friends isn’t going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends - i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

4.   Drop a note to yourself and bribe yourself

A good idea can be writing memo or sticky notes to yourself to cover those fragile moments when you know you need reinforcement. Compose a note, drop it in the mail, and then be pleasantly surprised to find a letter addressed to yourself.

I know there are experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than bribing to get to a goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way.

5.   Fill the Void, Heal the shame

Breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work. You need to handle yourself with kid gloves and accept the fact that it was a mistake and there’s no shame in facing what u went through. Being reclusive and not being able to talk to anyone is not the solution. Remember, opinions are like body orifices, everyone has one. So at most times, you will be told what a big blunder you made, but its fine, take the criticism in your stride and heal the shame. 

So yes everyone wants freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of choice, freedom to live, the way they want.

Losing will not always amount to a loss, sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things

It is only just to end the blog with such apt words

Freedom

If I were a bird

I would fly myself

Free of this place.

I would go far past infinity

Into the distance forever

And stay there for rest of eternity.

The wind between my feathers

The sun firing up my back

Igniting my loosened soul.

I would break my chained restraints

And forget all of my problems,

Touching the clouds, as I went

If I were a bird

I would use my wings and fly

Just to know that freedom isn’t a lie.

Of course people will come and go, relationships will be sweet and sour, you will be right at times and at times you will make mistakes. We will constantly be torn between 'I wish we had met earlier’ and 'I wish we had never met'. If it comes, let it come. If it goes, its ok, let it go. Let things come and go. Don't let anything disturb your peace.

Don't ever stop believing in your own transformation. It is still happening even on days you may not realize it or feel like it.

Shed the Sweet Poison, Delete the Toxic Waste. Stay calm and carry on.