Suicide & I

So after recent events I have decided to open myself up to the world and my LinkedIn community about my mental health issues, suicidal thoughts and attempts.......

As a young I teen suffered with Anxiety and Depression. At the age of 15 I said to my folks that I need to see a doctor as I was seriously down and couldn't see a reason for living. I was then put on anti-depressants. This was just the start of my horror story.

I was drinking lots and even took alcohol in to school daily, it helped me fit in and actually I then didn't mind attending. I got through school, barely! So now I had depression, anxiety and a drink problem which followed me in my adult life! Great!

I met an older woman who I got involved with and she had her own issues in which I came to find out- she used to cut herself! I thought she was nuts right? well you may of guessed already that I became 'nuts' and started to slice up my arms, legs and wrists (the scars are not too bad anymore but they are still visible as a reminder to me where I have been and where I am today)

So by the age of 18 i'm now cutting myself, drinking all the time and taking tablets to help! I was being seen regularly by my GP and the mental health team at a hospital which I was pretty much a resident there - I was there most nights with overdoses of Morphine tablets, Tramadol, codeine, diazapam etc.

I always survived these suicide attempts and when I awoke the next day and always cried out "why can't I just fucking DIE! I'm not meant to be here" I wasn't meant to be born, I was a lost soul who would be better of dead.

This vicious cycle carried on into my early 20's and by now I had found drugs, wow that was a game changer. I was happier whilst coked up or pilled up raving to drum and bass and had a very close group of friends (drug friends - none of who ever stuck by me during these bad times, they most likely had there own demons they were facing so I dont blame them)

So now my body was just full of chemicals and surprisingly enough my mental health got worse- the worse it got the more drank and the more I used other mind altering substances to change the way I felt. Thats when the thoughts entered and consumed me- I had to die,one way or another other I couldnt contine to be in this world.

I know lets hang myself, lets jump off a bridge, lets cut your arm on holiday so bad that you are rushed into a hospital in a foreign country, lets do drugs to numb everything so you end in a London hospital with a blood clot on the brain and have life saving surgery, lets stick a plastic bag and tie it around your head, lets hang yourself again on Christmas day and have to be cut down, overdose after overdose, cut after after cut!

These were all genuine attempts to end my life, some at the very start were to seek attention as I didn't see a way out,.I wanted to end it as the idea of being dead was more appealing than living - Living? I was barely existing!

There was that small voice deep within me telling me that I could still have a good life, that voice only came to me now and then and you really had to be silent and listen to it as the other voice was very loud and more demanding that I end it.

I found it hard to talk to anyone but I couldn't get killing myself right so why not speak to someone- maybe I was supposed to be here?! so more doctors and more therapy sessions and a guy called David Smith, he was from the mental heath team and never gave up on me. I will always be thankful to him and he will never be forgotten. He helped me more than he will ever know.

Today it's a very different story and I no longer have any of those issues, I don't drink, take drugs (prescribed or pharmaceutical), I no longer self harm and I don't wake up wishing I was dead.

Writing this has certainly bought up a lot of emotions and I am very grateful that I can sit here and write that I wanted to die but i'm more grateful that i'm still here and very much LIVING.

I urge anyone that is suffering with any mental health issues to seek help. there are lots of groups out there, speak to your GP, get a referral and open up, this is nothing to be ashamed of, this is part of today's society. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help because there will always be a tomorrow and that may just be the day your life changes for the better.

My inbox is always open and I dont mind speaking to any person who is struggling. Please dont be a statistic, there is a way out.