SUSTAINING THAT MOST NUANCED OF RELATIONSHIPS - THE RELATIONSHIO WITH YOUR MENTOR

Mentoring another person places heavy demands on your emotional intelligence. As in any personal or professional relationship, your awareness of the other person is a key indicator of your success as a professional mentor. Constantly, you need to be monitoring your own behaviour, and be acutely aware of how you are ‘coming across’ to your mentee, especially early on in your mentoring relationship.

?Then, tuning up your own self-awareness enables you to be far more other-aware – awareness of others was Daniel Goleman’s second-most important trait in an emotionally intelligent leader after all! Being aware of the other person’s feelings as they respond to your conversations and discussions with them requires heightened empathy and sometimes a dose of compassion as well. Mentoring well at the very least demands that you put on the other person’s moccasins and walk a mile in them.

?And it does not always go well, as Janice Omadeke, CEO of The Mentor Method, which helps companies retain and develop their diverse talent using the proven power of mentorship, points out (in The importance of setting boundaries with your mentor, in Harvard Business Review, 5 June 2024):

At a recent networking event, I was introduced to a young professional in her first five years in the workforce. (Let’s call her Anne.) She was in the process of assembling a board of mentors,? and expressed concern about one individual who seemed to take offense when she didn’t act on their advice immediately or at all. More concerning to her was this mentor’s tendency to veer into personal topics, such as her future family planning — an area she hadn’t yet decided on and felt was irrelevant anyway to her current goal of securing a sales position at a large tech company. Anne liked this mentor but was uncomfortable with his focus on her personal life and unsure of how to address it.

Omadeke considers that this scenario illustrates the nuanced challenges inherent in mentor-mentee relationships, noting that while a great mentorship can result in a transformative connection between two people, it requires a delicate balance of three things:

1. Commitment (meeting regularly)
2. Curiosity (asking thoughtful questions), and
3. Vulnerability (being open and honest)

None of these things is easy, Omadeke concedes, but the most difficult might just be the third because, as Anne is learning, it involves establishing healthy boundaries.

In a mentorship, Omadeke thinks of boundaries as markers that delineate what is considered appropriate, safe, and permissible during mentor-mentee exchanges. With work and life overlapping in so many areas, it’s nearly impossible to discuss one without tapping some way into the other, she continues, allowing that in most mentorships, both parties are already walking a fine line between the personal and professional.

And that is why having clear boundaries — along with responses to share when those limits are transgressed — is important for safeguarding your mental health, your privacy, and your productivity, she affirms, pointing out that when applied thoughtfully, boundaries can help set the stage for where you and your mentor will focus, resulting in a positive and mutually respectful relationship.

If you feel you need to establish some boundaries in your relationship with your mentor, Omadeke offers these tips to get you started.

How to Understand Your Limits

Boundaries can be set around a number of things, but when it comes to your mentorship, Omadeke asserts, and recommends that you reflect on a few specific areas, perhaps by listing your answers to the following questions:

• What am I comfortable discussing (and not discussing) about my work?
• What am I comfortable discussing (and not discussing) about my life?
• When and where am I most comfortable (and uncomfortable) meeting?
• How am I most comfortable (and uncomfortable) communicating?

For instance, she goes on, perhaps you’re comfortable talking to your mentor about the skills you want to develop to stand out among your peers, but do not feel comfortable gossiping about your peers with them. Or perhaps you’re comfortable discussing your family with them on a surface level, but are uncomfortable confiding in them about deeper matters (e.g. your family plans, or your relationship with your parents).

However, she warns, you won’t be able to communicate, or uphold, your preferences around these things (aka your boundaries) unless you do the work to identify what they are. But once you have done this, you can intentionally tailor the mentorship experience to be both effective and comfortable, maintaining professionalism while fostering a friendly and open atmosphere.

What is obvious in Omadeke’s advice is that both mentor and mentee need to be willing to be conscious of the importance of becoming self-aware through being self-reflective in the moment, and also other aware – aware of how what they are saying, suggesting, hinting or recommending – is being received by the other.

Pro tip:

Sometimes, you may not recognise a limit until it has been crossed. If your mentor does something or says something that feels triggering or uncomfortable to you — take note. That is likely a boundary you need to establish with them, Omadeke offers.

How to Communicate a Boundary

Omadeke advocates a frank, candid, adult approach to sustaining your mentoring relationship. While your mentor may be your boss, or senior to you in the organisation, the mentoring relationship is fundamentally about trust. Trusting the mentor’s ability to be confidential. Trusting that they have your best interests at heart. Trusting that the advice they are offering – and remember, that is essentially what a mentor does, offers advice – is likely to be effective as you navigate the next challenge your work-day presents to you.

