Suicide Awareness Month: My story

Thirteen years ago today, I was celebrating my 39th birthday when my dad killed himself.?

On that day, I called my parents twice, and both times Dad was outside. Both times, I asked Mom to have Dad call me back. But he never did.?

Following dinner with my mom, dad went downstairs to his shop and committed suicide.??

Around this same time, I was at the bar at The Odeon drinking a Manhattan, one of my dad’s favorite drinks.? My cell phone kept ringing, so I finally picked up. My brother-in-law was on the other end, and as soon as I heard his voice, I knew something was wrong.?

Frank said, “Kim, your dad killed himself tonight.”?

The rest of the night and most of the next several months were a blur of sadness, questions, denial, anger, insomnia, lack of appetite, guilt, listlessness, and overwhelm.? Time does not heal—it just moves on.?

As a society, talking about death is often avoided, which makes suicide a forbidden topic.? My father’s decision to take his life has created a long list of unanswered questions for me to live with every day.? When people learned of his death, even well-intentioned people asked me painful questions like: Were there any signs? Did he leave a note?? How did it happen? Why on your birthday?

Every single one of these questions just made me feel worse. Survivor’s guilt is palatable for me, and these questions reinforced the feeling that I failed my father. I know I didn't, but I can still feel that way.

September is Suicide Prevention Month, and it’s important that I share about my father’s suicide. I still haven’t met anyone whose parent committed suicide on their birthday.? I hope I never do.??

Suicide, mental health, or any challenges that make someone make this choice do not discriminate—regardless of success, income status, or background. Here are the facts:

• 1 in 5 adults experience mental illness each year.
• More than half of those don’t receive the treatment they need.
• In the U.S., suicide is the 10th leading cause of death.
• Every 11 minutes, someone makes a choice they feel is their only option.

I’m over the bull shit that talking about mental health is uncomfortable. It’s far less uncomfortable than trying to console someone who lost someone by suicide.??

We need to break the stigma that holds people back from seeking help. We need to invest in research, find better treatments, and improve access to therapy and medications.? Most importantly, we need to normalize these discussions so people don’t feel alone in their suffering.

We need leaders who:?

• NEVER question a staff person taking a mental health day.?
• Provide mental health benefits to their staff.??

We need leaders who support suicide survivors by the following:

• Give them time off for funeral services and to heal.
• Respect boundaries: Do not ask questions like the ones I was asked.
• Make yourself available and say, “I am here to listen to whatever you want to share.”
• Understand that suicide is a traumatic experience.
• Give your staff grace when they come back to the office. Their performance might waver.

What many forget is the impact the final decision of suicide has on those left behind. Every time someone suffering makes that choice, there are family and friends left behind, asking, "What could I have done?" It’s not fair to survivors, but it’s an issue many are left to contend with as they pick up the pieces and process what happened.

The truth is that my father was the most important man in my life. He taught me how to be an entrepreneur, be courageous, and how to show up in the world to the best of my capabilities. I am not angry at him. I wish he could have seen a different option.? I respect his choice, and I hate it. Both are true.?

I am not a mental health professional. I am just speaking about my own lived experience. But if you are a leader and want to learn more about how you can support your staff on the topic of mental health or suicide, please contact me.??

If you're struggling, or if you know someone who is, reach out. You’re not alone. The more we talk about mental health, the more we can offer hope to those who need it most.

#SuicideAwarenessMonth #MentalHealthMatters #EndTheStigma #leadership Kimberly Ruth Penharlow Kimberly Penharlow Consulting