Survival of the un-fittest

by Nadeem Akram

Pakistan Cricket Board’s management reminds me of the movie Ice Age. It is still unclear who will be singing and dancing like Manny, Sid and Ellie as they did upon finding a safe haven. For now, all is quite at the Western Front, even after the return of Scorpion King who has probably vowed to give his soul to Anubis (The Devil) in return to hold on to his grip of Board’s affairs. Like The Manny herd in the movie Ice Age who had to outmaneuver Soto and his gang as they forged ahead towards safety, the Mammoths of PCB are willing to crawl under any rock as long as they can enjoy the lofty perks and benefits that come with the positions they hold. Surely, these Mammoths cannot outrun the ever agile Soto owing to the burden they carry on their souls, yet thanks to Anubis and the art of sycophancy they have mastered in their long and “illustrious” careers, our Manny and his herd has the will, tenacity, skills, and shrewd sense of survival which many of their predecessors lacked. It appears that after the recent ‘overhaul’ in England, our Manny is more likely to prosper whereas the “Sotos” of this world will end up licking their wounds and entombing their ambitions. There is a striking resemblance between the movie Ice Age and the world we live in today. In the movie the Dinosaurs, who kept a low profile during the entire saga, remained unscathed and lived happily ever after. (Surely, they ended up being extinct, but a particular specie survived and is found in abundance in the power corridors throughout the world, Pakistan probably has the highest number of those, Pakistan Cricket Board is no exception)

Mammoths and Sloths became instinct overtime and those who survived adapted to the new environs. Elephants, for instance, being the descendants of Mammoths evolved and as Aristotle puts it is “the animal which surpasses all others in wit and mind." And our Manny is a true manifestation of what has been said about its descendants. And so as the story goes, our Manny is making the most under the unusually bright wintery sun. We will take leave from Manny and his herd as it makes hay while the wintry sun shines ever so bright, we will now turn our attention to couple of his mates Sid and Captain Gutt.

Let us take Sid first. Just like the Sid of the movie, our Sid is a happy-go-lucky sloth which has been looking for love in all the wrong places. In early 70’s it is alleged that he was found wandering the Balochistan wilderness to find love of his life, however, the herd he hooked up with was devoured by Diego, tough-as-nails saber tooth tigers, and Sid had a near death experience only to be saved by the bell. He reappeared in early nineties in “Shining India” and had the audacity to challenge Diego all by himself and once again he nearly lost it all. Finally it dawned upon him, that his survival and chances of finding Brooke, the beautiful, artistic sloth, is to surrender his soul to Anubis like his friend Manny had. Ever since his submission to Anibus, he has never looked back and right now he is on top the world and is a proud owner of a know-it-all magical sparrow. Even Manny has grudgingly allowed him to run around with the herd despite his shenanigans and occasional goof-ups.

Let us turn our attention to Captain Gutt, this character in the movie as well as in real life is a “haughty, prideful, disrespectful, supercilious, manipulate and egomaniacal parasite, hiding his deceitful, fraudulent and easily-provoked nature through an amiable face” that he presents in public to Manny and his predecessors in an effort to win them over for his personal gains. Our real life Captain Gutt, in addition to the afore-mentioned qualities possess the unique skill of changing colors like a Chameleon. He has managed to not only survive, but amassed considerable wealth and worldly possession at the expense of Pakistan Cricket Board. How he managed to do outwit the wits and minds of various leader of herd? Simple, like a Chameleon, he changes to brighter color according to season, circumstances and occasion and darker colors when someone submit or "give up" His journey from a being a humble sports reporter to de-facto owner of cricketing set-up in Islamabad and to a policy maker in Pakistan Cricket Board, easily overshadows most infamous “Gold-diggers” in the world, the only exception being that instead of feigning romance, he employed every deplorable tact to get what he wants and succeeded in the end. Who says, individuals do not have the ‘license to print money”?