Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you

As well as my own reflections on friendships this week, this has been a significant topic in a number of professional discussions. A further observation with regard to this has been how stressed or upset the person who has been talking about the issue has been, and also how I've also felt when having a bit of a vent. This brings me directly to the title of this piece. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and in turn, behave in a way that brings out the best in those around you.

So here are a few of my musings:

1. Taking compliments graciously is healthy: I know many people find this hard (except when they are "fishing"), but for everyone else, please look at it from the giver's point of view. No-one needs to give a compliment. They want to. A simple "Thank you, that's very kind." is all the acknowledgement you need to give. The protestations, can make you sound like you are fishing for more - but, worse, are a rejection of the kindness of others. Why would you want to stop someone being kind? Isn't the world a nicer place with more kindness?
2. If you've not seen someone for ages - make the effort: Perhaps there is someone in your friendship circle who always organises and they haven't been in touch for a while. There is nothing to stop you reaching out to them yourself. They will often be glad you tried (in my experience the "organisers" are the ones who begin to think if they didn't organise, they won't be invited - so if that's not the case, then a little gesture goes a long way.)
3. Clarity avoids awkwardness - and awkwardness is not a nice position to place anyone in. Don't presume, don't assume just ask!: I've made my fair share of ettiquette faux pas in the past - and I'm getting a bit of a taste of my own medicine at the moment as I plan my wedding. However, having learned from my previous experience, and keeping an open mind to those who may know more than me, when it comes to organising anything, clarity of your desires is important. This includes the "Call to action" in terms of the reply; or how to get in touch with you with any questions. ...and in return - as a respondent - if you are unsure of anything, or even if you wish to object - ASK, please don't presume; and if you know the RSVP deadline - please don't wait to be chased. A lot of effort (and often money) goes into planning events, which means that people will not take decisions such as "we regretfully are not including children" or "please wear x" lightly. To presume that this applies to everyone except you puts the onus on the organiser to reject you (again) - making them feel doubly bad. Further, with regards to replying on time - it's one thing to be chased (but it happens) - it's another to be funny about the fact that you were! If you need more time, just communicate this.
4. Do unto others...: As a manager of a customer facing business I have dealt with many customer requests - some were very polite and others not so much. To those who were polite and had clearly read the "terms and conditions", I would feel much more accommodating. To others who demanded rather than asked, I would feel less so. I therefore took the approach of "tit for tat". If it was down to my discretion, if you were nice, I would certainly help; if not - I'd quote the rules. Perhaps I am too sensitive to the behaviour of others, but I know if I'd been as nice as possible and received an abrupt reply in return it would make me unhappy, and I've realised this applies personally also. When I extend niceness to others and get little in return I will stop extending it - and often feel quite stressed (which in turn I may pass on to those around me.) As such, I am now choosing not to concern myself with people who indirectly may negatively affect my behaviour towards others.
5. Appreciate what you have - sometimes you may have it so regularly you forget that not everyone does it!: As I have said in many previous posts - I am lucky to be surrounded with many wonderful people, and this includes my fiance. Recently when I have reflected on other relationships I witness I have come to the conclusions that my fiance is incredibly supportive. He works with me as a team, and - I hope - I do the same. (This includes moving my parents and setting up their TV, wifi etc etc). Because I am lucky to live with this on a regular basis, I have become lax at acknowledging it - this has now changed.
6. People are incredible, valuable beings capable of endless good, as well as bad. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you - and do the same for them: Point 5 goes for everyone. Just last night I had a fantastic time with some friends. I enjoyed a lovely meal, great company and a lot of laughter. Last weekend was similar, and at work too, I know some good people. I go home and think "That was so nice" - and I hope they feel the same when with me. Their company doesn't necessarily make me smarter, or make me rich, or affect me materially in any way. But it makes me smile. It makes me look at my corner of the world and say "this is good". ...and it may also make me let someone out in the traffic, or offer a compliment, or reach out to someone I've not seen for ages (as well as appreciate them for what they give me). In short - they bring out the best in me.

Not everything will always be rose tinted, and as I have said many times this week, if you find people are causing you stress, change your perspective or change your environment. You are ultimately in control of your behaviour and feelings (and cannot presume to change those of others). Neither is it your right to make people think and feel the way you do - if they do not and from both sides there is no room for compromise, perhaps that relationship was not meant to be. The resulting stress as you both try and change each other is not healthy for either party - nor those around.

But if you find yourself with people who make you feel good, and to whom in return you can do the same - that is a wonderful starting point for a relationship that is even better than "good" - together you will grow even more. (This is, the crux of positive psychology - achieving better than ok).

Radiating positivity outwards can only start from within the core - if that is what you want and you or people around you are preventing it, whether through the behaviours I've outlined above to be mindful of or others - only you can take action.

Audrey Tang (CPsychol) embeds positive psychology techniques in her executive training and coaching using the FIRO-B psychometric scale to focus on emotional need and expression. She is a TV Psychologist (The Chrissy B Show Sky203), and her book "Be A Great Manager - Now" promoting interpersonal strength and pro-active leadership and is available on Amazon.

For more about Audrey or to book a FIRO-B coaching session or a personal development training workshop: www.draudreyt.com

Audrey is currently working on a series of Personal Development, and Critical Thinking/Mindfulness programmes with Brunel University's Professional Development Programme "Business Life". This innovative "real world" programme offers students Professional courses and qualifications to support their academic studies, enrich their university experience, and enhance their employability success. To find out more please visit:https://www.brunel.ac.uk/bbs/employability