Support and Silence: How to Be There for Someone During Difficult Times

The inspiration for this article came from a deeply moving post by one of my esteemed educators, Margaret Takeda . She recently shared her journey of loss and resilience on LinkedIn, revealing how she navigated the immense grief of losing her husband and sister within a short period. Her candid reflection on the support and the importance of privacy during such challenging times deeply resonated with me. This prompted me to explore the best ways we can truly support those going through similar hardships. In the face of life's inevitable hardships, such as loss and grief, our approach to supporting loved ones can make a significant difference. This article explores what experts have to say about the best ways to support someone during difficult times and highlights the most effective approaches for different scenarios.

The Power of Presence

Being physically present for someone who is grieving or experiencing a loss can provide immense comfort. Dr Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counsellor, emphasises the importance of simply "showing up" (Wolfelt, 2004). Sometimes, the act of being there, without the need to offer solutions or words, can be profoundly supportive. This presence can communicate care and solidarity in a way that words cannot.

Consider the story of Sarah, who lost her mother unexpectedly. Her friend Jane, without saying much, visited her every day. Jane's presence provided Sarah with a sense of normalcy and an unspoken assurance that she was not alone. This form of silent support allowed Sarah to grieve without feeling pressured to articulate her feelings or entertain her friend.

Best Approach:

• For Immediate Support: Be physically present if possible. Offer a hug, a touch, or just your silent companionship. Your presence can be a powerful source of comfort.

Dr Wolfelt suggests that in the initial stages of grief, simple acts like helping with daily tasks or sitting quietly together can be more supportive than trying to find the right words. The mere act of being there shows that you care and are willing to share their pain.

Emotional Availability

Emotional availability means being open to listening and understanding without judgement. Dr Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability and empathy, highlights the importance of creating a space where people feel safe to express their feelings (Brown, 2012). Being emotionally available involves active listening, validating their emotions, and offering empathy.

Best Approach:

• For Emotional Expression: Listen actively and validate their feelings. Avoid giving unsolicited advice or trying to fix their problems. Instead, show that you understand and care.

A key component of emotional availability is active listening. This means fully concentrating on what the other person is saying, understanding their message, responding thoughtfully, and remembering what was said. It’s about being present and engaged in the conversation, rather than thinking about how you will respond next.

For instance, if someone says, "I feel like my world has ended," a supportive response would be, "That sounds incredibly painful. I can’t imagine what you're going through, but I'm here for you." This validates their feelings without trying to diminish their pain or offer premature solutions.

Dr Brown notes that phrases like "I understand" or "I know how you feel" can sometimes feel dismissive. Instead, she advocates for empathy-driven responses such as "I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you in any way you need."

The Strength in Silence

Sometimes, the best way to support someone is through silence. Psychologist Dr Guy Winch points out that silence can be a form of profound support (Winch, 2017). When words fall short, simply sitting in silence with someone can offer a sense of companionship and solidarity. This silence can provide a safe space for the grieving person to process their emotions without pressure.

Best Approach:

• For Processing Emotions: Offer silent companionship. Sit with them, hold their hand, or simply be nearby. Your quiet presence can speak volumes.

Consider the story of Tom, who lost his brother in a car accident. His friend Mark would visit him regularly, and they would sit together without speaking. Mark's silent presence allowed Tom to grieve at his own pace, without feeling the need to engage in conversation. This form of support respected Tom's need for silence and gave him the space to process his grief.

Dr Winch explains that silence can be particularly powerful in moments of intense grief, where words often fall short. It allows the grieving person to feel your presence without the pressure of conversation. This kind of support can be a testament to your willingness to share in their pain without needing to understand or articulate it.

The Importance of Empathy and Validation

Dr. David Kessler, a grief expert and co-author with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross of the iconic book On Grief and Grieving, emphasizes the significance of empathy and validation in supporting the bereaved (Kessler & Kübler-Ross, 2005). He states that acknowledging the pain and allowing the person to express their grief without judgment is crucial. Empathy helps in understanding the depth of their loss and offers them a safe space to mourn.

Best Approach:

• For Empathetic Support: Use empathetic language and avoid clichés. Say things like, "I’m here for you," or "Your feelings are valid."

Dr. Kessler suggests avoiding phrases that might seem dismissive or minimizing, such as "They’re in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason." Instead, offering a simple "I’m so sorry for your loss" or "I’m here if you need to talk" can be much more comforting.

