Supporting Aging Parents: Balancing Guilt, Assisted Living, and Estate Matters

Many of us are balancing the caregiving of children and our aging parents. I have experienced this over the past few years.

This newsletter aims to offer valuable tips for individuals considering moving aging parents into an assisted living center, addresses feelings of guilt associated with not being available, and outlines the essential steps to take when handling a parent's estate after their passing that were helpful to me.

Moving Aging Parents into an Assisted Living Center: 11 Tips to Consider

1. Open Communication: Have open and honest conversations with your parents about their needs and preferences.
2. Listen: Spend time listening to their stories and experiences. Their things matter during this time, so allow them time to touch, sort, and read their letters. My dad and mom saved hundreds of their love letters and cards from 1956 - 2023. Mom has thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone.
3. Visit Potential Facilities: Tour different assisted living centers to find one that aligns with your parent's preferences and requirements.
4. Involve Your Parents in Decision-Making: Empower your parents to have a say in the selection process.
5. Plan for Emotional Transitions: Understand that the move can be emotionally challenging for both you and your parents.
6. Seek Professional Advice: Consult with healthcare providers, social workers, and eldercare experts for guidance and support.
7. Foster a Sense of Belonging: Encourage your parents to engage in activities and form connections within the new community.
8. Maintain Regular Contact: Stay in touch with your parents to show your ongoing support and care.
9. Address Feelings of Guilt: Recognize that seeking professional care for your parents is a responsible and loving decision.
10. Seek Your Own Support System: Connect with friends, family, or support groups to share your feelings and experiences.
11. Embrace Quality Time Together: Cherish the moments you have with your parents, and focus on making them meaningful and positive.

Dealing with Guilt about Not Being Available for Aging Parents:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize that feeling guilty is a common emotion in such situations.
2. Seek Professional Guidance: Speak with a counselor or therapist who specializes in caregiver support.
3. Focus on Quality Over Quantity: Make the most of the time you do have with your parents by being present and engaged.
4. Communicate Honestly: Keep the lines of communication open with your parents about your availability and limitations.
5. Delegate Responsibilities: Enlist the help of other family members or professional caregivers to ensure your parents' needs are met.

Top 11 Essential Steps for Handling a Parent's Estate:

1. Seek Legal and Financial Advice: Consult with professionals to ensure all legal and financial matters are handled appropriately. Meet with your family attorney, your CPA, and financial planners to confirm the next steps and gain their advice.
2. File for Probate if Necessary: If required, file for probate to validate the will and oversee the distribution of assets.
3. Secure Important Documents: Gather legal documents such as wills, trusts, passwords for accounts, and insurance policies.
4. Notify Relevant Parties: Inform banks, government agencies, including the Social Security Office of address changes (they notify Medicare/Medicaid), and other relevant organizations of your parent's passing.
5. Identify and Value Assets: Take an inventory of your parent's assets and have them appraised if necessary. When I handled my Aunt's estate in Salt Lake City I asked her attorney what was the one thing that I should do immediately. She said, "Get the car in my name and get new insurance now." She said she'd seen too many cases where a relative came for the funeral, had too much to drink, and took the deceased car and crashed it. I immediately retitled my Aunt's car and got new insurance.
6. Settle Debts and Expenses: Pay outstanding bills, debts, and funeral expenses from the estate.
7. Distribute Assets According to Will or Law: Follow legal procedures for distributing assets among beneficiaries.
8. Address Tax Obligations: Determine and settle any outstanding tax liabilities of the estate.
9. Close Accounts and Cancel Services: Close bank accounts, auto bill pays/ACHs, cancel subscriptions, including cable, internet, phone, etc. (this can be the biggest hassle since the deceased name was probably the only name on the account, notify relevant service providers, and turn in all cable boxes, remotes, etc.
10. Transfer Property Titles: Complete the necessary paperwork to transfer ownership of real estate and other properties.
11. Communicate with Siblings and Parties: Make sure to have a consistent and transparent communications strategy and plan to keep all siblings up to date on the progress of the estate. I have 4 brothers and as the executor, I over-communicate. In my last newsletter to them I wrote a P.s. “Guys - if anyone talks behind my back, bitches, or thinks that they can do this better then I welcome you to take over all of the executor work! The 10 legal boxes of paperwork are on my dining room table.” No takers.

I hope that you have found these tips valuable for those navigating the complex emotional and practical aspects of moving aging parents into an assisted living center and handling their estate after their passing.

I'm happy to visit with you about your stories if you need to talk. I would be happy to share any advice and lessons to help make your life easier during this difficult time. Sometimes it's important to talk to someone who has been there.

Blessings and joy to you and your loved ones,

Anne

?