Suicidal to Supreme Being

The suicides of celebrities such as fashion designer Kate Spade, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain and actors from Bollywood have served as a reminder to all of us that life can be difficult even for the rich and famous.

There is no escaping the fact that the suicide rate has steadily risen in the U.S. Women and teenagers were particularly affected by the increase in suicide rates in the last decade.

The problem extends beyond the United States. Everywhere in the world, suicide is taking a heavy toll on individuals and families.

This week, Mother America dedicates her special moments to "National Suicide Prevention week".

Never did I imagine that I would share about my spirited battle of suicide; that happened almost two decades ago.

Below is a snippet of the life changing chapter on my "suicidal battle" of my life that I wrote in my memoir that just got released this week.

"I cut my wrists severely in a moment of despair, feeling woozy after hours, and collapsed on the floor.

What a?terrible mistake I had made in the darkest moments of my?thinking and confusion of life’s problems.

My memories of how I came to be in an emergency room?after how many hours are fuzzy. My vision was blurry, I could?barely see without myopic spectacles, and I couldn’t see clearly?with my naked eyes.

Further to this, I was a total puzzle as to?why I was doing this to myself. I’ve never felt like this since I?was born—depressed, angry, devalued."

My life hadn’t even been a quarter of a century when I?felt like the worst human to ever exist! I don’t know what?happened to me and I wasn’t listening to myself.

I couldn’t help thinking about questions ever since I?opened my eyes, surrounded by tubes placed into my throat?to drain poison I consumed to die along with the deeply?inflicted knife wounds.

The question being:

WHO AM I? WHAT AM I BECOMING?

After my two days in the ER, I was moved to another?facility, so I wasn’t quite sure where I would be going. It?became apparent that it was a psychiatric facility that monitored a suicidal patient’s recovery and behavioral health.?

At this psychiatric facility I was tethered to an observation ward I shared with other patients with the same kind of?suicidal trauma.

"I was in constant pain and tears, incapable?of speaking to anyone for two days. I was under constant scrutiny if I would try to commit suicide again and as I used?the bathroom, I was naked—in fear I might renege on my?promise to abstain from suicide again. I remember my shower?in the bathroom made me feel like a dried seed in my shell."

?

It reminded me so much of being hard-shelled without any?sense. Whenever I touched a drop of water, I felt motion?less and lifeless, which is quite unusual for an aquarius-born?human being like me.?

In those two days, I overheard stories from real people who I’m?in the same boat with, but their stories were heartbreaking,?from homeless to sexually abused.?

In the midst of this, a divine-looking angel was visible far?away in the room I was in; she had a smile as my mother, Sita,?did.?

An old me would probably have jumped up and greeted her?and told how similar her smile was to my mother’s. However,?I was barely motivated in speaking with anyone around me.?

At the end of the second day, early in the evening, I heard?a voice ask, “Would it bother you if I helped you, Kamala?Kalyani?” The gesture sounded like my mother and maternal?grandmother contacting me from overseas, thousands of miles?away, out of love!?

The enigmatic young woman in front of me held a book?with an orange back cover. Despite my eyes being hazily?swollen from tears, as I read the title, it stated, “The Bhagavad?Gita’’ in English.?

I was stunned seeing that picture as I saw a beautiful?Caucasian woman holding a holy book of the oldest religion?of humanity, Hinduism. I opened my eyes like the stars in the?darkest of nights, shining heavenly powers. I found her inspirational radiance and appearance similar to a Devi, a female?deity found in various comic books where Hindu mythology?is depicted.

The Bhagavad Gita, the main Hindu sacred text, does?not include angels in the same sense that Islam, Judaism, or?Christianity do. In Hinduism, such angelic beings include gods?like Lord Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita’s author. “Devas” and?“Devis” are terms used in reference to male and female deities,?respectively. Human gurus (spiritual teachers who developed?divinity in their core) and ancestors who passed away. You?may have discovered that Vice President Kamala Harris has a?middle name called Devi, which symbolizes her true calling as?the first female Vice President in American history.

There are not many people in the United States who?remember my first and middle names back then. When I?viewed Devi, that young Caucasian female who had been?described as divine, I felt I saw a person of authority with?divine intention. Her so deeply committing her speech to my?name had a purpose.?

Devi took an old note out of her book and read out the?words:?

“I hate you, Kamala Kalyani.”?

I couldn’t stop staring at the note’s four petal, Lotus-like?origami fold, which reminds me of a Kamala. It touched me?deeply and began to awaken my inner core.?

I was holding a book magazine with a cover of mighty?elephants, which are one of my most favorite of nature’s?creations. It was apparent she was very curious about my?connection to elephants. I told her there are several reasons?but also one of the main reasons being it represents the mighty?Lord Ganesha, the obstacle-remover God who is a human with?an elephant’s head we pray to in India. Hence, I am holding?this magazine to my chest and would like to connect better?with the Ganesha to better understand who I am.

