Supporting Sensitivity in Men: How men can find community with other men

“What about asking a couple of guy friends to meet on a regular basis to simply talk about life?” This was a question I posed to a male coaching client and he said, “Actually, I was thinking the same thing and already know two guy friends I would like to ask.”

For additional context, this male coaching client had mentioned a desire to have deeper friendships with other men.

Over the years, I’ve been shocked to learn how many men have few male friends they feel comfortable opening up with.

In an article in the New York Times, Why Is It So Hard for Men to Make Close Friends? , the scarcity of close male friendships was highlighted by the following statistics:

In a 2021 survey of more than 2,000 adults in the United States, less than half of the men said they were truly satisfied with how many friends they had, while 15 percent said they had no close friends at all — a fivefold increase since 1990. That same survey found that men were less likely than women to rely on their friends for emotional support or to share their personal feelings with them.

As an example of this scarcity of male friendships, I met a guy named John at the dog park and the curious coach in me asked him, “Do you have any close guy friends in Boulder?” He said no. Then I asked John how long he had lived in Boulder and he said, “Ten years.”

My heart felt heavy for John. In the past ten years since moving to Colorado from New York, he hadn’t met one close guy friend.

What I’ve learned working with men in the corporate world, coaching men, growing up with a dad and a brother, and interacting with men socially is this: men need another men.

While female therapists, coaches, partners, friends, and wives can offer support, they can’t fill the role of men.

We, as females, don’t know what it’s like to feel pressure to fit the traditional male stereotype of the alpha male who can’t express vulnerability for fear of being judged or ridiculed. We may not fully understand the pressures to excel at work, especially as the sole income provider for the family. We can’t fully relate to a man who lacked a father figure and had to navigate “what it means to be a man” all on their own. We don’t know what it’s like to be told by a father, dealing with his own childhood wounds and social conditioning, to stop crying because, “boys don’t cry.”

This is why men need other men. They need a male support system to understand their lived experiences and offer empathy by holding space and saying, “I hear you. I understand you. I know what it’s like being you.”

So, what is preventing men from connecting with other men?

According to Daniel Ellenberg, PhD, who is a therapist, coach, and founder of Strength with Heart , men desire intimacy with other men but it requires them to override their internal operating system:

The male operating system is learning that vulnerability is a bad thing, that you’re leaving yourself open to attack. There’s a kind of wariness, based on the need to always be oriented toward threat. We’re much more likely to mistake a stick for a snake than a snake for a stick. That hurts a man’s ability to foster intimacy through vulnerable self-disclosure — something key to fostering closeness in friendships,” says Daniel Ellenberg in the article Why Friendships Among Men Are So Important.

This insight from Daniel Ellenberg makes me wonder how many men “armor up” and are terrified about letting their guards down emotionally?

Depending on a man’s past experience of showing emotion or being vulnerable, either with a fellow male or even a female, they may decide it isn’t safe to let their guards down.

So, what are ways men can find support, community, and acceptance with other men?

Join a men’s group such as The Mankind Project (MKP),a global brotherhood of nonprofit/charitable organizations that conduct challenging and highly rewarding programs for men at every stage of life.

A male family member has been part of MKP for 20+ years and has recommended this group to many other men, especially those struggling to establish close friendships with other men.

This family member is currently mentoring a man in his 30s who was incarcerated in his 20s for drug possession and is now raising a son on his own. This man is thriving both personally and professionally, likely because he had role models and support from MKP when he was released from prison.

Listen to podcasts hosted by men who are represent healthy models of masculinity. These are men who are vulnerable and realize the importance of honoring both their yin (feminine) and yang (masculine) energy. These are also men who are committed to their inner work and openly discuss what they are doing to become better men. Finally, these are men who value and respect women.

Some of my favorite podcasts are hosted by men who fit the profile of “healthy” masculinity: Dr. Mark Hyman , Lewis Howes , Rich Roll , Tim Ferriss .

All of these men have been open about different challenges they have faced in their lives, from alcoholism (Rich Roll), to chronic illness and divorce (Dr. Mark Hyman), to experiencing sexual abuse (Lewis Howes and Tim Ferriss).

I think the vulnerability shared in these podcasts gives other men permission to openly share adversity they have faced in their lives and feel less ashamed (e.g., if they also suffered abuse as a young boy).

As Brené Brown says about shame:

If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.

When men openly talk about issues that have historically been taboo for men to discuss, the empathy offered from other men (and women!) helps to eradicate, or at least diminish shame.

Seek out male role models or mentors you would like to learn from. Whether you would like guidance on your career, relationships, or fatherhood, it’s important to identify other males who you see as excelling in these areas. What is key however is to truly respect these men and feel they represent examples of balanced men (vs. a male who may crush it in business but notoriously leaves dead bodies in his wake).

Finally……

The reason I am personally committed and passionate about both understanding and supporting men is because I think our world is in dire need of “balanced” men. Each man will need to ponder what it means to be balanced, taking into account their unique personality, values, and how they want to show up in the world.

When I consider what it means to be a balanced human in general, I think about someone who strives to be open-minded and curious versus someone who is extremely rigid in their thinking and dogmatic. I think about someone who, regardless if they lead with facts or emotions, they strive to connect their head and heart. I think about someone who exerts effort to be healthy on all levels: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Finally, I think being a balanced human is someone who strives to serve others instead of serving their own ego.

Colleen Canney is a career and leadership coach based in Colorado. She works 1:1 with clients, especially men, who are keen on transforming the way they live, lead, and work. For more information on Colleen’s coaching services, please visit: www.colleencanney.com .