Suicidal thoughts and sexual harassment - sharing my stories

In the last week there have been a number of issues raised in the media. I've not spoken about them directly, but sometimes there comes a point where you feel you can no longer stay silent. The stories you are about to read are my own; you may not like them, you may think they’re too much, you may appreciate the raw honesty, you may not, but these are my stories, and it is only now that I have decided to share them.

*Trigger warning - sexual assault and suicidal discussion*

Suicidal thoughts

1 in 5 of us will experience suicidal thoughts. 1 in 15 of us will attempt to take our own lives.

I reflect back on Meghan and Harry's interview. Meghan told Harry she didn't want to live anymore. Remember that number - 1 in 5...it’s really not uncommon. The amount of strength that took, when she knew how Harry had suffered as a child with his own loss, is unbelievable and should be applauded. If I’m generalising, there are effectively two ways of dealing with it....support or tell someone to suck it up. What did anyone expect Harry to do? Tell me what would you do if your partner told you they didn't want to live anymore? They could no longer bear the pain that they were experiencing? Maybe that they felt they had no purpose and had lost all sense of their identity. You would do everything you could to keep them safe, wouldn’t you? I have personally struggled in the last week when reading articles/seeing memes/listening to the radio/watching tv about Meghan: 'she's fake', ‘she’s lying’, 'she's acting', 'she's selfish', 'she's spoiled'. What happened to being kind, compassionate and empathetic? It was only 13 months ago, our social media feeds were filled with #bekind after Caroline Flack took her own life. 

If we look at what happened to Caroline Flack, in the lead up to her bringing her life to an end, the media had been hounding her. The stories that had been written about her, the ‘jokes’ that some journalists had been writing were downright horrendous...then she killed herself and they all reported how tragic it was, but it was more than just tragic. Questions were raised 'why couldn't she speak out?' 'why didn't she tell anyone?' 

Then we look at Meghan who, has also been hounded by the press for at least 4 years and has spoken out about her mental health. Once again she is being judged, criticised and some heinous things are being said about her. Is this a no win situation? We tell people to speak out and then criticise them for it. Is it any wonder Caroline didn't speak out? This is the problem!

My experience

My partner is my version of Harry. Not only has he and continues to support me and empower me to do what I do, but he kept me alive when I had depression. He kept me going. The truth of the matter was, I didn't want to live anymore.  Everyday he was supportive, empathetic, calm and understanding. Not once did he get impatient or angry with me. He kept me safe. When I was signed off from work, he took time out, from his own work, to be with me every single day. I can safely say that without him, I would never have managed it through that period of my life. I am thankful and grateful for him every day. 

Suicidal thoughts are common. Anyone can have thoughts of 'I wish I was dead' but never have any intention of acting upon those thoughts. I experience suicidal thoughts every month with my monthly cycle. And I don't get used to them - it feels like I'm walking a tightrope. When you're there, it's painful and you don't see any positives, all you feel is emotional pain and anguish. It comes from nowhere. My partner sees when I go into myself, he knows when I'm in that place and he asks me if I'm experiencing those thoughts. That is what I need. Bringing it up in a conversation, voluntarily, is really difficult. Not because there is no trust there, but the thoughts and questions of 'I don't want to burden him', 'is he in a good place to be able to deal with this?' But if he asks me, it tells me we can talk about it. That's why it's so important to ask people about those thouIt gives me the space to say 'yes' and have a cuddle. Generally I'm mentally well. I feel positive, optimistic and have good mental health, but for one day or two every month, I go into a deep dark place.

Sexual harassment

I don't know where to start with this one. It’s not something I talk about openly but I've read so many stories of women sharing what they've been through, I thought it was time to share mine...there’s more than one occasion that I’ve been sexually harassed/assaulted.

