Suicide: A New Way Forward

I write with tears in my eyes, both for sadness and of joy. 

Yesterday afternoon I attended a celebration to a young man who chose to move on from this world by his own hand.  During this, I witnessed the courage of a Mother and Father hide nothing, stand bare in front of and with, a community grief stricken by the situation.  Friends, family, teachers, fellow parents, members of a community, all affected by someone’s decision. .  People gathered together in a beautiful creek side camp area to weep, remember, laugh, cry, hug, dance, sing and most of all share. AND THERE WAS NOT JUDGEMENT OF HIS ACTIONS, only compassion and love. 

Even Spencer Jones, a semi-finalist in Australia’s 2017 The Voice gave an epic rendition of Guns And Roses Sweet Child Of Mine. 

Suicide has become like the wars of last century, touching every family in some way and leaving it’s mark. 

When I speak at large gatherings I will often ask the question: Who here has truly thought about taking their own life? And the percentage of responding hands are astounding, especially with young people. 

The rate of people choosing to leave this realm in this way is increasing, as are the number of professionals trying with all their might to help. 

My father was one of four notable farmers in the district who you would approach for advice. He was the only one to die of natural causes. The last leaving with a twelve gauge shotgun in his mouth at 72 years of age. 

People refer to attempts to get rid of stigma, but it remains. 

So What Do We DO?

I myself have sat on my couch in a pit of trauma and depression believing, beyond counsel, I was bringing too much pain on myself and my family and the best thing I could do is leave by my own hand. 

I have had to grieve my inability to help mates who chose this option when I knew, as did they, if they had asked I could have helped. 

I’ve stood by and hug a mother who told me I was part of her “If only” story – if only he’d said yes to going on your program. 

I’ve sat across a table from an amazing woman I love and told her I can’t stop her taking her own life; but she has taught me the most amazing lesson I could ask for: TO LOVE SOMEONE COMPLETELY. Completely accept them for who they are and the decisions they make. 

I’ve looked a father in the eye who just lost his best mate, his son, and all we can do is hug. 

And then last week, I witnessed a young man pull himself away from that option, even though it in the moment seemed like an easier option. 

So where has all this brought me?

WE NEED TO STOP TRYING TO STOP SUICIDE. IT’S CLEARLY NOT WORKING. 

What you focus on is what you get. Read the following statement and see what enters your mind. “Don’t think of a Green Frog”

What’s currently bouncing between your ears?

The more we focus on suicide the more we do two things, firstly put it in peoples minds. Studies show an initial suicide often sparks a spate of others as it gives a type of approval to take that action, and secondly miss the real issue.

OUR REAL PROBLEM IS AS A SOCIETY WE’VE BECOME EMOTIONALLY ILLITERATE. In our daily lives we’ve numbed ourselves to any real understanding of what these emotions mean. Case in point, there are no negative emotions. We would not have them if they were. All emotions are the bearer of messages about how we are interacting with our environment. 

I’ve had people come to me for help after seeing a psychiatrist who when asked about emotions said, “Don’t go there, they only bring pain.” Now while an isolated case, this comes from a fraternity who still hold to a belief that the bio-medical approach is the answer, as opposed to a possible element of intervention used with discretion and caution and within a structured framework of cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual a person gets assisted through.

Most suicide prevention is actually suicide intervention or post-vention. True suicide prevention doesn’t have ‘suicide’ in the title; it’s called helping a person truly understand who they are.  

You see, suicide is not the issue. Most suicide is the end point a person gets to for many and varied reasons because of emotional turmoil resulting in either numbness or intense pain, or both, within. In essence these people need compassion and love for their pain. As do those who grieve. 

THE REAL ISSUE IS OUR SOCIETIES IN ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND, AND THEREFORE TRULY HEAL, THE SHAME AND GUILT THAT UNDERLIE THIS PLACE OF DESPAIR.  

