The Sunday Stoic: On how to handle loaded questions

Imagine Alex calling Taylor to set up a meeting after a long time, and Taylor opens with, "Will you actually be on time today?" If Alex responds with “I’m usually on time” or “I will be on time today,” it only confirms Taylor’s underlying assumption—that Alex is often late—whether it’s true or not. This is a classic example of a loaded question, designed to force the other person into defending a position that might not even apply. Loaded questions like this are frustrating because they unfairly corner the other person. But once Alex recognizes a loaded question, it's easier to steer the conversation back on track.

Loaded questions are more common in daily conversations than we often realize. For example, when a parent asks their teenager, “Why are you always on your phone?” or someone says, “When are you going to start doing your part?” these questions imply negative assumptions—that you’re consistently distracted or not contributing—whether or not it's true. Socio-linguist Deborah Tannen explains that this kind of indirect communication is full of unspoken judgments. According to Tannen’s research, these types of loaded questions occur in up to 20-30% of conversations, and they can slow down collaboration.

What makes loaded questions so powerful? They work because they exploit our brain’s tendency for quick, automatic responses, a mental shortcut known as cognitive efficiency. Rather than pausing to think, we often react emotionally. For instance, if someone asks, “Why don’t you care about recycling?” we might immediately start listing everything we’ve recycled, including the number of aluminum cans and cardboard containers, trying to clear our name. This urge to defend ourselves, called self-justification, is natural but often backfires. The other person may notice gaps in our response, reinforcing their assumption through confirmation bias. As a result, the conversation becomes tense, leaving us frustrated.

How can we handle loaded questions? For example, with “Why don’t you care about recycling?” listing everything you’ve recycled only reinforces their assumption. A better approach is to reframe the conversation with something like, “I do care, but let’s talk about how we can recycle more effectively together,” or even, “I do care—maybe you can share what you do, and I might learn something new.” Such responses have few advantages: they diffuse tension, open up constructive conversation, and prevent the discussion from spiraling into an argument. By reframing the question, you shift the exchange into problem-solving mode. And who knows? You might even pick up a new recycling tip along the way!

Can philosophy help? It can offer us a clearer perspective on the bigger picture behind loaded questions. Stoicism, for example, provides guidance through the dichotomy of control: while we can’t control others’ biases or assumptions, we can control how we respond. Marcus Aurelius (121–180 CE) often reflected on the imperfect nature of human communication. In Meditations, he acknowledged that people will always form flawed assumptions because, as humans, we are prone to misunderstanding each other. Rather than being frustrated by this, he believed we should focus on how we respond. Similarly, Indic philosophy teaches Samata (equanimity)—staying calm when provoked—and Aparigraha (non-attachment), which reminds us not to be weighed down by others’ opinions. If a friend asks, “Are you actually going to get it done this time?” calmly replying, “Yes, as always,” helps you avoid unnecessary frustration and keeps you grounded in what you can control.

In conclusion, loaded questions can be tricky, but they don’t have to control the conversation. People—and their assumptions—are far from perfect, so the key is to recognize the hidden biases, call them out when necessary, and steer the conversation in a more productive direction. This helps keep things balanced and focused. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus (55–135 CE) wisely said, "It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." Now that you’ve learned about Samata (equanimity) and Aparigraha (non-attachment), are you still going to let loaded questions trip you up? See what I did there? That’s a loaded question! Hopefully, now you’ll spot them easily. Good luck, and enjoy navigating them in the week ahead.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this essay are mine alone and don’t represent those of any individuals, employers, or organizations I’m associated with. Studying Stoicism and other philosophies is a personal hobby that I pursue in my own time to improve my thinking. I’m not a professional writer or illustrator, so I’ve used some online tools, to help illustrate and express my thoughts more clearly. My goal is simply to share ideas, not to impress. I don’t claim to be more knowledgeable than others—we’re all figuring things out on our own. If you have thoughts on how Stoicism applies to everyday life, I’d love to hear from you via LinkedIn. If you found this essay useful, feel free to share it with others.