Supporting our young people on their mental health journey

Who are these tips for?

These tips are food for thought whether you’re the carer/parent, a friend or colleague supporting a young person, or anyone spreading vital messages around mental health (including Mental Health First Aiders, trainers etc).

Some are even relevant if you’re supporting adults too and this content comes with the seal of approval from several teenagers and young mental health advocates, always a bonus!

I'm UK based but have left in a few Oz resources from the two years I spent there, partly for my Aussie followers and because some can be relevant wherever you are.

The teenager dynamic

Supporting a teenager with a mental health issue comes with particular challenges, how do you get the balance right in terms of setting boundaries, allowing freedom and knowing when to intervene?

Not surprisingly there are no easy answers.?Challenge yourself, is the behaviour on the scale of ‘normal’ teenager stuff?

A useful book to help you come to terms with the changes is?Teenagers ! by Rob Parsons, though with so many cultural shifts since it was written there's plenty more layers to navigate.

The important aspect to come to terms with is that having your values and authority challenged is part of the package when you have teenagers

You just didn't consciously sign up to it at the 'pink and fluffy' stage ??

And obviously mental health issues, not to mention narratives and behaviours promoted during the pandemic, add to the complexity!

For any extreme behaviours such as addiction and uncontrolled anger, see what you think of the “f*ck parenthood” chapter in the book?F*ck Feelings ?by Micheal Bennett and his daughter Sarah. It’s “One shrink’s practical advice for managing all life’s impossible problems” and at the heart of it lies acceptance, and that all important reminder to recognise what’s in our control and what isn’t.

I share plenty of practical support later too, so keep this as a resource to refer back to.

It’s a journey

Any carer/parent will go on their own journey coming to terms with the mental health issues that their son or daughter is experiencing. This might be a parent’s first experience of the mental health world and what support is, and isn’t, available.

Navigating pathways to find your teenager appropriate help is hard enough for the carer, and then getting your head around something like self-harm really challenges your own primal reactions to protect against danger.

Self-harm, in itself, is not classified as a mental health condition, but an expression and a way of coping with deep distress and emotions

It is often associated with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and disordered eating. While it may seem counter-intuitive it is very often the individuals way of coping and staying alive. Check out the factsheets at the specialist website?Harmless ?the apps?distrACT ?and?Calm Harm ?which are NHS approved.

Being non-judgemental is put to the test!

In a professional role we might be able to rationalise the need for a non-judgemental attitude, but self-harm which might include self-medication with alcohol/drugs and other ways of coping can be particularly hard to tolerate as a form of expression.

Our natural reaction is to actively prevent these dangers so imagine regularly finding blades in your teenager’s bedroom, terryfying! But many mental health issues are driven by a need to feel in control, so it’s really important, though of course challenging, to take a step back from the situation before acting.

A helpful way for a carer to address this might be to say something like:

I notice you had xxx in your room, do you need support options to stay safe?

When assessing any situation, include a quick assessment

Include a quick assessment of your own reaction and try not to jump to conclusions, you’ll see danger everywhere, believe me!

Rob Parson’s in his book?Teenagers ?has a great example of a parent taking a pill, that he suspected to be an illegal drug, to the chemist’s for analysis. You guessed, it turned out to be a mint!

However, if on assessment of the best available information you’re still concerned, and perhaps after talking to someone you trust less emotionally involved, go with your gut and take action.

Arm yourself with expert advice

UK charity?Papyrus ?has fantastic information and support aimed at preventing young suicide and harm.

For a parents guide, go to their Help and Advice & I'm worried about someone section.

Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services

Me mentioning CAMHS may bring up a range of reactions (some unprintable!) due to services being at breaking point and the threshold to get a referral via your GP frighteningly high.

Young Minds have a useful Guide to CAMHS .

Don't just wait or expect they will have all the answers, explore a range of options including peer support.

It’s too painful a road to travel alone when there are people trained to help in such situations - Papyrus

Setting boundaries and still allowing freedom in the face of danger

As parents the natural reaction is to give advice, fix things, and sometimes lay down the law as we can see the potential consequences of a course of action a mile off!

It is also natural to be on high alert and not want to let them out of your sight after experiencing the ultimate danger of, say, an overdose attempt.

Below are a range of support options for both the carer and young person.

In the UK, Young Minds has all the key topics you'd expect including Feelings and symptoms section and Medications. Student Minds have all sorts of support and resources including transitioning to sixth-form and university.

In Australia Headspace offers phone/online support and local centres for Young people (12 - 25 years)?Reachout ?has a range of resources and discussion forums for young people, parents and schools, including bullying, mental fitness, balancing trust and freedom with your teenager and encouraging positive online behaviour.

I highly recommend parents explore these young people friendly resources too.

Apps

Young people are often way more savvy in this department than their parents.

In the UK check out CAMHS apps and resources suitable for young people

There's probably far too much choice in this area so Australia's Reach Out's?Work out your goals ?quiz to help you decide on apps is handy though of course not all apps are available internationally.

Staying safe online and managing technology

This can feel like a minefield, and I'd say many of us, whether parents or not, need to educate ourselves. A good place to start is?Get Safe Online , they have specific advice regarding children and?Over 13s

Ask yourself how you personally manage technology, can you enjoy a meal, go for a walk or even go to the toilet without looking at your phone?! There's being available because we're the main caregiver or we may be 'on call' for work, but have we still need to put boundaries in place.

Are we unnecessarily checking our phones, just because we like being 'liked' and validated?

