Reflections on trust and communication

And then I realised, she can’t hear me because she doesn’t like me…

I had been in meeting after meeting with the same colleague. For many reasons over many years, this person and I had a strained working relationship. All the details aren’t necessary, and they aren’t all mine to share anyway. But in my ignorance, I thought that we could work together and keep things, as they say “professional.” I soon realised that I was wrong. When I spoke, she spoke over me. If she wasn’t doing that, she was focusing on other tasks. And when I was through speaking, to my bewilderment she would ask questions that I had already answered. My first instinct was to take offense. Which I did. I convinced myself that she just wasn’t paying attention to be petty. But it was more embarrassing to her for everyone to know that she was missing big chunks of the conversation and so it could not have been that (if it were, God save us all). And then one day, as I spoke, I watched her avert her gaze and said to myself, it’s as if she cannot hear me!

So why am I saying any of this now? Well…the world is dealing with a pandemic that is proving why good communication is important. We are literally living through a time when messages are the difference between life and death. Like you, I have been observing the efforts of governments, businesses and other authorities to communicate. I am a communicator as well and have been doing some of this work also. In the last month I have heard the phrase “as I mentioned before” or “let me repeat” way too many times. And it led me to ask myself what “noise” is preventing the messages from getting through? Why is miscommunication occurring even when messages are seemingly well designed and delivered? And that’s when I remembered my co-worker whom I discovered could not hear me.

There is a prevailing narrative that it is possible to work with people whom you do not like. I totally agree with this. I have done it. But “like”, I have found, is a word that many people use when they do not possess the vulnerability to use the word “trust”. Trust on any team is vital for success. It is vital for collaboration. And as I learned in that meeting many years ago, it is vital for communication. Trust is consistency in character over time. Or as one of my favourite authors Dr. Brene Brown puts it "Trust is the stacking and layering of small moments and reciprocal vulnerability over time." I know what to expect from you. I can predict how you will behave under any set of circumstances. I believe that what you are saying is true. And I know you have my interests at heart. My co-worker probably didn’t like me. But more importantly, she didn’t trust me. And I am convinced that it prevented her from hearing anything I had to say.

Think about the tune out

Be honest, there is a person in your life whom you do not hear. Perhaps you can’t recall the circumstances of what made you tune them out. But you know that their words mean very little to you and so you have managed not to allow your brain to process what comes out of their mouth. Now that you have your ex in mind (hahaha) think of that person coming to you with a message that could save your life. Would you believe it? What if that person changed their demeanor completely in order to give you the life-saving message? Would you believe it now? What if they looked you square in the eye and shed a tear? Would you believe it then? I have asked myself these questions and the answer for me is consistently no. I would probably think about what they’re saying. I may even investigate it later. But I would not believe the person readily. I cannot. I do not trust them.

 The Spokesman

Given this propensity in the human heart to cancel sounds from the mouths of the (perceived) untrustworthy, it is extremely important to select spokespeople who will give your message a fighting chance. Without a scientific analysis to establish the level of public trust in each of the members of your team, I offer this simple drawing.

The Newbie- This is the person who has only been interacting with the audience for a short time, and therefore has not been able to establish very much trust. This person relies on the endorsement and association of credible peers. The newbie is someone who is full of promise and who aspires to a position of high trust, but it will take time. Think about a recent graduate joining a team, or a newly elected member of parliament.

The Extraordinaire- This is the person who has developed high trust over a long time. It is the powerful combination of trust and experience. Rare… very rare.

White Coat-These are the people who have been interacting with the audience for only a short time but have more credibility than the Newbie because of an established criterion. I think of a recently graduated doctor who has not had time to treat many patients, but their credentials give them credibility and a moderate measure of trust to get them going.

Marketed Maverick-These are people who have been able to develop high trust over a relatively short time thanks to strong branding or a successful political campaign. These guys have it hard because they must live up to whom they already told the audience they are, or risk squandering the trust. 

Tried and Tested- These are people who have been around a while and seen a lot. By virtue of their experience they achieve a measure of moderate trust from the audience. But it is not as a result of any deliberate action to establish trust from the public. They have achieved trust and longevity by abiding by the rules. Think of a public official like a school principal.

Back office- This is the person who has been interacting with the audience for a long time but has very low trust. This person may have been perceived as more trustworthy in the past, but something may have happened to cause them to lose credibility. It is likely that this person is maintaining a position on the team due to high competence or technical skill. But they should never really interact with the audience. Let’s call them the back office.

The Circle of Trust-This is the area within which we should find all our spokespeople. Obviously, the extraordinaires are the first choice for public outreach because, not only do they have high trust, they also have credibility across age groups.

The Recruit- This is a person who plays for the other team but who has the trust and influence to deliver the message. Many teams don’t consider the recruit because of the fall out or being criticised. But if the message is as important as how to survive a pandemic, I’d say it’s worth ensuring that communicating to the audience is the top priority.

So What…?

This is an overly simplified reflection, but the point here is that communication goes beyond being suited up, well-scripted and properly lit. Talking to humans means that all the complexity of human relationships comes into play. And when it comes to life saving messages like those that need to be communicated in a pandemic, everything must be subordinated to getting the message across, including pride, ego, and delusions of grandeur. Consider what the audience needs to know and the shortest road to them knowing it. Then find the people they trust, wherever they are, to bring the message to them.