Summer is coming to an end and I'm feeling a little anxious about it. And that's ok.

Winter and I had a terrible falling out ten plus years ago and we’ve never been the same since. Some relationships are toxic and it’s best to walk away (Bermuda anyone?), but that’s not always possible. Sometimes relationships are broken, and not as a result of toxicity or another person, but rather a misunderstanding or some breakdown in communication.

Since our troubles started I’ve largely come to dread winter. As the mornings have started getting cooler and August is quickly coming to a close I’m starting to feel some anxiety. I love fall, especially fall in Southern Ontario, the joy of being able to turn off the AC and sleep with the windows open, the stunning fall colours and wearing cozy hoodies again. But I haven’t been able to be fully present or enjoy all that fall has to offer, owing to the knowledge that it means winter is just around the corner.

After more than a decade, I have to wonder if it’s too late to repair this relationship (did I mention Bermuda?), but Canada really is a great country and Ontario is such a beautiful place to live for three of the four seasons. And this is home, so I’m not ready to give up on the possibility of reconciliation quite yet.

Now I know winter is not solely to blame for my depression or anxiety, maybe it's not even an original root cause, but it is a significant contributing factor. I don’t anticipate that will change, it’s normal. The majority of humans feel happier, healthier and more energetic when out in nature and with adequate amounts of sunlight (note: studies indicate pretty much everyone at this latitude should be taking vitamin D supplements in winter). We are all individuals with different genes, impacted by life events and situations differently. Some of us are simply more susceptible to not coping well with lack of sunlight and exposure to nature, whether (pun intended) that be the winter blues, seasonal affective disorder, full blown depression, anxiety or some other response.

I’m not ready to give up on finding joy in winter, going back far enough I used to love winter and have many life experiences that suggest we can be great friends; Newton Girls snow fort sleep over on a -27 Celsius Manitoba winter night, tubing in the ditch behind the truck, summiting Kilimanjaro just as the sun was rising, sliding down the machine shed into the snowbanks (until my Dad caught us and put an end to that one), curling up under a blanket with a good book or sharing popcorn while watching Family Ties (I still have crush on Michael J. Fox but who doesn’t?).

Last spring/summer I felt as though I’d had a major breakthrough in this war I’ve been waging with mental health and I was so optimistic that the winter of 2018/19 would finally be our moment of reconciliation. It wasn’t, and that felt devastating. It wasn’t winters fault, the stress of purchasing a new house combined with other changes and life stresses already triggered the onset of anxiety/depression in August. But at least in August and September I have all these ‘tools in my toolbox’ so to speak. When it felt unbearable I went paddle boarding, swimming, sailing or went and sat at the beach or in the Glen Steward ravine and just practiced deep breathing - and everything was bearable again, sometimes much better.

But when the grey skies returned, the leaves fell off the trees, and the cold started to set in I lost my most effective healthy coping strategies. Maybe I could have accepted the misery for the normal length of winter but the early onset of the anxiety and the miserable spring this year (weather wise) meant start to lift materially until June and I didn’t really start feel myself again until July. Combined with my optimism earlier in in 2018 that I’d made great progress in facing and what I felt at the time ‘overcoming’ my challenges with health struggles, I felt discouraged, defeated and while never fully without hope it was at times, hard to hold onto.

They say that the lie depression tells you is that life isn’t worth living, and while I agree with that, the truth for me is that it’s not worth living in the midst of a serious and extended bout of depression. A life worth living involves connection and requires purpose. I suppose survival is in and of itself a valid and noble purpose, but while I can find connection in the midst of depression and anxiety when it’s moderate, I struggle to do so when it’s severe. I guess that makes sense, depression for me anyway, feels like a disconnection from myself and if I can’t connect with my own heart or soul I’m not sure how I could connect with anyone else’s? Any stereotype or annoying thought in your head designed to make you miserable generally contains at least a seed of truth to it, enough to convince you that it’s the whole truth, if you’re not paying enough attention. So while depression lies and tries to convince me that life isn’t worth living, I remind myself that as all seasons pass, this will pass too. The beauty and joy that is life has always returned to me and I have no evidence, no life experience or basis for which to believe that it won’t again, it has 100% of the previous times. Those are pretty damn good statistics.

Even in the midst of the previous winter and discouraging setback there was evidence of real change and hope that perhaps efforts to end this vicious cycle do pay off, even if painfully slowly sometimes. The old me would have berated myself endlessly, how could I had been so stupid to think I could handle the stress of buying a new house? While I acknowledged I maybe took on too much or didn't otherwise give myself the necessary support to deal with it effectively, I never berated myself, I never even regretted the decisions, I just asked myself what I'd do differently the next time. That may not sound like much, but it is everything. 

The anxiety felt devastating, not any better than previous years, actually a fair bit worse than the last few. I was and continue to be frustrated but the anger is subsiding and its being replaced by sadness, and compassion, for myself and others struggling similarly. Knowing that there are so many others with similar challenges and that this struggle only means I’m human, not weak, provides a great deal of comfort but also a great deal of sadness. I wish this wasn’t just such a normal response to the world we live in, is this what it means to be human? To feel such pain? The burden of knowing there are so many others, living in so much pain often leaves me feeling more overwhelmed. On the other hand, I know the flip side of this struggle is the joy, wonder and awe we, as humans have the privilege of experiencing. And yes, it’s absolutely worth it, even when it doesn’t always feel like it.

So as I write this on the last Sunday of August, I am feeling a little anxious about the seasons to come, but it’s not a bad anxiety, it’s not overwhelming. One of my main roadblocks on this journey is the belief that mental health is a war I need to wage, that it’s a fight I need to gear up for. It’s not, it’s just a struggle I have to live with, not to overcome but to continue to try and find a way to accept. To maybe even one day, welcome in and say ‘oh hello anxiety/depression what brings you back? How can I make you feel safe and loved so that we can get along a bit better?' We'll never be friends and that’s ok, but perhaps we can learn to appreciate each other and the strength and courage we have when we put our differences aside long enough to have a real conversation, rather than just continue to fight each other.

I’m not as optimistic as I was about this coming winter as I was in advance of last winter, but I feel more at peace with it and confident that I can handle whatever is to come. I’ve decided to allow room for the anxiety and the possibility that it will begin to grow, but I’ve also decided that I won’t let that deter me, or maybe it will be the encouragement needed to ensure I enjoying every last minute of summer, I will appreciate the hell out of it, I will watch sunrises, swim, sail and express my deep gratitude for all the joy it brings me. And at the same time, I will prepare for winter. I've bought a sunlamp, I'm researching trips to warmer climates and I'm making commitments, because I'm finding that when I commit to things I believe in, am passionate about or that move my life in the direction I want it to go that I can show up, even in the winter. 

Bring on the fall, I'm looking forward to it.