Surviving Criticism - My 3 Strategies

Social acceptance and approval matter. If we could operate in silos without connecting with other humans we would. But we can’t. Our existence, well-being and opportunities all rely on how well we relate to our environment and that includes other people. That is why social media is as popular as it is. No matter how its users violate standards of decency, privacy and truth we stay connected. It is a means of accelerating our need to connect with others whether meaningfully or superficially. People need people.

Those relationships, whether intimate, personal, casual or platonic can be complicated simply because we don’t get to choose who people are and we have no divine power to change them. We will be caught in workplaces, classrooms, friendships and random encounters with beings that challenge our patience and capacity for love and forgiveness. It gets doubly hard when the community is digital, anonymous and transient. Without the right mindset and emotional toolkit we will be caught off guard and become entangled in animosity, rage, constant friction – worse with people we don’t know, will never meet and quite frankly don’t care much about.

I have faced some harsh, unreasonable and vicious criticism in my lifetime and only through practice have I learned how to avoid, diffuse or heal after those encounters. I have also learned how to separate strangers from friends, no matter what Facebook labels them as. But most importantly I have accepted the truth that, while everyone has an opinion, not every opinion counts.

THE PROBLEM? EXPECTATIONS.

Don’t expect people to be anything more than who they are.

How often have you been left suspended in shock and disappointment because you did not “expect” someone to say that or “expected” someone to behave in a particular way? We all have expectations about how people will treat us, especially those we consider friends and loved ones. People’s behaviour will always remain outside our realm of control. The sooner we accept that, the closer we get to lasting peace.

As you enter new relationships or build on existing ones, audit your expectations. What you consider appropriate may not be the same for another. What you would do or say may be the exact opposite for someone else. Your standards and ambitions may find no favour in the eyes of those from whom you are seeking approval. Prepare yourself emotionally for that truth and do not oppose it. People have a right to their choices, as do you. Don’t EXPECT people…ACCEPT them. And if you can’t, leave them be.

Conflict and animosity too often emerge from our incessant need to tell people who they should be, what they should do and how they should feel. Become an observer of those you love. What do they value? What are their ambitions? Can you support them? Do their values conflict with your own? If you are unable to deposit encouragement and support then it may be a sign of a conflict waiting to happen. Remember, we all have flaws that need fixing. If we are to build relationships and develop influence among others we must find less examples for critique and more for common ground.

But what happens when you are the victim of criticism and violent opposition? What can you do to maintain a cool head, steady hands and an open heart? Can we avoid becoming bitter even as bitterness is spewed in our direction daily?

Yes. We can.

1. Compassion: When people get angry they experience suffering. The brain loses some of its oxygen supply to answer the call of a racing heart and rising blood pressure. Anger triggers the distress mechanism in our body and that is true for every human being. When people direct anger or rage towards you, know that they are suffering. Do not join them in the suffering by become angry, too. Practice a compassionate form of thinking and speaking to offer healing and love. Think about the joy that they need in this moment. What good thing would make them so happy that they would have no time to be angry with you for your life choices? Project images of them receiving that and commit to genuinely wanting the best for them. I use a loving-kindness meditation to trigger those thoughts.
2. Kindness: Lao Tzu said of wise men, “he is kind to the kind. He is also kind to the unkind.” Responding with hate, rage and anger is like an unending see-saw ride between yourself and your aggressor. It takes you nowhere. If you come off of the see-saw you get to move on AND you leave the aggressor suspended in the air to figure out how they will get back down. Be kind enough to not get on the see-saw in the first place. Save yourself and the aggressor the wasted time and energy.
3. Forgiveness: No one has an obligation to agree with us and our decisions. When we choose to carry a grudge it is proof that we are in opposition to the word “No”. We must learn to be ok with getting a “NO” from the world; be ok with people not agreeing with and supporting you. Not everyone will agree with our choices, our opinions, our ambitions. Instead of responding with hate or malice remind yourself that you say “No” all the time. Just like you have a right to disagree, so do others. Accept their no and move on. Forgive and press forward.

Life won’t get easier but you can get better tools for the journey. If your goal is to make an impact then prepare for those efforts to be scrutinised. You cannot expect to have influence without opposition and criticism. Don’t take it personally. It is the universe at work, balancing energies to ensure there is equilibrium.

I have found that the Court of Public Opinion is always in session and ready to deliver a ruling on everyone’s life but their own. But do not be anxious. Do not feel imprisoned. Their verdicts are never binding.