Supporting those you love with ADHD....

Hey Untanglers,

As we navigate this Christmas period, it's important to recognise that it can be a challenging time for those with ADHD and their loved ones. This newsletter delves into the details of this journey, offering insights and support. Whether you're supporting someone with ADHD or navigating it yourself, I hope you find this newsletter helpful. Feel free to share it with those around you.

ADHD doesn't just affect those who have it, ADHD impacts everyone who is in contact with the ADHDer. If the ADHDer has awareness, understanding and treatment, those surrounding them can for sure be impacted in positive ways. However, for many of us, relationships are often strained due to our ADHD.

The festive period can be a tough time for all involved when it comes to ADHD being part of the lost generation and late diagnosis journey.?

Christmas for me, undiagnosed for most of my life, was very unpredictable and full of extremes. Depending on where I was in my life, I could be a nightmare, drunk by lunchtime causing chaos, hungover from the previous night or the complete opposite, cooking Christmas dinner for my family and being the hostess with the mostess.

Below, I have shared some thoughts on how we can support everyone affected by ADHD, both the individuals who have it and those closely connected to it.

FOR THOSE SUPPORTING THE ONES YOU LOVE WITH ADHD?

ADHD impacts individuals from the minute they are born to the minute they leave the world and from the minute they wake up to the minute they go to sleep.

ADHD is a part of them in every action they take, every communication they have, and everything they create. Hence, it's hard when working through our ADHD late diagnosis to figure out what we are and what is our ADHD.

Put yourself in the shoes of the ADHDer…..?

Who wants to be lazy, late, messy, disorganised, inconsiderate, inconsistent, rude, or forgetful? Understand that us folks with ADHD, whether we show it or not (believe me, we often feel like a hindrance and 'hard work' when it comes to our connections with others) ADHD is not a choice. It's a difference in brain wiring, something that can be worked with and treated but not overnight, and it cannot be reversed.

ADHDers are overly sensitive, especially to perceived rejections, therefore the way we communicate frustrations around their behaviour is KEY to avoiding overreactions, emotional outbursts and all-around bad vibes. Find ways to communicate with compassion and a place of trying to understand instead of judge. Maybe try to put into perspective how much this frustration actually matters in this moment. Is there a better time to communicate it than at the Christmas dinner table? Can it wait until tomorrow?

Living with ADHD means that after years of being criticised and misunderstood, we are usually fully aware of what we can't do and how we struggle. Do your best to show sympathy and patience where you can in our areas of struggle and try to focus on the positive things the ADHDer brings to the party. This will ensure you bring out the very best in them and make the environment a fun place for all. Maybe start the day by listing the things you are grateful for when it comes to your loved one with ADHD.

Remember that the fact you are reading this means you care and are trying to understand how you can support those you love with ADHD. It is everything and while ADHD is not the fault of those who have it, it's also not your fault either.

Supporting yourself through the festive period - For the ADHDer?

1. Impulsive spending and organisation at Christmas: If you come from a family where gift-giving is an important part of the festive period, how can you ensure you have got everyone covered and avoid feeling bad or panic-buying at the last minute, leading to stress and possibly overspending?

What helps me: Making a list of whom I need to buy for and what budget I have for each. I then put reminders, which act as my deadlines, in my diary for when I need to order them. I try to team up with my sisters on family gifts so I have someone to make me accountable and help with taking the pressure off deciding what to buy. I also ensure to do all my shopping online as I know that I struggle with the overstimulation of shopping in stores. So I try to get this done as early as possible to avoid late deliveries.

1. Controlling old copying mechanism alcohol and food: As I have previously had an addictive tendency towards alcohol, using it to numb feelings of unworthiness and to gain confidence in social situations, I am very cautious these days not to overdo it, especially in environments that might trigger me. For me, I can still drink but it's about choosing what I drink and how I consume it. For example, I know wine and shots are a BIG no for me so instead I choose Aperol or gin and I will never start drinking on an empty stomach. If you have struggled with drinking in the past and now no longer drink but could find Christmas triggering, do everything you can to support yourself in this moment. If you have a sponsor, find out if they are available for you that day or can prep you the day before. If not, ask a friend if they can support you.

1. TRIGGERS… How can you prepare to protect yourself before? If you find yourself in a position where your loved ones are still struggling to understand your ADHD diagnosis and may be resistant to wanting to understand it right now, their comments about your ADHD might lead you to react with anger or leave you feeling low. How can you prepare to protect yourself beforehand? What helps me is to remind myself that, firstly, I cannot control what others think or believe, but I can control my reaction to it. While it might feel like a personal attack on me, it isn't me - it's just a lack of understanding. If I react with resentment, this does not change the situation and will only create bad energy for me and others around me.

Socialising at Christmas?

1. Don't overcommit – if you know two nights in a row is too much for you, then don't say yes to two nights in a row. If you need a day alone after a social event, ensure you have one. As ADHDers with a tendency to please people and a proneness for missing details, especially when it comes to scheduling, we often say yes to everything.
2. Do your best to get a restful night's sleep – I know it's easier said than done, believe me, but try to prioritise your sleep routine, especially this month. Do whatever has worked in the past to get you a more restful night's sleep, whether that's reducing screen time, avoiding sugar before bed, taking magnesium or creating boundaries around what time you go to bed. Our ADHD is immensely impacted when we lack sleep and if we are socialising more this month, we need as much rest as possible to show up as the bright and sparkly people we truly are.
3. Keep to routines as much as you can. Start your day with things that help you step into a strong and positive mindset. Spend some time alone in the morning to meditate, move or journal. Remind yourself of your strengths and what you are grateful for, and put on your imaginary cape that protects you from any negative energy that might come your way.

Prepare yourself for the doubters?

1. Knowing that my ADHD is real and I understand my struggles, not everyone understands it. While it would be incredible for those I love to ‘get it’, being resentful doesn't bring joy and won't change the situation. Instead, I try to reserve my energy to focus on showing up as the best version of myself each day.
2. Knowing how to respond: As I mentioned these reactions can come from a lack of understanding. If you want to respond without losing control, reflect on what changed your own view on ADHD and determine what's important for you to share. For me, I've had to learn ways to articulate my responses about my ADHD by sharing scientific insights and shocking statistics I've researched. I provide examples of the things I used to struggle with and explain why they now make sense. I also recommend resources for them to do their own research. This approach has become my way of defending myself without losing my sh*t. I believe that people shouldn’t comment on things they don't understand or haven't researched. My message to them is simple: come back to me when you've done your own research.
3. I AM LOVED… My family won’t be part of every journey I go on and that's ok. Some journeys will be just mine to take outside of our unit, alongside those who are on the same journey and who do understand. While some of my family may not yet understand my differences, I know that they love me very much, and I am grateful for them each and every day.

I know not everyone's situation is the same, some are better and some far worse when it comes to family and ADHD. But wherever you are on your journey with your own loved ones, please remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this and you have an army of people here to listen, understand and support you on those days of struggles. You, my dearest Untanglers, are enough today and always.

If you're just beginning your journey and keen to learn more about my coaching services designed for ADHDers, head over to my website to book a 30 minute discovery call! Check out my website Untangledco.com for additional details.

Become an ADHD Coach in January 2024!

Unlock passion driven income, unleash your full potential, and create meaningful impact with Leanne Maskell’s highly recommended course ‘Learn The ADHD Works Coaching Method To Coach Anybody With ADHD’

Starting January 3rd, 2024 - limited spots! Click here to sign up

Keep Untangling and showing the world what you are made of! Merry bloody Christmas you beautiful souls!

I LOVE YOU xxx

Rosie Turner, Founder of ADHD Untangled