SUZANNE'S NEWSLETTER - APRIL 2024

Hello to my wonderful network,

I am blessed with a wonderful mother but my goodness it has been hard for us both to deal with her ageing! My mom and I are cut from the same cloth in that we are highly independent and oriented towards helping others.? We are also both alpha and don’t like to be told what to do, especially by each other.?

After my dad died suddenly at age 60, I can remember worrying about my mom and thinking I knew what was best for her.? I was wrong. After a period of intense grief, she shocked us all when she started dating, took up dancing and art lessons, bought a snazzy new wardrobe (this threw me because I was used to seeing her in housecoats), and made it very clear that she was in control of her life.? She later married the one guy she dated (lucky him!) and they started a whole new age of dynasty as the matriarch and patriarch of our family.

My mom recently turned 82, and she and my stepdad (age 91) have gone through a few difficult years recently dealing with their health and challenging family dynamics, not to mention the isolation of the pandemic. I’ve been my mother’s support person through much of it and again, I found myself opinionated about how she should be living her life.? Again, I was wrong. Ish. While my mom made some decisions I didn’t agree with about how to cope with adversity, they were mostly the right choices for her even though they were hard for me to accept.? It turns out the best support I offered my mom was when I provided a compassionate ear, guidance when requested, love always and empowering her, especially when I felt she was making positive changes. Ironically, this is also what worked best from her to me during times I have struggled throughout my life.?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about how to help those they care about but there is a weird role reversal that can sometimes happen as our parents get older.? We, their children, end up infantilizing them and forget that they are capable people with tons of life experience, rich histories and ingrained identities.? They are also products of their generation and may continue to hold related viewpoints which require our patience, respect and understanding if they are to be swayed into new ways of thinking (namely ours - ha!).

Of course, things are different if your elderly parent is dealing with cognitive decline, dementia, or mental health concerns but important for us to remember that ageing is typically a natural and beautiful life transition, not a disorder.

With age, however, we do have to deal with loss; the loss of loved ones, friends, health, home, our independence and the list goes on. For this reason, we may be rigid in our ways of being as we get older.? Understandable if our environment or personhood are among the few things over which we still have control.?

This point was illustrated nicely for me when my uncle told me about his fiancée’s mother, who just turned 99 years old.? Now I’ve met this woman and she is formidable!? She still lives in her own home by herself.? Not surprisingly, everyone but her agrees she shouldn’t.? My uncle told me his fiancée was absolutely perplexed when her mother announced she intended to purchase a chainsaw to cut down a tree in her front yard.? This seems preposterous as the woman has very limited mobility and eyesight, not to mention she is almost 100 years old!!? My uncle’s response was to calm his fiancée by telling her, “Let your mother do what she wants. She’s not going to cut down the tree.? She can’t. She likely won’t even buy the chainsaw.? The idea of purchasing it is a dream and the dream is about possibility.? Let her continue to dream.”

I thought this was a very enlightened way of looking at a perplexing problem. It may not be everyone’s take on the situation but I thought it was worth consideration.

As it happens, many of us will need to step in to provide guidance and support to our elderly parents and this is why as one grows older, it is important to have powers of attorney and estate plans in place.? Parents, please don’t leave your adult children a mess to clean up!? The more you can do to be clear in your wishes surrounding the management of your health and finances, to provide for yourself in retirement by managing your money and your relationships wisely, to have a solid strategy to look after yourself and your home if you plan to age in place (i.e. stay put in your existing home), to pre-plan your funeral or celebration of life, and to sort through all the 'precious-to-you' stuff you have collected in your house BEFORE you need to downsize, the better off you and your kids will be.

And to all the adult children out there, your parents don’t owe you happiness and they don’t owe you their hard-earned money. ?They may certainly have had influence over your well-being and in some cases, they may owe you an apology but ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for how you feel and for supporting yourself financially as an adult (unless you are differently abled, of course).? As for your parents’ finances, best if they spend their resources on themselves and others in a way that brings them joy and fulfillment.? If there is some left over for you or a charitable or educational organization, awesome but don’t make that a condition of their receiving your love and affection.

Life is short and it is a gift. So is caregiving. Thank you to both children and parents for all you do for each other.

?RESOURCES

I like to share knowledge and this month; I’m passing on a few gems of information as follows:

• Council on Ageing Ottawa.? This worthy organization’s mandate is to advance the well-being of Ottawa’s older adults: https://coaottawa.ca/
• Book, “Don’t Leave a Mess:? How to Disaster-Proof Your Family Legacy” by Sandy Pollack: https://www.dontleaveamess.ca/
• CTV News Article – Ageing in Place: https://www.ctvnews.ca/business/what-do-senior-citizens-need-to-do-to-age-in-place-1.6141831

READ OF THE MONTH

I have a fun update to my newsletter last month in which I recommended “10% Happier” by Dan Harris.? Guess what?? Mr. Harris himself liked my LinkedIn post of my newsletter reviewing his book and he also asked me to join his network on LinkedIn.? I was THRILLED!? It just goes to show that you never know who is paying attention to what you have to say.

In light of my exploration of ageing this month, I’m recommending “The Gift” by Dr. Edith Eger. She lived through the holocaust at age 16 and became a psychiatrist in her 40s.? Her perspective on life, mental health, ageing and a whole host of other considerations are absolute gold.? I loved this book and especially Dr. Eger’s recommendation that we appreciate the time we've had with our parents.? Good or bad, they are our most important teachers. Wise words indeed.

I hope this helps.

Suzanne