Successfully Giving Feedback is influenced by the Person's Self-Worth

I thought you all might enjoy seeing this. The ideas in this short email from Braver Angels leader Wilk Wilkinson is important for understanding an aspect of leadership that has to do with providing feedback. Braver Angels is an interesting group that works on bridging divides that keep people apart. They focus a lot on the politics in our country and use innovative tools to bring people together to understand different viewpoints. This piece though, is about how we and others see ourselves, and the impact it has on our performance and our willingness to accept feedback.

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From:?Wilk Wilkinson <[email protected]>

Sent:?Sunday, March 26, 2023 12:15 PM

To:[email protected]

Subject:?We are not broken

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Let me tell you a story.

Dear Charles,

Does your self-value affect how you listen to others?

Not long ago I was having a?conversation on my podcast?with a man named Regi Wilson, and it turned to how people's perception of themselves often greatly influences how they see others valuing them — especially when there is disagreement.

Reflecting on that conversation made me think of a time when I was tasked with coaching up someone's poor behavior or letting them go from their position because of it. When I confronted them with the facts of the situation, that person became more and more agitated to the point where they no longer wanted to listen. The more I tried to speak, the more agitated they became, and eventually, they became violent.

Ever since that happened, I've wondered: If that person had been more cognizant of their self-value, could it have changed the outcome?

Conversations with people of differing mindsets are so incredibly important, but we must also be ever conscious of who they are as a person. It may sound cliché, but everyone out there is dealing with things in their own life that you know nothing about. The "storms" within their lives can play a huge role in their self-worth, and consequently, how they interact with and listen to others.

If someone has a positive self-perception, they may feel more confident in their ability to express their opinions and engage in constructive dialogue with others. They may be more open to hearing alternative perspectives and be less defensive when faced with disagreement or criticism.

If someone has a negative self-perception, though, they may struggle to communicate their opinions effectively and become defensive or aggressive when faced with disagreement or criticism. They may perceive disagreement as a personal attack and feel insecure about their ability to defend their position.

This emphasizes the importance of asking questions. As we engage in conversations with people of different mindsets, it is so important to focus on their humanity. People must feel valued in order to keep an open mind, and if they do not feel heard, they may not feel their own value.

When someone does not feel heard or valued, they are less likely to want to listen. This is because feeling heard and valued is an important aspect of building trust and connection in any relationship. If someone feels like their thoughts, feelings, and opinions are not being acknowledged or taken seriously, they may feel frustrated, disrespected, or even dismissed — and that can lead to a breakdown in the communication or even the relationship.

That's why it is so important to create an environment that fosters active listening, empathy, and mutual respect. This involves actively listening to the other person, acknowledging their feelings and perspectives, and validating their experiences. By doing so, we can create a safe and supportive space for communication that can lead to greater understanding, collaboration, and problem solving.

Some say our country is hopelessly broken. Others say the divide may be too large to bridge. I'm of the belief that we at Braver Angels have the tools and determination to bridge that divide. To do so, we must have conversations where we see the humanity in all people of all mindsets, keep asking questions, and stay civil doing it!

— Wilk Wilkinson, Braver Angels leader and host of the?Derate the Hate?podcast