The Sunday Stoic: On Social Projection

Imagine getting really excited about something—a cause or a person—and eagerly sharing it with friends or family, only to be met with blank stares, polite nods, or gentle pushback. It’s like when someone’s political views completely baffle you, and you wonder, “How could they possibly vote for that side when they seem so similar to me?” It’s easy to think, “If this matters to me, surely it moves everyone else too.” This comes from a bias called social projection, our tendency to believe others see the world just like we do. But maybe realizing this helps us understand that people often think and act differently than we’d expect. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

The term "projection" comes from the Latin word proicere, meaning "to throw forward." In social projection, we’re basically tossing our own beliefs onto others. It’s like assuming everyone cares about recycling as much as you do—until your best friend casually tosses a soda can in the trash. Or picture a sports-loving parent expecting their kid to love football, only to find out it is theater not touchdowns what interests their kid. And hey, you might be all-in for choice ABC, only to discover on election day that someone close to you is rooting just as passionately for the opposite XYZ. Psychologist Lee Ross called this the "false consensus effect" back in 1977, showing how we often overestimate how much others agree with us. Funny how we are surprise by others, right?

Experts say that practicing active perspective-taking can really help us get past our biases. Basically, it's about assuming nothing and asking questions. Sure, it's not always easy. But who knows? The rewards might be worth it. The TV detective Columbo seemed to have this down to an art. Instead of forcing his ideas on others, he’d drop his famous, “Oh, just one more thing,” listening so carefully that people felt relaxed enough to shared the truth. With all the charm of a rumpled raincoat, he’d step into the other person’s shoes and catch the tiniest inconsistencies to solve the case. Maybe next time someone doesn’t see things our way, digging in our heels isn't the only option.

Ancient philosophy also offers wisdom for dealing with social projection. The Stoic philosopher Musonius Rufus (30–100 AD) wrote that the problem isn’t that others see things differently but that we wrongly expect everyone to see things our way. He emphasized apatheia—a sense of calm—and encouraged asking, “Does it really matter if others don’t think like I do?” Another Stoic idea, sympatheia, reminds us that differences shouldn’t ruin our connections; disagreement doesn’t have to derail a conversation. Similarly, Indic philosophy offers Viveka, or discernment, which emphasizes being patient and understanding with our differences. In short, expect others to disagree, but insist that we don’t have to be disagreeable.

In the end, when someone makes a choice that completely throws you for a loop, why not pause and try to see where they’re coming from—even if it makes zero sense at first? It’s kind of like showing up to a library parking lot with a karaoke machine: what seems like a perfect plan to a teenager might be way off-key for everyone else. Social projection is about realizing we often over-assume what others think or feel. So, when facing the unexpected, what if we asked open-ended questions to dig a little deeper—like Columbo’s classic “Just one more thing”? Hearing their answers and understanding their experiences could be pretty eye-opening. Worth a try, don’t you think?

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this essay are mine alone and don’t represent those of any individuals, employers, or organizations I’m associated with. Studying Stoicism and other philosophies is a personal hobby that I pursue in my own time to improve my thinking. I’m not a professional writer or illustrator, so I’ve used some online tools, to help illustrate and express my thoughts more clearly. My goal is simply to share ideas, not to impress. I don’t claim to be more knowledgeable than others—we’re all figuring things out on our own. If you have thoughts on how Stoicism applies to everyday life, I’d love to hear from you via LinkedIn. If you found this essay useful, feel free to share it with others