• When I was 16 I was indecently assaulted, in broad daylight (3pm-ish). I was taking my usual route home from school, just walking through the park, right by my house. It was one week before my 17th birthday. I was two minutes away from home, about 15 paces more and I would have been able to see my house. From behind, someone pulled my trousers and underwear down. I swiftly turned around expecting to see my sister playing a trick on me. But it wasn’t her, I was facing a 40-ish year old male, a complete stranger, who quickly scarpered. 30 seconds later a woman walked by me, she saw that I was in a state, completely sobbing. She walked by and I just carried on walking home and said nothing to her. I guess it was the initial shock and then it dawned on me 'what if he does it to her?' It was too late by that point, I was home. The police came round 3 hours later. They took my clothes and underwear for testing, and then we drove around the park to see if the man was still around. He wasn't and, to be honest, I would never have expected him to be. I was interviewed a week or two later by a male officer and a female officer. I was nervous about being interviewed by a man, I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. In the interview he asked if I had felt concerned about being interviewed by a man and I said ‘no’ because I was afraid of disappointing them. I felt ashamed. Does that sound ridiculous?
• When I was 17 I was sexually assaulted at my Saturday job, cashing up in the office at the back of the shop. A customer came out to the office - it was him and me, alone. He was in his 50s and newly married. I shouted at him 'what the f*** do you think you're doing?' He laughed at me and walked away. My boss and colleagues were supportive - they didn't see it happen but they heard me shout and saw how upset I was. My mother also confronted my boss about it, at the time, who in turn confronted the customer. The man apologised profusely to my boss, but never to me and never came into the shop again whilst I was there (a little relieved at that to be honest). Had he not been confronted, who else might he have done this to? Had he done it before? Would he have done it again? Why did he think it was acceptable to behave as he did towards a young girl?
• When I was 16 / 17 I was sexually assaulted outside a theatre in London. I wasn't on my own, I was with my parents and sister. It all happened very quickly, but it happened.
• When I was 18 I was indecently assaulted by a 40-ish year old man on a train on the way to University. It was about 8.30am. There were commuters on the train watching it happen, and they did nothing. They had assumed we were ‘together’. It eventually went to court. One of the commuters, who said he'd be a witness for me, gave me his contact details. He then wouldn't come to court to give evidence.
• When I was 18 I went on a night out with friends to our 'usual place'. I got drunk. I was emotional - a recent break up with a boyfriend. I thought it would be a good idea to walk 6 miles home at 2am, on my own. I stopped off at a BP garage, crying, emotional, drunk, to buy some cigarettes. A man had just finished his shift as a private taxi driver, least that's what he told me, and he offered me a lift home. I was probably 3 miles from home at this point. I asked him if he was sure and he said absolutely. I got in his car... What are you expecting next?....... Well he took me home. He was kind and he did not hurt me or assault me in any way. Is that the outcome you were expecting? Or did it cross your mind before you got to this point in the text 'serves her right', 'she should never have got into that stranger’s car,' 'what was she thinking?' 'she's putting herself in harms way'. I wasn't assaulted when you would possibly 'expect' that I would be - I was drunk, I was vulnerable, oh and I was wearing a short skirt. And I talk about this now, still, with my partner 'how lucky was I that I didn't get raped or murdered? Anything could have happened to me that night'. I feel lucky that nothing happened - really I do, but is that right? What is more, I never told anyone about this because I knew I would be told that what I did was stupid and that something awful could have happened. It seems we have come to expect that if a vulnerable woman gets into a car or walks home alone that something bad will happen and it's her fault. The blame is regularly placed on the 'victim' and we've seen that this week with Sarah Everard - 'why was she walking home at 9pm?' 'why didn't she get a taxi?' My questions - why shouldn't she have been able to walk home? I shared this particular story of mine over the weekend with my sister. She asked me about it, so I told her about what happened and who the ex-boyfriend was. I explained that he said he was at the kebab shop, and that I had gone to meet him. I got there and he’d gone so I called him and his response was ‘oh yeh I got in a cab, I’m on my way home now’. I got into a state, at which point I then decided to walk 6 miles home. My sister’s response was ‘he was a pig and I always hated him’ and she’s right, but my response was ‘I was immature going to meet him’. And right there, I’d excused his behaviour without even realising it...all the while whilst writing this article! 
• When I was 23, at the end of a work Christmas party, the night had ended and the company had arranged group taxis to get everyone home safely from London. I was trying to get hold of the cab company using my mobile - distracted. One of the project managers, in his 50s, from the business decided to come round to the front of me and slobber all over my mouth. As you might imagine, I was outraged. Absolutely furious, I text one of the Directors. He was appalled too and spoke to the project manager. I received an apology on the Monday morning at work, something along the lines of 'sorry about that Sally, I wasn't drunk I was just really tired'. All I felt I could say was 'hmmm, it's ok' when inside I was screaming 'that doesn't make it ok, there is no excuse'. It was not ok, but I didn't feel I could voice that.
• When my long-term relationship ended in 2013 it seemed to give some men in the company 'permission' to be inappropriate, make comments, become too familiar. Single men, married men. I had enjoyed our working relationships and had never had a problem, but that started to change (with some, not everyone!) and I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to go on business trips with a particular senior leader, because I felt uncomfortable, treating meals out like it was a date. It was all just too much. My marriage had ended and this was their response. 
• Lastly, I think I speak for every woman on a night out... it would be rare not to be touched in some way. Even then, having your ar*e grabbed once on a night out seemed completely out of the ordinary - you would come to expect it all night, not just once but 3 times, 4 times, 5 times, 10 times. That appeared to be the norm.