The only way we've got a fighting chance in setting boundaries for our young people is if we role model. I don't need to break up with my phone but I often need a courageous conversation with it ??. For some tips, check out the book How to break up with your phone

You've probably heard about how social media algorithms of Facebook and Instagram have bombard vulnerable people with images of self harm and suicide with tragic consequences.

In the UK the?Mix ?'provides Essential support' for Under 25s and has the latest information on this topic:?Facebook, Instagram, self-harm and suicide.

In Australia 'Kids Helpline' charity has advice on how to?stay safe online ?and explains?cyberbullying.

Support is still all about listening and timing

A teenager who is open and talkative with their parents is probably not the norm!

Our most powerful tool is to find informal opportunities to engage and then just listen

Mealtime might seem like one of those rare opportunities, but what if they have an eating disorder, that will just add to the pressure! MIND have specific eating disorder tips on?for a friend or family member, ?and so do?BEAT , the Eating disorder charity.

Casually making conversation in the car could work better, after all, hopefully they’re grateful they haven’t had to catch a train and walk home in the rain.

Pick your time of day, teenagers live in a different time zone and first thing in the morning is unlikely to elicit intelligent conversation.

Nobodies perfect!

If you feel feel your reaction to a particular event/conversation wasn’t as helpful as it could have been, notice that you feel this way and move on. Sometimes there are no simple right or wrong responses or answers, people are doing the best they can in usually complex and messy situations.

Seek your own support

Talking to non-judgemental friend who listens to the eclectic stories and teenage shenanigans with compassion, can be a life-saver. Someone who shares your sense of humour can make all the difference, comedy and tragedy are often close companions.

Even if you don't feel you deserve an official carer label (you imagine that only applies to those looking after someone with physical disabilities and your teenager is out and about loads) you still have valid needs.

Explore the UK?carers ?charity for support and learn about formal carer groups.

Sane Australia has specific?carer information ?if you're supporting someone with mental illness.

Young Minds offers a?UK Parentline ?and?Australian Parentline ?is part of Kidsline.

Self-care

A carer frequently puts their own needs last, there may be feelings of guilt to wrestle with, but who does that help?

Remember the emergency advice on a plane:

Fit your own oxygen mask first before assisting someone else

What helps you, the carer, relax and feel good?

By re-focusing on your own needs it can reduce the anxiety and frustration that can emerge when trying to control a situation outside of your control.

Acknowledge the immensity of the emotional energy required in a carer situation, and give yourself special permission to say no to some social events and choose to only hang around those people you have the energy for (and who don't only boast about their offspring's achievements! ??).

But equally don’t isolate yourself.

Everyone carer is different

Parents and care-givers may process and handle the shared mental-health situation very differently.

One parent may live and breathe it every living moment. They may define how they are feeling in terms of how they think the family member with mental health issues is doing, with each drama played out in painful detail.

The other parent may compartmentalise the behaviour and feel less inclination to talk about it.

Some acceptance of different coping strategies is useful and this applies to any carer relationship.

The next chapter - away from home?

What happens when they maybe want to travel 'gap year' style or leave home for university?

Student MINDS in the UK have a great range of?topics ?like transitioning from sixth form to uni life, A year abroad, Student finance, LGBTQ, Exam stress and so on. They have two excellent guides?Know before you Go ?and?Transitions ?and get reading yourself, I promise you'll learn loads wherever you're based!

Headspace in Australia has some blogs on?big transitions ?and living independently.

Once at university?if they need support due to mental health issues, but haven’t told you, it’s unlikely that the university will contact due to confidentiality issues, even if the situation is severe.

Frightening isn’t it?!

Have a discussion with your son or daughter before they go, and talk through options.

Having listened to the informative radio podcast?Should parents know what is happening at university? I like the flexible approach of York university which acknowledges students’ vulnerability, particularly in their transition first year. They reviewed all their policies after a spate of suicides to create an ‘opt in’ system. This gives student the option to provide a named adult at the beginning of each year that can be contacted/given information, in the event of serious concerns. The student doesn’t have to choose a parent, they can opt out at any time and ultimately the decision is theirs.

Are you the friend or colleague the carer is turning to?

To be truly supportive, be the one who really listens. Many of us naturally treat listening like crossing the road, we’re just waiting for gaps to jump in and share our experiences. Think WAIT – Why Am I Talking? It’s a really helpful way to check if what you’re saying is necessary, or if a silence or clarification or open question would be more appropriate, to allow them to continue sharing.

Recovery and hope

It may well be a rollercoaster ride but recovery is possible, and likely. For some it’s a life-long journey managing symptoms, for others there may be no further episodes of mental illness, or it could be a mixture with periods of respite and some reoccurrence of issues. The only certainty is that it’s a deeply personal journey.

Learning to overcome challenges with the patience and support of those around them and recognising their own resources will help develop the young person’s life skills. We must do all we can to allow hope to flourish, but nobody is claiming it will be easy!

Firstly, it's most important to recognise that throughout recovery you will have times in which you feel like you are pretty much back at step one, this is normal and sometimes necessary in order to challenge the progress you've made, and putting it into action...The second most important thing about recovery is to not compare yourself to others... Don't be afraid to move on from certain styles of therapy and therapists because at the end of the day it's your recovery.? 19 year-old

This 3 minute?video ?about Chris who recovers from a spell in hospital after episodes of psychosis, linked with treatment and recovery from a sporting injury, is a wonderful way to understand how we need to overcome stigma and that there is hope.

Like to learn more about surviving the teenage years and other resources?

Have a read of my article?Surviving teenagers? It’s a great opportunity to build leadership skills! ?It’s a chance to remind yourself you’re learning some great life and leadership lessons along the bumpy road, with or without mental health issues. My other articles including?Support and where to find it ?have a wealth of resources.

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