We talked for hours, I didn’t even get to ask her name and?she talked for hours about her acquaintance with India, her?friends, and then finally she said, “You know the meaning of?your names right?” I said I would love to hear her perspective. Devi said that Kalyani is named after the Goddess of?Knowledge who sits on the Lotus, a symbol for the Kamala. I told her my life story from my childhood until my?arrival in the United States. You will find it documented in?the first few chapters. In the end, she said, “Kamala, your?story thus far reminds me of the great Indian prayer, the story?of Gajendra Moksha.”?

“Gajendra Moksha,’’ a prayer addressed by the king?elephant, Gajendra to Lord Vishnu, who is the preserver god?as per Hindu religion. In Hindu mythology, that means he?keeps the universe going strong and saved from destruction.

The story runs as follows.?

A nice garden belonged to Varuna, the Lord of the Oceans,?which was located in one of the secluded valleys on Mount?Trikota, surrounded by the Ocean of Milk and intersected by?lakes and rivers of various sizes and shapes.?

Gajendra, the herculean elephant king lived in the forest?on the mountain. A happy creature in his strength and power,?he harbored pride for his success and power.?

Once, Gajendra led his elephant family into the garden?to drink water and relax in a big lake. They were playing and?having fun disturbing the peace of the lake. As he was so proud?of everything he did, Gajendra was engrossed in playing, as?the rest of the army climbed the bank.?

Makara, a crocodile living in the lake, was upset by?Gajendra’s disturbance of the peace, so he grabbed at his?foot and started dragging him into the water. He resorted to?releasing the crocodile by turning and tossing the body.

Despite a thousand years having passed since their battle?began, the noble King elephant and the crocodile were still?fighting on, tugging and pulling each other, to the amazement?of even the celestials.?

The terrible struggle left Gajendra exhausted and in pain.?Suffering in body and spirit, he turned his thoughts to the?Lord Vishnu at the last second. He started singing the praises?of the lord in the form of a prayer, “Gajendra Moksha”. Lord?Vishnu with his Garuda Vahana, in his eagle-humanoid form?who is revered as the god of the sky with a magnificent sight,?spotted Gajendra who was holding a Lotus, plucked from the?pond, waving to surrender, unmindful of the terrible pain.?“Garuda” is the Sanskrit word for “Eagle.” In no time, Lord?Vishnu severed the head of the crocodile with his discus and?liberated Gajendra from suffering. The mighty king Gajendra?kneeled at the Lord’s feet with gratitude and sought for libera tion from the suffering and humbly surrendered to him.?

Devi’s last phrase was, “Find your purpose, Kamala, the?world needs you. You are just beginning Gajendra’s journey.?Keep going by always being humble with gratitude and cultivating your supreme success. With all your drive and vigor, you will?bloom as many petals as you can and help others bloom as?many Kamalas in the pond of this lovely life.?

“Bloom your petals of passion and perseverance, Kamala.”?Her last act was to tuck me in bed and give a gentle pat on?my head.?

Is this real or is it just my imagination telling me that I am?waking up to the blessing of “Gajendra Moksha” in America,?which has graciously selected the Bald Eagle as its national?emblem. The purpose of Gajendra Moksha in my life will?become apparent halfway through this book.?

This is a special chapter dedicated to a “Devi” that I met?around that time and one that we all encounter in the form of a “man” or a “woman” that awakens life in the hard-shelled?seeds.??

Amazon link is below

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1950948870/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_6EFX7VRY8NBM4CM88J4V.

Please read Chapter Devi, Chapter 9, Chapter 27, Chapter 36 how I am becoming from "Suicidal to Supreme Being" in everything I pursue and perceive with the mighty and magical powers of a Kamala that the Goddess is holding in the photo above.

Btw, ping me offline if you want to hear the beautiful experience that I had while watching "He-man" cartoon in my pre-teens and scratching my head "How did Ancient India is showcasing a Goddess with a lion who I called She-man in my mind and this cartoon is only showing a man with a lion as He-Man"

These chapter are dedicated especially to every mental health battle in the world.

I am privileged to share with all of you about my memoir,

"Becoming a Kamala; Becoming the Change You Want To Be."

It is an empowering journey that is teaching me to become a better human, woman, and rare disease patient every day

https://becomingakamala.com/

is my website link

“My attempt to chronicle my life experiences was influenced by the fact that I did not want to forget what I had faced, whether it was a triumph or a low point for me including my "suicidal battle", because each experience has helped me to become who I am today. These #failures and #successes have all contributed to my transformation, making me who I am "becoming" today.

If you are someone aspiring for bigger things in life, or someone fighting a desperate situation, or even someone just bored of your ordinary life, this Kamala’s journey will inspire you!

The transformative evolution of this "suicidal Kamala into a supreme being" will now focus on creating "circles of kamalas like you all" to cope with all challenges, including suicide.

I never imagined that I would be sharing with you "what I am becoming, the radiant flower of perseverance, transformation, and empowerment" in that darkest moment of my life.

Sharing this memoir is my way of sharing the healing powers of power flower, Kamala with you!

Let us look out for the signs of depression and mental health in those around you and offer help !!

I know you can do it and so can we!

As supreme human beings, let's beat any negative thoughts together!