Thus, having a conversation about boundaries with your mentor, preferably at the start of the relationship, will set a strong foundation, Omadeke says, suggesting a great way to start is by flipping the script and asking your mentor about their boundaries first.

Here is her script:

During a one-on-one meeting, you can say something like, “I really admire you and your work and know you can teach me a lot. Since this is all new, though, I wanted to ask: What boundaries do you want to have around our mentoring relationship? Like, where and how often are you most comfortable meeting? Do you have any pet peeves I should know about, or topics that are off limits for you?”

Other useful questions Omadeke includes are:

• How do you like to engage with mentees?
• What drains you?
• What are your communication preferences?

Listen to their answers, taking the opportunity to weigh in about your own boundaries as they share, Omadeke tells you, adding, ?If your mentor says, “I really like to keep the details about my personal life out of work,” you can weigh in, “Okay, that’s good to know. I’m an open book, so I don’t mind sharing if you have questions.” If you feel comfortable, you can be even more direct: “Thanks for letting me know. Here are a few things I thought might be helpful for you to know about me.”

Other scenarios? Omadeke asks,

What if you want to establish a new boundary with a mentor that you’ve had for some time and know well? Communicate it in a clear, but respectful, way. Don’t just name the boundary (“I don’t like meeting outside of work.”). Explain what you’d like to see change and why (“Would you be open to meeting at this time instead? I’m usually drained at the end of the day and it’s hard to focus.”)

As an example, I once collaborated with a mentor who preferred discussing professional matters over happy hour drinks. Since I didn’t drink and found the setting less conducive to productive conversations, I proposed that we meet during daytime hours or switch to virtual meetings for any discussions that needed to happen later. Although they initially found this unexpected they respected my preference, and we adapted to daytime virtual meetings.

Pro tip:

Your professional landscape and personal needs will evolve over time. Be ready to revisit and adjust your boundaries as necessary. Keeping the lines of communication open with your mentor about these changes is crucial for managing expectations and maintaining a healthy, productive relationship. Omadeke counsels.

How to Establish a Boundary in the Moment

Then the horrible situation arises when someone crosses a boundary that you haven’t previously communicated. What should do you?

This scenario is common, especially if the relationship is new and you’re still learning what you are and aren’t comfortable sharing, Omadeke admits.

She goes on to acknowledge that you’ll likely know when a boundary is crossed by your immediate reaction to a question, action, or statement. For instance, if your mentor asks you a question about your personal life that triggers an uncomfortable emotional or physical reaction, they may have just crossed a boundary.

Omadeke recommends that you keep this response simple too. In this case, saying a simple “I’m not comfortable discussing that, but am comfortable talking about (other things you feel comfortable about) and I’d love to stick to those,” is a clear way to establish your limits and move the conversation forward. You can also try, “That’s not an area of my life I really want to get into. It’s not personal, just a boundary I’ve set for myself at work.” ?

Your mentor is not your friend. A trusted colleague, yes, even a critical friend, but not a friend who can presume upon your private space.

If your mentor continues to overstep and disrespect your needs, it’s time to be firmer, Omadeke says, bluntly. It is OK to say, “I’ve already shared that this is a boundary for me and it seems like I either wasn’t clear enough in my communication or perhaps we’re not aligned on what respect in a mentor relationship looks like. I really appreciate your guidance, and I want to work together to make sure we both feel like this is a safe space. Do you understand where I’m coming from?” This puts the responsibility on your mentor to make a change.

Give them the chance to respond to your feelings,Omadeke suggests. If they acknowledge your feelings and make an effort to adjust, you can continue the mentorship without revisiting the issue. Remember, a true mentor will respect your boundaries, as this respect is fundamental to any collaborative relationship. And while it’s natural to worry about potential backlash, a mentor who reacts negatively or seems dismissive may not be the right match for you. Have the courage of your convictions. It is not acceptable for a professional mentor to take advantage of their seniority to make you feel diminished or in any way uncomfortable.

Readers who are working as mentors with younger, less experienced colleagues, please take note!

Pro tip:

To gain confidence in communicating your boundaries and even just saying “no” to a mentor, practice with a friend or in front of a mirror. Use a straightforward script like, “I’d prefer to stick to our current topic,” “I see it differently, and here’s why,” or, “I understand your point, but it doesn’t quite fit my situation because…”

Omadeke knows that understanding and communicating your limits to your mentor is going to take practice, and that sharing those limits with a more senior colleague, particularly a mentor whom you admire, might feel somewhat intimidating at first. But rest assured, she concludes, despite the challenge, it is possible to set, create, and reinforce boundaries with your mentor in a respectful way. Start with these tips, and over time, you’ll gain the confidence you need to stand your ground.

This is the third of a series of three articles reflecting on the importance of Mentoring as a way to support the personal and professional growth of emerging and established leaders in institutions and schools. The first appeared on Friday 21 June; the second on 25 June.

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