Superwoman vs. Martyr

Su·per·wom·an

/?so?op?r?wo?om?n/

Noun

a woman with exceptional strength or ability, especially one who successfully manages a home, brings up children, and has a full-time job.

How many times in my life have I heard this phrase ..”Churni is a superwoman” .. ooh it sounded so awesome! The best possible compliment, the most amazing praise, attaining the unattainable. She can do anything, solve all the problems, be the one taking care of everything and everyone, raise a child, manage a career, always with a big smile on her face …

And then I got older and hopefully a little wiser. I started realizing that someone saying I am a superwoman is anything but a compliment.?

Whoa, now, hold on!?

Not the first, but the second wave of feminism came to America in the 1960’s. Our children have the coolest grandmothers, no matter how much you hate your mother or mother-in-law! They fundamentally changed the social roles of women. So, in 2023, why is it not so cool to be called a “superwoman”?

What do people really mean when they say someone is a superwoman?

Here are my hypotheses:

• She is smart, independent and super capable
• She has got it all figured out
• It is OK to lean on her?
• AND the most damaging one … she does not need any help!

So, there is no need to worry about piling stuff on her plate. She will get it all done…. somehow.?

Sadly, the plate gets full, over-full actually. There is absolutely no breathing room. And, there is rarely anybody who can or will help.?

Who can help her? She is so good at what she does, it is hard to find someone who can help effectively, so instead she does it all herself. Guilty as charged. I had knee surgery and my husband suggested that we use the wash and fold service instead of doing laundry. And then, my husband found me, sitting on the bed, refolding the clothes because I did not like how they were folded, even after I paid the folks who professionally wash and fold clothes!!

Who will help her? Sadly, everyone expects her to do it all, or is actually too intimidated to try to help. So, she ends up not having anyone to help.? Again, I have the same issue. My husband and son will think twice, three, four, five times before helping me because I am intimidating and they feel no matter what they do, it may not be good enough!

Time goes on … and age starts to catch up. The body does not always cooperate … the smile starts to fade. Superwoman does not seem all that super anymore.

Martyr

noun

mar·tyr ?m?r-t?r?

Synonyms of martyr

• a person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion

• a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle. a martyr to the cause of freedom

• VICTIM ? especially? : a great or constant sufferer a martyr to asthma all his life?

Oh boy. This definition is very dark. Victim, ME???? Not a chance in hell, right?

Or is it?

A person who sacrifices life itself … ouch, this cuts way too deep!?

I did a mental exercise at work, not too long ago. What is my agenda?

Here is what I came up with:

• Family
• My team
• Flawless execution of the business strategy ….

And, I realized that I forgot to include MYSELF in the list.

Let’s start at the very beginning

I grew up in India in a middle class neighborhood. Men worked and earned money and women did everything else. They cooked, cleaned, took care of everyone in the family. When money got tight, they fed the men first, then the kids and routinely deprived themselves.

When they grew old, there were some expectations that their children would look after them. Sometimes it happened, sometimes it did not. The women in the family were expected to sacrifice themselves for their family, always putting themselves last.?

Sounds like a martyr, doesn’t it?

The young me swore to myself that I would never do what I saw these women do. I will live my own life on my own terms.

The making of a superwoman

Life has been amazing for me. I am one of the most fortunate people among all. My cup truly runneth over. I have had my amazing adventures and incredible experiences, both personally and professionally. I lived and worked in different continents, my career flourished, and I also have been blessed with an awesome family.?

Am I capable? Absolutely. Have I been routinely chosen, both personally and professionally to solve the gnarliest problems? All the time. Do I absolutely love that I can take care of people and people feel that they can depend on me and can lean on me? You got it!

A true superwoman, right? Why then am I complaining that it is not a compliment?

Learning to ask for help before you become a martyr

I have realized that the biggest issue I have is my inability to ask for help. In my younger age, I felt that asking for help is a show of weakness. Sounds familiar? Because, professionally, you have no idea how many women I have dealt with who suffer from this one issue … they cannot ask for help because they feel that it will make them look incompetent, weak, or less capable.?

Oh, there is another good one … Not only that I could not ask for help, I had a serious problem saying NO.?

In my career, among all the people I led or mentored, women typically over-prepare, over-work, and … have the biggest problem saying NO.?

Why is this?

Looking into my own journey

When I was young, I wanted to play the same game as everyone else was playing, I just wanted to play it better than everyone else. So, I always worked hardest, was prepared the most, never asked for help ….. and I could not say NO.?

The true turning point of my life happened after my son was born. It was a rather interesting time, with no family around me, a newborn baby, a husband battling ill health. It seemed that the weight of the world was on my shoulders.?

What did it mean to be a superwoman … super-career, super-mom, super-wife, super-friend??

One day, a friend asked for help and as usual, I could not say no. My husband said something very interesting … “you don’t have unlimited resources, and when you say yes to everything and everybody, then you are stealing from your own family”!

Wow, that sounded so harsh, but that also was my wake-up call. I was saying yes to everyone, and I had no help! What was I becoming? “A person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself “

I was becoming exactly what I swore I would never become. There was essentially no difference between the women I saw growing up in India and me! I was becoming a martyr!

Ditch being a superwoman, just be awesome

I had some really hard conversations with myself. Super-career, super-mom, super-wife, super-friend … NOPE. I did not want to become any of these. I just wanted to become the best version of ME!

What are the main things I needed to change?

• Set my boundaries - Be explicit about what I will or will not do. You have no idea how important it is to have honest conversations regarding boundaries, personally and professionally.
• Learn to say NO - along with setting boundaries, I learned to say no. I was not letting anyone down when I said no. I was being honest about my own capacity, nothing more.?
• Ask for help - even when it hurt my pride, I learned that I needed to ask for help.?

Does this make me a superwoman? Frankly, I couldn't care less!?

The leadership conversations

As I mentioned before, I am always mindful that a lot of highly capable women suffer from the same ailments as I did .. But in their endless effort of becoming a superwoman, they risk being a martyr instead.?

In certain cases, I have set up the “24-hour rule”. You have only 24 hours to try to figure out the solution for the problem at hand, just by yourself. After 24 hours, you have to ask for help. This not only helps my team of supermen and superwomen, it fosters collaboration and innovation.?

I cannot tell people enough times that good humans love to help. Asking for help is not a show of weakness, it is the biggest show of strength! First, the person you are seeking help feels really good and empowered. They feel respected! You actually end up helping someone by asking for help! How cool is that!

I tried to decorate our Christmas tree .. sadly my 4’11” body could not reach the top of our new taller tree, even with my step ladder. I needed help from my 6’1” husband, even if he may not have been the best tree decorator! I waited patiently for him to find time to help me. He finally did it and I can tell you that not just me, but he felt pretty awesome as well!?

So, to end this conversation, let’s look around us for all the supermen and superwomen and make sure we are making sure they don’t become martyrs!