Suicide Awareness Start with Hello

“I Am Struggling with a Migraine Today.” “I am Struggling with Depression Today.”

Two statements. Two types of pain, physical and social pain. The difference? The first one is easily disclosed amongst friends, managers, teachers. The other remains an internal dialogue and burden. 

Recently I received an e-mail about using mindfulness to carry burdens. I am a fan of being fully present and mindful, however when it comes to holding in burdens, and the stigma associated with depression and suicide I disagree.

Here is the e-mail:

A woman confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water while leading a seminar on stress management. Everyone assumed the ultimate question would be asked, 'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced”.

This is an incredible analogy to the benefits of being mindful, however, does continuing to hold a burden in while refreshed really allow us to be present and live life?

Neuroscience confirms physical and social pain impact the same areas of the brain. Further, studies from Dr. Naomi Eisenberger confirm Tylenol decreases inflammation in the same regions of the brain impacted by social exclusion as it does for physical pain. 

The answer is not to advocate Tylenol, but rather to understand the importance of belonging and a trusting culture by leading with mindfulness using the SCARF (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness) model. 

Leaders today need to learn the habits of SCARF for increased mindfulness. 21st century leadership requires us to take in oxygen first, calm our minds, so we can empower “oxygen fueled workplaces and schools”. Teaching the power of social belonging and mindfulness may be the difference in reacting to an emotion with hopefulness versus hopelessness.     

The power of being able to share that glass of water with a caring leader, friend, teacher or family member could mean the difference in burdens being lifted versus buried or worse escalating to hopelessness, hatred and lives lost. 

Using the SCARF model to motivate environments of trust and support where a dialogue about depression is viewed no differently than a complaint of a migraine is a great start. After all they are both relative to the brain not feeling well.

The S in SCRAF stands for status. It is about how we evaluate ourselves amongst others. One with a migraine is perceived as being sick, perhaps even viewed as out of their control. They are met with what we know is helpful in the brain, social support.

Messages such as “we hope you feel better”, team cards about supporting their recovery. This rewards the brain and is associated with the “R” in the SCARF model which is about relatedness, our sense of safety and support with others. It is simple to reflect on how a situation where you felt excluded and a leader sends a text communicating that they are thinking about you.

In 20 years of HR leadership one of things I have always practiced is "check-ins". If there is a suicide attempt and hopefully recovery making an effort to show support is so important. If it is welcome I have made it a practice to visit the hospital with the manager and I always bring a balloon. Do you know why? These recovery rooms are not filled with the cards, balloons and visitors like the rooms of those recovering from surgery.

The brain is a powerful organ, but it is a body part that should be treated by society no differently than a broken bone.  

Depression continues to have a stigma. This creates a fear response, fear of being judged as weak, a perception that depression can be “controlled”. This creates a cycle of self-exclusion and the likelihood of the person continuing to suffer. It is a lost opportunity for the incredible power of social support, which may be the one thing needed for that person to feel valued and get the professional help needed.

Men more often than women have perceptions of weakness associated with disclosing they are feeling depressed. Men more than women are less likely to disclose and more likely to end their life and in some cases the lives of others.

Society can make this more painful for those left behind by labeling suicide as “selfish”. An amazing person shared how painful this was to hear. It is hard enough to ensure their kids have as many positive memories of their parent to have to also defend a label that isn’t anyone’s right to judge and cause further pain. Another friend explained it this way, “some say suicide is selfish, yet they don’t understand that the persons brain truly was ill. It was sending them incorrect messages. Messages such as it is selfish for me to stay here and burden my family.”

It is just another important way each person can reframe the stigma of depression and suicide to show support versus feeling excluded.    

Feeling valued and that someone cares is foundational to our wellbeing which is essential to achieving the outcome of the degrees, the performance goals, and a live well lived.

Burdens don’t feel as heavy when you are supported by others to live a life of purpose. Coming from someone in HR you may think this is odd, it is too risky, it is invasive, we are crossing the line, or isn’t that why we have an employee assistance program?

My response? The #1 job of a people leader, a teacher a parent is to genuinely care. That means you know when a team mate, a student is present and when they have left themselves in the parking lot of buried burdens. 

If one person could share their burden in a way that leads them to getting the help they need because they know a leader, a colleague, a teacher is truly supporting them on the sidelines it may make the difference in empowering them to overcome burdens and inspire them to get back in the game of life.

How can you start leading with SCARF and reduce the stigma of depression and isolation?

Start with Hello is a great way to encourage social inclusion.

Understanding Social Pain & Reward: A Conversation with Dr. Naomi Eisenberger

Leading with SCARF: Managing with the Brain in Mind.

Mindfulness and SCARF Dr. David Rock

Dedicated to the Monarch Butterfly.