The Suicidal Entrepreneur - Breakdown

A  few weeks prior to taking the above photo where I am all smiles, I was ready to #killmyself. This was the third time in my existence that I no longer valued my life. The first was when I was kicked out of Providence St. Mel and was called dumb by the staff  in front of my father simply because I had a medical reason to wear gym shoes daily. The second time was after I was raped at Indiana State University and I was told that it was my fault and that that boy would have never done that when he can get “it” from anyone he wants. Lastly,  there was THAT day recently.

As an entrepreneur it is all on me to survive off of what I can earn. As a #socialentrepreneur it was never about the #money as I would always spend it on the kids that would come to my program. I’d be willing to look like an #unkempt woman just so I can make sure that my kids would have full meals, a comfortable ride to class and a few physical rewards here and there. I lost myself in the #giving. The negative thoughts were able to #seep in when I was no longer able to pour into others. You see, I saw #helping people as my #gift and my only #asset. But where would my worth come from if I was no longer able to give? That tore me a part.

When I saw how people were so quick to unpack all the work I’d put in prior, simply because I was no longer #financially able to keep it all together - I became unhinged. I am #grateful for this moment as I look back, because, I had the most important realization I’d ever had in my life. If I killed myself who will do THE WORK God assigned me to do? Who would be tasked with teaching the youth I never would've made it to? #Who? That single flow of #consciousness saved me from myself and forced me to no longer find my #selfworth in the value people perceived of me but the value from #accomplishing my #dreams.

I've had an amazing life. I've been fired by #Prince, saved from oncoming traffic by the Notorious BIG, club hopped in VIP with @Diddy, invited to the @WhiteHouse and most importantly, helped to nurture my beautiful and amazing city, #Chicago. I did all of that while wanting to be valued by others. I can not imagine what will happen now that I have realize that my worth is not weighed externally but internally. I am not the only entrepreneur looking for love in all of the wrong places. Trying to find value for their life in a financial status or social accolades.

Suicide has unfortunately become normal. It seems like a more viable choice for those unable to grasp how to activate a better way of life. Suicide has less to do with others but more to do with how one feels about themselves and how they can deal or get out of a certain situation. Since I posted this exact post on Instagram I’ve found myself crying daily. My cries aren't because I feel weak or challenged but I've realized that I wouldn't be able to enjoy this moment in time if I indeed took my life a few days ago. I have a new appreciation for time and life. As a kid, suicide seemed practical to me because 'you' feel invincible and it feels like life takes forever. As an adult, contemplating suicide is a much more deeply rooted issue. I had to really evaluate what I felt were my top notch priorities. I felt worthless at that moment because my business was failing. I felt worthless in life because I’m still single without any kids at age 37. I felt worthless socially because I’m  tragically awkward in most spaces. The only place I seem to thrive is within the midst of young people.

Looking back, I see that my hour long debate with myself on why I should kill myself was me realizing that something within my life's equation was missing and I wanted to just jump to the end to finally solve the problem. I didn't want to do the work to find the missing pieces to make the math make sense or cents. That was my real problem. I wanted results for dreams that I had not yet put the work in to/for. I wanted instant gratification for just thinking of something rather than building, investing and growing something. We live in a new world where validation blinds us from our ability to appreciate the journey rather than the arrival to a particular destination.