Practical Support

Author and grief expert Megan Devine, in her book It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, discusses the importance of practical support in the wake of a loss (Devine, 2017). She notes that while emotional support is essential, practical help with everyday tasks can significantly relieve the burden on the grieving person.

Best Approach:

• For Practical Assistance: Offer to help with daily chores, such as cooking, cleaning, or running errands. This can alleviate stress and allow the grieving person to focus on their emotional healing.

Devine also emphasizes the importance of offering specific help rather than a general "Let me know if you need anything." Specific offers, such as "Can I bring you dinner tonight?" or "I’m going to the store, can I pick up some groceries for you?" are more likely to be accepted and appreciated.

Expert Insights on Support

1. Dr Alan Wolfelt: Emphasises the importance of presence. Showing up and being there can be more meaningful than words (Wolfelt, 2004).
2. Dr Brené Brown: Advocates for emotional availability and empathy. Creating a safe space for emotional expression is crucial (Brown, 2012).
3. Dr Guy Winch: Highlights the power of silence. Sometimes, silent companionship is the best form of support (Winch, 2017).
4. Dr David Kessler: Stresses the significance of empathy and validation. Acknowledging the pain and allowing for expression without judgment is vital (Kessler & Kübler-Ross, 2005).
5. Megan Devine: Emphasizes the importance of practical support. Offering specific, tangible help can significantly relieve the burden on the grieving person (Devine, 2017).

Dr Wolfelt stresses that grief is a highly individual process, and there is no "one size fits all" approach to supporting someone through it. The key is to be adaptable and responsive to the needs of the grieving person, whether that means providing a shoulder to cry on or simply being a quiet presence.

Different Scenarios and Best Approaches

1. Immediate Loss: When someone has just experienced a loss, physical presence and silent support are often most appreciated. In the immediate aftermath of a loss, the bereaved may be in a state of shock and numbness. During this time, practical support can be incredibly valuable. Offering to handle day-to-day tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing arrangements can provide relief from logistical burdens. Physical presence, without the pressure to engage in conversation, can offer significant comfort. For example, sitting with someone during the funeral planning process, or simply being in the same room while they rest, can convey support and solidarity.
2. Ongoing Grief: For someone who is grieving over a longer period, being emotionally available and checking in regularly can provide ongoing support. Grief doesn't have a set timeline, and it can ebb and flow over time. Regular check-ins can help the bereaved feel remembered and supported beyond the initial stages of loss. These check-ins don’t have to be elaborate; a simple message or call to say "I’m thinking of you" can mean a lot. Emotional availability over time can help the grieving person process their emotions and feel less isolated. Encouraging them to talk about their loved one, sharing memories, or simply listening to their thoughts and feelings can be deeply comforting.
3. Seeking Comfort: If the person seeks comfort, offering to listen and validate their feelings can be highly supportive. When someone is ready to talk about their loss, providing a non-judgmental space to share their feelings is crucial. This involves active listening, where the focus is on understanding and validating their experience, rather than offering solutions or advice. Encouraging them to express their emotions, whether through talking, writing, or other creative outlets, can help in processing grief. Statements like "It's okay to feel this way" or "Your feelings are completely valid" can offer reassurance and support.
4. Needing Space: Respect their need for space if they prefer to grieve privately. Let them know you are there whenever they need. Some individuals may prefer solitude or may not be ready to talk about their grief. Respecting their need for space and privacy is essential. This doesn’t mean withdrawing support but rather letting them know you’re available when they’re ready. A simple message or note to say, "I’m here for you whenever you need me" can provide reassurance without imposing on their need for solitude. Checking in occasionally, without pressing for conversation, can also show that you care and are thinking of them.

Conclusion

Supporting someone through difficult times such as loss and grief requires a delicate balance of presence, emotional availability, and silence. Experts like Dr Alan Wolfelt, Dr Brené Brown, Dr Guy Winch, Dr David Kessler, and Megan Devine provide valuable insights into the best ways to offer this support. By being present, emotionally available, and respecting their need for space, we can provide the compassionate support that those grieving truly need.

In moments of profound loss, our presence, empathy, and understanding can make a world of difference. Let's strive to be the pillars of support that our loved ones need during their most challenging times.

References

• Wolfelt, A. (2004). The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing. Companion Press.
• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.
• Winch, G. (2017). How to Fix a Broken Heart. TED Books.
• Kessler, D., & Kübler-Ross, E. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
• Devine, M. (2017). It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. Sounds True.

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