Success is Never Final - Marriage Edition

If you've worked at Marriott International for any length of time, you will invariably hear the phrase, "success is never final." It was a favorite saying of our founder J. Willard Marriott and his son, Bill Marriott. Sometimes I joke with Bill that it could also be translated as “nothing is ever good enough,” but what it really means is that no matter how well things have gone, you need to be deliberate about focusing on doing even better.

I don't normally like to mix business and family life, but as Valentine's Day approaches, and as we find ourselves more frequently toasting and advising newlyweds, I find myself reflecting on what makes a good marriage. It dawns on me that “success is never final” applies just as much to a happy marriage.

I've had the good fortune to be married to my wife, Ruth, for 33 years. We met during college in the Midwest, and have shared life’s twists and turns ever since, raising four children, and long ago, crossing that line of more time together than before.

At a company meeting recently, Bill and I were interviewed and were asked what the "secret" was to our long marriages. Knowing the question was going to be posed, I asked Ruth the night before for her feedback. Well, we had different answers and, mostly in humor, I told the audience we’d had a fight about it. We didn’t really have a fight about it, but we had different explanations, even as we both agreed that it is an important conversation to have together.

Like any relationship, there are foundational elements that you have to keep strong. Trust, honesty, forgiveness, and, of course, for a relationship like marriage, love. Nothing will last long without a good foundation. 

Marriage is also a lot of hard work. I know a lot of people don’t like to hear that these days, but it is true. Once the first blush of love and being newly married wears off, if you aren't working on your marriage, it, too, is going to wilt. The work only gets harder when children enter the picture and, maybe harder still, when they leave.

With due recognition that the tips that follow are only mine, maybe not even entirely endorsed by my wife, Ruth, here are a few of my suggestions:

1. Ignore the Golden Rule. Everyone knows the Golden Rule — do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. That rule needs to be modified when it comes to building a loving and lasting marriage. You shouldn't treat your spouse the way you want to be treated but the way they want to be treated.
2. Don’t go to bed angry with each other. This one is impossible to always honor. Often it is precisely at those times when you are frustrated with each other that you are tired and that you want to withdraw, but it is so much better to put the argument to bed before you go to bed. The start of the next day is better.
3. Be engaged in something bigger than your relationship. We have seen friends focus too much time on their relationship; and others, in all honesty, probably including us, focus too little time on their relationship. You should be deliberate about it, though don’t let it become everything. Your relationship will be better if, together, you are focused on something even more important. Raising children is obviously one of those things for those who do, but being engaged in something in the community or some cause or activity is essential. You’ll feel better for having been engaged and even better for having been engaged together.
4. Recognize that you have each other’s back. Whether with friends, neighbors, or extended families, there will come a time when your loved one is under attack. Your role is to provide support. It doesn’t have to be unthinking support, but you need to be a team working together, and your instincts have to be trained to think of your spouse or partner first.
5. Don’t keep score. A marriage means shared responsibility for taking care of the chores for home. Stress that word “shared.” But don’t let the need to share the burden lead you into keeping score. It’s a trap.
6. Find some regular rituals. Ruth fixes coffee for me every weekday morning, no matter how early I might be leaving for a flight or a meeting. I fix coffee for her every weekend morning. Every morning there’s a kiss goodbye and every evening a kiss hello. No one of these is singularly important, but the rhythm they create is. 

Enough of the tips. One thing Ruth and I agreed on is that finding joy in each other is the lifeblood of our marriage. It's what renews and refreshes our love for each other, keeping it growing year after year. If we aren't laughing together, we know something's amiss.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Ruth, my love. You should know that I know that success is never final.