Success Takes Failure

"Failure is part of the path to success."

NOTE: This is not an article justifying wild speculation or irrational risk. Rather, the point is that failure is an inevitable part of learning and growing. It happens when we push our boundaries, when we try new things or attempt to pursue a vision. In that effort we will regularly fall short; things won't turn out the way we expected, our skills will prove inadequate for the attempt or we will face greater opposition than we had anticipated.

The pain we feel in failure actually has little to do with the event of the failure; it has far more to do with the story we tell ourselves. Toddlers learning to walk don't chide themselves for falling down, yet we do. Why? Failure holds up a mirror that reveals to ourselves that we are not as accomplished as we thought. In that revelation, we often feel shame. Beyond the awareness of failure, shame accuses us with the lie that we are not worthy, good or lovable. Failure itself is just a fact - I didn't do something I thought I could. But shame is a source of deep inner grief - I am not enough.

To grow through failure the resilient do something important.

They Counter Shame with Compassion

Before we can learn from failure, we have to dispel shame. We will all do this in unique ways, but all successful efforts are based in compassion towards yourself. Shame thrives under the stern eyes of our internal taskmaster, yet evaporates when we let compassion in. One way that I've been able to encourage self compassion is to imagine what my favorite teacher would say to me in the midst of the situation. My inner Mrs. Widner would step over, put her hand on her hip, tilt her head a bit and smile. Then she say, "Sam, mistakes are sometimes the most interesting things that can happen. What if we turned this around and looked at it from a different angle. Go get a ginger cookie from the jar and let's figure this out." No reproach, no finger pointing, just honesty, perspective and care. Failure is not an indictment against my identity.

But what about moral failure or legal culpability? In those situations of failure there should be guilt - I did something wrong; but even there, not shame - I am worthless. People who believe themselves to be worthless struggle to change; there is no incentive. Whereas guilty people who know that they have failed their own code, can alter their behavior and grow.

They Look at Failure with Curiosity.

When shame is removed from the equation, we can approach failure with a curiosity that enables growth. One team I led regularized everyday failure by having an agenda item for our staff meetings called Failures. Each week we shared ways that we'd tried something and failed. People asked questions about the situation in a non-judgmental way. We all learned and grew together. We made it fun by having an award each week for the 'best' failure. The winner got a stuffed Grumpy Cat to place on their desk until the next staff meeting. People who embraced their failures with curiosity grew and thrived; quickly learned their roles and offered support to others. But the practice also exposed another kind of team member, the proud. They rarely shared any failures, but were quick to laugh at others. They hid their everyday failures from view and hated this team exercise. Inevitably, they when big failure came, they fell apart and blamed others for the situation.

Curiosity about failure opens the door to growth. Interestingly, that also fosters humility. Humility, humanity and humor share a root Latin word, humus (earth, ground, organic material). Humility is just a way of saying grounded, honest and the rich base for things to grow in. What is true in agriculture is true for leaders as well. Our mistakes, failures and failings can be cultivated into the place where the seeds of success can root and grow.

Summary:

How to succeed through failure? 1. Use compassion to defeat shame. 2. Be curious.