Surviving lockdown as a family

During these tough unprecedented times, we find ourselves as normal families having the strangest collective challenges. We all appreciate that the stark reality of our current situation means that we are all in danger and most are working hard to be kind and respectful. Many of us will know either directly or indirectly, someone who is or who has suffered loss through this horrible virus.

However, in our individual day to day family environments, most of us do have choices as to how we adjust to our new temporary way of life. The best thing about us humans is that we are adaptable. Yes, we’ll all be going through a variety of emotions, everyday…and it's tough on us all, in different ways.

What I want to address here, is a simple concept that can help everyone, no matter what your family is going through. Its about taking the time and energy to think about how to respect each other’s view world. I’ll address this by using a simple model of explanation:

What do we mean by 'respecting each other’s world'?

Imagine there are 4 people in a family. A married middle-aged couple, an 18-year-old and an 11-year-old. Firstly, the married couple have their own adult differences…male and female ones, how adaptable they are to change, how they manage fear, how they currently view things economically for the future of the family, how they view home schooling, how they energise (i.e. are they an introvert, an extrovert), their current personal health and much more. So many different parameters to consider. This affects what each sees as a priority and indeed how they are able to communicate and manage their own time and energy, in what is for everyone, a restricted space, for 24 hours a day….and with limited stress release outlets. Oh, and that’s without even considering if someone in the household is sick, which lumps an unprecedented level of additional stress and fear on top.

So, why is it so important to take time to understand each other’s needs?

Simply put, we all need to feel valued and loved. When you strip it all back to the core, the only true happiness in life is to love and to be loved. And, when we endure stress, we need it even more to avoid feeling scared and isolated. So, right now, we all need to be more mindful of everyone else’s needs. Otherwise, with all the added stress, we’ll damage our most precious relationships at the very time when we need each other most. Think of last night, when we all stood outside and clapped our wonderful NHS workers. We recognized the needs of others, we gave love, we connected with each other and nourished each other. We received love back from others, from a bigger energy source than we are normally used to. We thought of life at its core. How simple, but how wonderful. By investing a small amount of time, regularly, in those closest to us - we can dramatically change the way we cope with our imposed change.

So how do we do it? Well, the good news is that it can be simple, but it's certainly not easy. So be prepared to put the effort in, now. Here’s a few ideas that might help.

Sit down as a household and ask each person how they are feeling and what’s important to them to be able to feel positive and secure during these strange times.

As a family, we aim to do this on a nightly basis during dinner, round the table. For my son, spending time outside kicking a football around once a day, every day, with me - is what really matters to him right now. By agreeing a time in advance for the following day, gives him security, and exercise and one on one quality time. It creates a safe place for him to feel connected. For our eighteen-year-old, she enjoys the quizzes. Doing the Harry Potter quiz and the virtual pub quiz on consecutive evenings this week seemed to give her a boost. We all sat around, connected and had quality time. She and her brother schedule ‘board game time each day’ – how nice it is to see them connecting and relaxing. My wife and I make sure that we connect and catch up on events over a coffee first thing…. before we move apart to tackle our work for the day.

Space and time apart.

Being with each other 24/7/21 is tough and it will get tougher as time goes on, especially if the sun recedes! We really should be grateful for it eh? How much does it mean right now? It's a real blessing! Creating safe, personal space is hugely important. Whether we need space to do conference calls, video-based school lessons or Joe Wickes’s daily workout, we all need it. For example, it's totally unfair for me to command sole use of my home office, so it's best to ask if anyone else wants to use it for some alone desk time too. I learned that one this week! Must do better. If I remember however, to ask everyone if they need it more than me, I’m being considerate and it might help us all have a better day.

Positively affirming each other:

We need to make sure that we collectively tell each other what we’re doing well! It's so much more important than telling each other how we’ve annoyed each other! We won’t get it right straight away, there will be tension, but we can learn from each other. The fact that our eleven-year-old, gets up to do his Joe Wickes workout every day is a testament to his ability to self-motivate. The fact that we manage to go out for a walk together is REALLY GOOD! It fosters connectedness. The fact that we’re still sane and finding ways to cope is really good, we’re all learning. Imagine how good you can make family members feel if during your sit-down dinner, you can each handout a single compliment about every other family member. You have the time, why not do it?

We’ve set up a ‘positivity jar’ where each night we each write down three things that have been positive during that day. At the end of each week, we’ll pull them out and read them out around the table. It's important to keep being grateful for the good things that we do have, whatever they might be. It can also give strong insights as to what’s important to each family member – allows you to discuss them deeper and reassure them that developing this life skill is something we can all benefit from, always.

Acts of service:

Think of the things you really appreciate your family members doing for you? Have you taken time to ask what’s important that you do for them? Are you doing those things? Consistently? What can you change next week? I for one like being made a cup of tea when someone else is making one. I also appreciate my wife keeping the washing going 24/7 and my kids loading and unloading the dishwasher. Why not ask each other during your together times, what small acts of service are important to them during our forced confinement? The small questions can make a huge difference.

Physical touch:

Who in the family seems to need more hugs and kisses? Or is this something that as a family you’re not big on? Some of us need it to give that security and reassurance, and others don’t. How is it for your family? If you’re a family of huggers, regular group hugs can increase that feeling of togetherness without much effort at all!

So, as we near the end of week one in lockdown, maybe have a think about what went well in your family, what didn’t go so well…and what you personally can do to make next week a better one. It’s the weekend – and what a weird one it will be! Have fun doing virtual quizzes, holding virtual parties and whatever it is that keeps you sane in these challenging times. Don’t beat yourself up on how hard it was this week…..but aim to review and reflect on the positive life experiences you had this week. Keep safe and I hope all of you can manage to raise a smile inside.