Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving

When someone you care about is grieving after a loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including depression, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Often, they also feel isolated and alone in their grief, since the intense pain and difficult emotions can make people uncomfortable about offering support.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved one feel even worse at such a difficult time. Or maybe you think there’s little you can do to make things better. That’s understandable. But don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. You don’t need to have answers or give advice or say the right things. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. It’s your support and caring presence that will help them cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

In being there for someone who’s grieving

• Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out.
• Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen.
• Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different periods of time.
• Offer to help in practical ways.
• Maintain your support after the last rites and initial mourning period.

Here are some pointers to help you in your support

1: Understand the grieving process

The better your understanding of grief, the better equipped you are to support someone who is bereaved friend or family member:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.?Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling your loved one what they “should” be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviours.?Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your loved one needs reassurance that what they feel is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

There is no set timetable for grieving.?For many people, recovery after bereavement takes upto 2 years, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure your loved one to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.

2: Know what to say to someone who’s grieving

While many of us worry about what to say to a grieving person, it’s actually more important to?listen. Oftentimes, you may avoid talking about the death or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing there’s nothing one can say to make it better, one may try to avoid the grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten. One day they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them can be a huge source of comfort and healing.

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let your grieving friend or loved one know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk about their loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?” you’re letting your loved one know that you’re available to listen.

You may also:

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died.?People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you’re helping your loved one heal.

Share your own experience.?If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. No two people experience it exactly the same way, so don’t claim to “know” what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Again, put the emphasis on listening instead, and ask your loved one to tell you how?they’re?feeling.

Accept your loved one’s feelings.?Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Try not to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so the bereaved need to feel free to express their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication.?Don’t try to minimise their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offer unsolicited advice. It’s far better to just listen to your loved one or simply admit: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”

Be willing to sit in silence.?Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

3: Offer practical support

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so make it easier for them by making specific suggestions. You could say, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

If you’re able to, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance.?

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• Shop for groceries, offer to pay bills or run errands.
• Stay in your loved one’s home to take phone calls and receive guests.
• Watch their children or pick them up from school.
• Drive your loved one wherever they need to go.
• Go with them to a?support group meeting.
• Accompany them on a walk.
• Take them to lunch or a movie.
• Do an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project) together.

4: Provide ongoing support

Your loved one will continue grieving long after the calls, cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, but often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances.?The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside they’re suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide their true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal.?Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over”?the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days.?Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever they need.

5: Watch for warning signs of depression

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade—or they get worse with time—this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as?clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period—especially if it’s been a few months since the death.

1. Difficulty functioning in daily life.
2. Extreme focus on the death.
3. Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt.
4. Neglecting personal hygiene.
5. Alcohol or drug abuse.
6. Inability to enjoy life.
7. Hallucinations.
8. Withdrawing from others.
9. Constant feelings of hopelessness.
10. Talking about dying or suicide.

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns, as you don’t want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try verbalising your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping—perhaps you should look into getting help.“

If you can, continue your support over the long haul.?Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or calling and sending text messages. Once the initial mourning period is over, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than ever.