Suicide Prevention and a Personal Message of Hope.

10 years ago I spent a winter couch surfing, homeless, and living in a basement apartment in Brewster, MA. The apartment was not up to code. It was cold. My car was crappy, the car seat in it was equally crappy. I spent my nights baiting tackle with my 3 year old wrapped up in his car seat in the back seat of my car, conserving gas by only starting the car when it got cold enough in the backseat that his hands were cold. The shower at my apartment didn’t always work so I would sneak into the pool at my parent's old timeshare to clean up sometimes. I was 21 years old, homeless with a toddler and on the waiting list for section 8 housing. They denied my cash assistance claim based on a savings account my mom had with me as a secondary owner that I couldn’t access. At the time I had no familial support. I lost my low-income childcare when my car broke down because my son missed too many days. We kept warm by bedsharing in our cold, cramped basement apartment because all we had was a space heater. I couldn’t afford pull-ups and my son was still having accidents at night so I woke up in a puddle more nights than not. There were only 2 (sometimes 3) people that were there for me through that terrifying, dark time. None of them are really in my life now. But they helped get me through it. Some people in our lives to help us grow through things that we might not otherwise be able to endure, even though they aren’t permanent.

I’m incredibly thankful to those people, even though they all did things that hurt me deeply later. If they hadn’t helped me grow in that time of my life I wouldn’t be where I am now.

If you think the government helps people struggling with poverty, you’re wrong. The government regulations in my town hurt me and made it harder for me to find legal housing, and none of the benefits I had paid into my whole life (working since the age of 12) were there to help me up when I was knocked down. I worked my fingers to the bone, and I made it. But I was lucky. Lucky to have friends. To eventually have family. I was lucky to have the education that I had. I was lucky that I was young, pretty, female and white. It wasn’t much later that I got my first hospitality job that led to my first sales job that eventually led me to 6 figure incomes and relative financial security even during gaps of employment.

If you’re struggling, I want you to know you can make it. I want you to know that I’m here. If you need somebody to talk to. If you need encouragement or if you need a ride to a job interview or a place to take a warm shower.

My cup overflows now. I have more light, warmth, and love in my life than I could ever have imagined. I met a man who helped to make all my dreams come true by chasing them with me and always supporting me. I have FOUR beautiful children who bring vibrancy and color to my dreariest days. I have the life I always dreamed of.

I have attempted suicide multiple times in my life. The last was when I was 22. I thought my son would be better off without me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Your life has more value, more potential than you can possibly know. If you are in the trenches fighting with demons, keep fighting. If you need someone to carry your load for you awhile so you can rest, reach out. Trust me when I say that I have been there.

It gets better. It gets so much better.