Whether you’re the parent who has made the decision or not, neither of you will be functioning at your best in the earliest days of your separation. Taking the first step towards separation or divorce can trigger an emotional crisis (the ‘loss cycle’) and for those who did not ‘see it coming’, you will find yourself in the early stages of shock, and probably, denial. Many think it could never happen to them. And like being in some awful car crash, as the airbag inflates, it acts as a kind of ‘buffer’, safely protecting you from having to absorb all the ‘trauma’ effects of the separation journey at once.?
Throughout the earliest days, as reality sinks in, you may feel like you’re experiencing an earthquake as the ground beneath you shifts and you lose your sense of balance. You may feel as though you’ve been catapulted into some weird alternate universe - cast adrift, lost and fearful you may never find your way back through the darkness and be able to deal with the difficult days ahead.
Here are some self-help tips on learning to cope as well as you can:
- Get ‘grounded’. Find some form of meditation, relaxation technique or mindful practice to ‘ground’ yourself at the start of every day.?Although at times you may feel overwhelmed and even physically nauseated, the key is reminding yourself repeatedly (write your own mantra) that you will get through the tough times ahead and you will survive this experience of separation! Deep breathing exercises will also help you stay in the present and regain control of any anxieties.?
- Keep putting one foot in front of the other! Keep trying to maintain all your daily routines because consistency provides stability. Don’t be tempted to go back to bed after the school drop-off.?Burying your head under the duvet (or in the sand) is not the answer. Instead, take the dog (or just yourself!) out for a long walk. Staying active is a key factor and all forms of exercise are great stress-busters. Many find that focusing on work-life and tasks makes it easier to set aside, manage and minimise the negative emotions.
- Pay attention to your self-care and the needs of your children. Overwhelmed with emotion, some lose their appetite while others over-eat to self-soothe. Some resume unhealthy habits such as smoking and others increase their alcohol intake. Many resort to anti-depressants to find a way through the low moods and anxiety. Ultimately, putting more toxins into your body can damage your nervous system and further deplete your valuable energy. Try to make a conscious decision to avoid the kind of ‘binge’ behaviour that you’ll probably end up feeling guilty about. Focus on the fundamentals of eating and sleeping well. Be consciously kind to yourself - emotionally and physically! Most importantly, commit to being there for your children when they need you most!
- Stay calm, stay present. At times it will be hard to think?clearly, especially when you’re probably feeling anxious, or even fearful, of the future. You may also be feeling guilt, anger or shame. To calm the thought process and the crazy emotional rollercoaster in your head, you need to focus on breathing well. Learn to engage the higher, rational part of your human brain and pacify the ‘reptilian’ or lower ‘lizard’ brain each time you feel your internal ‘alarm’ being triggered. Remember, nobody escapes the emotional ‘lows’ of the loss cycle so find the right specialist support.?As a parent, putting your children first will help motivate and calm you through the process.
- Leave all those big decisions alone! Most parents are not ‘in the same place’ at the start of their separation. Yet many parents start trying to negotiate their financial settlement or child arrangements immediately. Allowing some time for reflection and healing is respectful to one another. The ‘big things' such as the family home and childcare arrangements need careful and thoughtful processing! While there are raw, intense and highly-charged emotions involved, you are more likely to feel rushed or pressured to agree to things without the benefit of time. Consider all the options carefully and understand your legal rights. With a calmer?mind and plenty of specialist advice, you will make better-informed decisions.?
- Don’t litigate - mediate! Some get stuck in anger and then act purely on impulse, ?immediately make plans to file for divorce or head into the courts. Some relinquish control of their family matters to an adversarial lawyer rather than adopting a collaborative, mindful approach. Instead, empower yourself and stay in control of your family because ‘reptilian-brain’ instructions and responses will end up costing you dearly! Once the ‘dust has settled’ and you are both ready, try to mediate in good faith. Mediation is the first sensible step for parents - be ‘open’ to it!
- Find out who your friends are. People who care about you are likely to react strongly to the news of your separation. Although this is the time to seek support from friends and family, avoid asking them to take sides. Many will offer you well-meaning advice which may prove unhelpful or inaccurate.?Adversarial actions will often make matters worse so ask them to focus on supporting you and your family through the transitions and not to criticise your ex when your children are present.
- Believe in the next chapter. In spite of how you may be feeling now, life goes on! We’re all ‘evolving’ and, in relationships, we are never the same in the next as we were in the last. Don’t waste valuable resources (time, energy and money!) plotting your revenge, trying to hide your financial assets or diminishing the other parent! Your children are astute enough to figure it all out for themselves! In the process of getting ‘even’, you will end up hurting yourself far more than you punish the other parent.?The future lies ahead for you and your children - keep moving towards it.