Not all men are bad!

I hope it goes without saying that in my life I have met wonderful, empowering, respectful, supportive men, who have never made me feel uncomfortable, unsafe and have actually made me feel really secure and supported. The majority of men, without a doubt, are good, decent humans who do not attack women! Let's not overlook this. There are many men who have walked by me, behind me and there have been no issues at all. But we also know that research tells us that men are reported to commit violent acts significantly more frequently than women, against both men and women. (That’s not to say that women don’t assault people too, because they do).

Now of course I will be biased but my partner is the best thing since sliced bread! He is my rock and biggest support. He is kind, empathetic and understanding. He is patient.

If he sees a woman walking on her own and he's behind her, he will cross the road to make sure she doesn't feel unsafe. He has helped women who have felt distressed walking on their own. One specific occasion he remembers - 'Would it be ok if I walk with you, there's a man down the road and he's freaking me out?' His response 'yes of course' and then he's seen the man back off and turn around. A woman approaching a man about another man - not all men can be bad! And I'm sure there are many men out there with similar stories.

One of my biggest champions, whose relationship I will always treasure, is that of the Director I mentioned earlier, who spoke to the project manager about his behaviour. We are less in touch now, but he always looked out for me, he supported, championed, empowered me. When we worked together he was my work brother (with a bit of an age gap!) He was more senior than me, but he treated me as an equal. I could always be honest with him and he was respectful.

My older brother champions both my sister and me, sending us messages about how proud of us he is, the work that we're doing, driving forward in our careers, how we are challenging the status quo.

Just a couple of examples of great men and there are many more too.

What about now?

I remember my older brother telling me to make sure I carried a body spray in my handbag to use if I was ever attacked...that’s some 16 years ago now. It’s true, every time I leave the house on my own during the day to go for a walk or to pop into town, I regularly look over my shoulder.

I have sped up my walking pace. I have got on the phone to make a fake call. I've sent a text saying that I'm worried and feel unsafe.

I’ve read articles on ‘how not to get raped’ – don’t wear your hair in a ponytail, it’s easier for a 'predator' to grab than if your hair is loose. If you do get assaulted and you want to fight back, don’t use keys because you’re within grabbing distance...try to use something else, like an umbrella. When I’ve parked my car in a car park, and have had to walk from there to the office where I work, I’m aware if my hair is in a ponytail or plait, I’m looking around to check my safety.

Do you think it's right that women have to think this way or do you think it would be better to change the cause of women feeling like this? What can we do to make cultural change? What is in your control or influence that can support cultural change?

Final thought

I've read a lot of arguments on different platforms. I'm not going to say I've read all the research, I haven't and of course not all men are violent. But the thought that sticks with me is 'look at the impact of these events'. Whether these are reported as rare or common events, once is enough. We can all experience trauma from things that haven't happened to us. Witnessing or hearing about something can be traumatising. I was assaulted when I was 16 - it didn't just impact me. It impacted my mum, dad, sister, brother, grandparents, friends, Uni mates, neighbours, the community. It's far more reaching than just the individual, and this is something that we need to remember.