Just look at advertising campaigns designed to ‘make’ people conform: Real Men Don’t Hit and Report A Tosser, are two of my favourite uses of shaming language. Most of us received it as children from parents who didn’t know, “James you are hopeless!” or “Don’t BE stupid”, these are shaming statements for the action is stated as equalling the person’s identity. Shame turns toxic with a subconscious judgement by a person to make their thoughts/words/deeds and conclude negatively about himself or herself as an individual. Shame = Negative Belief About My Identity. 

One of the most impressive things parents have done in recent past is change their language to children by disassociating the behaviour from the child’s identity. For example: “James that behaviour is not appropriate because ….” This simple shift is a start. 

This issue is complex.

Yet in its complexity patterns emerge and key factors rise to the surface. 

THE GOVERNMENT IS ACTUALLY POWERLESS TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION, AND AT TIMES A FACTOR DUE TO POOR LEGISLATION. 

More not-for-profits or more money thrown at the situation in its current form, will not change our course. 

Yes judicial reform is required especially in the family court, but also in the way we view criminals, helping people heal before resettlement into society. 

The military could do with understanding how to actually welcome warriors home from war, however, unjust conflicts will always cause a warrior’s heart to break. You sleep no safer in your bed tonight because I almost lost my life in Iraq, leaving a wife a widow and a 16 month old without a father. 

Police are isolated and harassed during investigations into trauma in the workplace. The Victorian Police has in excess of 60% of it’s members with workcover claims into work related trauma. The Metropolitan Fire Brigade leadership are under investigation for bullying with a possible endemic cultural issue yet to be addressed. 

Anger is swept under the carpet in construction sites not realising it is a surface emotion and an indicator to deeper problems within a person. A tradesmen takes their own life in Australia every second day. 

Policies and understanding of our own First Nation people, the custodians of this incredible land, are harmful, archaic and at times criminal. Take for instance the policy that dictates all Aboriginal deaths on Elcho Island in the Northern Territory must be flown from the island, to Gove, where a corners examination must be performed. This completely disrupts the grieving process of family and community. 

And this is only a start. Change in these areas is necessary, however takes time and is beyond most of us. 

So what can WE do?

Well it all starts with us. 

By committing to develop a deeper level of emotional literacy and emotional intimacy, we enable ourselves to build a cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual framework of our true selves, beyond that of social conditioning.

If you do this as a parent, your interactions with your children changes and the environment you set becomes one of nurture not isolation. 

If you still smack your child, think for a moment about domestic violence. You are hitting someone you love. Is that what you truly want to do? Or do you want to engage your intellect to find another way? Yes, hitting can be sometimes easier, but you are involved in the most important job on the planet. You literally have our future in your hands and the use of violence says more about you than the child. 

Here is a starting list: 

-      own our own emotional crap

-      deal with, and heal our own emotional crap

-      if necessary, get help from someone you resonate with and will allow yourself to open up to. 

-      Learn how to grieve properly. First Nation people still have wonderful traditions that can assist us remember this extremely important process. 

-      stop the masks, facades, acts we are putting on to be seen a certain way

-      be REAL with people

-      let go of anything in our lives that is out of personal alignment

-      rebuild our sense of community through connection

-      heal wounds within families

-      next time you ask someone “how are you?”, mean it and desire a deeper response than “Good”. If someone when asked says Good, ask, “so what does that mean for you?” with genuine interest. 

-      Learn how to hold space for people in a non-intrusive, heart centred way. 

-      Learn about the difference between masculine and feminine energies and how they are not gender specific but reside in each one of us. 

-      Learn to BE Real and Feel. 

So I look back at yesterday with love and joy in my heart. For it signals for me a change is happening. People are waking up and realising openness, no matter how hard it may seem, is the only way. 

It starts with us, not governments or organisations. We have the power to change this situation one person at a time. 

And please remember, everyone is on the planet for a reason. It’s our job to find what it is, and the choice to enjoy the journey is ours, and ours alone. 

Much love

https://youtu.be/v-sAS95SW1Y