Supplementing Grief with Gratitude

When you think of someone “grieving,” you probably picture someone mourning after the death of a loved one. And this is certainly a challenging and heartbreaking experience. But have you ever thought about how much we all “grieve” on a regular basis?

A somewhat silly example: earlier this year, my family and I went on a trip to Belize. We had a wonderful time, and on the last day, I was in full-on “sad girl” mode because I didn’t want to leave. I went for a solo walk and sat by the beach to process this: “I’m in Belize; I shouldn’t waste my time being sad! I am grieving something that I haven’t even lost,?and I?need to get over this sadness; this is such a ‘first world problem’ to even be sad about.”?

After processing this sadness, I had a breakthrough and realized the following:

1. It is important to name the feeling
2. The only way to get through a feeling is to feel it. Sit with grief. Even if you think it is a silly thing to grieve over
3. Multiple feelings can be true at once, even if they seem contradictory
4. Gratitude practices can help lessen the intensity of grief

In this example, I spent the rest of the day telling myself, “I’m grieving leaving this wonderful experience, but the reason I’m sad is that I had such a wonderful time - I’m grateful to have loved this experience so much that I’m sad to leave.”

Since then, I’ve been practicing this every time I feel a tinge of “grief” (whether a “first-world problem” or actual big/difficult heartbreaks), and I’ve found it quite helpful. This does NOT mean diminishing our feelings, bottling up our grief, or gaslighting ourselves. This is also not meant to take the place of therapy. However, in many contexts, grief can be extremely difficult to navigate, and it can be helpful to have multiple tools in our toolbelt. I’ve found that “supplementing grief with gratitude” is helpful when I am in the moment and don’t have access to any other tools. Some examples:?

• If this is your first holiday season since a loved one passed away, it is valid to wish you had more holidays with them and be heartbroken over the empty chair, but it can be helpful to reflect in gratitude on all the wonderful years you had together and how much this person added to your life.
• If your candidate did not win the election, it is valid to wish the outcome was different and be scared for what’s next, but it can be helpful to reflect in gratitude on all the people who campaigned for the things you care about
• If you can’t make it home for the holidays, it is valid to be sad about missing out on traditions and a sense of familiarity, but it can be helpful to reflect in gratitude on all the wonderful years past and maybe even be grateful for new traditions that are forming.
• If you didn’t get that job you were really hoping for, it is valid to feel disappointed or frustrated, but it can be helpful to think about what you learned about yourself in the process and be grateful for your continued growth.
• If you aren’t able to give your family the “ideal holiday,” whether due to logistics, financial hardship, or some other reason, it is okay to grieve over not being able to create a specific vision for the holiday season. But it can be helpful to combat this by practicing gratitude for your loved ones' resilience, open-mindedness, and understanding.

Grief is a complex emotion. But reframing in gratitude, along with practicing self-care, communicating with loved ones, journaling, attending therapy, and more, can help us navigate the journey.

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