Success isn’t all about strategy, start making things personal

Lessons from Almost a Century-Old Classic

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People. Almost a century later, the ideas in this work still make sense in an age dominated by technology, data and instant gratification. While the life examples Carnegie uses are old-fashioned enough to be funny by today’s standards, the core principles, rooted in people and connection remain the same. It turns out, how we engage with others defines our success far more than our technical skills, credentials or position at work – now there’s a surprise.

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According to Carnegie - Here’s why

Friends: A Better Investment Than Vitamins

Did you know that having fewer friends as you age is statistically more dangerous to your health than obesity or smoking 20 a day. Fewer meaningful relationships can literally cut your life short. But the power of connection doesn’t stop at your health. Carnegie’s work shows that having a best friend at work makes you seven times more productive. Why? Because relationships foster collaboration, trust and a sense of shared purpose.

When people feel connected, they work harder - not for the boss, but for each other. This applies not just to the office but to the classrooms where we teach, the parents we engage with and the staff we lead. Leadership is, at its core, about fostering these connections and helping people to find their purpose within a shared mission.

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The Kid Who Won Big

Let’s step back to the 1800s to meet Edward Bok, a Dutch immigrant with only six years of formal education. At just 13, Bok stumbled upon a simple yet brilliant strategy for networking. He saved up his money, purchased biographies of famous people and wrote them letters asking questions about their lives – I could be wrong, but isn’t that what LinkedIn does. To his surprise, people like Abraham Lincoln wrote back. Through curiosity and genuine interest in others, Bok cultivated relationships that helped him become a Pulitzer winner and one of the most successful magazine editors in history.

Carnegie distilled Bok’s approach into a simple idea: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to make people interested in you.” Leaders, take note - when you take the time to learn about your team, their priorities and what drives them, you connect on a personal level which gives you a chance to bring your team closer to the school’s vision. This shared sense of purpose builds ownership and drives up outcomes.

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A Stamp Collection of Connection

Edward Bok’s approach works because it demonstrates value in others. He wasn’t just asking questions, he was showing that he cared. Carnegie likened this to collecting stamps, again an old idea but potentially more profitable than colleting Pokémon cards. Every meaningful interaction adds a new “stamp” to your relationship collection. People don’t want to be impressed, they want to feel heard and appreciated.? When you connect, you create an opportunity to support each other and network.

One simple way for leaders to build this rapport is by asking for advice. Whether it’s an operational challenge or just an opinion, seeking input shows that you trust and value your team. As a leader, this act of humility isn’t a sign of weakness but a powerful display of emotional intelligence.? Danile Coyle refers to this in his book, The Culture Code as the power of vulnerability.

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The Power of Praise and Culture-Shift

Carnegie shares a story about an electrical engineer who turned a struggling company around by just praising the team. By highlighting the smallest successes, this shifted the culture of the entire production. The power of praise, Carnegie explains, lies in its ability to inspire. Charles Schwab (industrialist not banker) famously said, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted their station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.”

I love that quote, it’s just as relevant in classrooms, boardrooms or factories. A teacher, recognising a child’s efforts can transform their self-perception and ignite their potential. The same applies to our teams, praise ?motivates and builds their ambition.

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The Recipe for Connection

In another example, Carnegie explains how inviting someone to dinner can change the dynamics of a relationship. It’s not about the food itself but the gesture - it’s a symbol of appreciation, even if they decline. As leaders, this principle can be applied in countless ways. Recognising milestones, celebrating small wins and taking time to say ‘thanks’, all goes towards creating an environment of mutual respect and valuing your team.

This isn’t just good leadership, it’s intelligent leadership. People who feel appreciated do more because they want to, not because they have to. This is really important when working with children, whose intrinsic motivation can be unlocked through thoughtful recognition. Remember, as a teacher, you can’t make your students behave or succeed but what you can do, is become the most influential person in that child’s future.? Connection is key.

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Why we get out of Bed Each Morning - The Mission of Education

Carnegie’s principles aren’t just applicable in the business world - they’re foundational in education too. As leaders, our influence extends deep into our communities. When we show genuine interest in people, learn about their needs and connect them to our purpose, we create a culture of collaboration. It’s not just about teaching or managing, it’s about building society.? Teachers are society builders.

By investing in relationships, a person can mobilise others to achieve shared goals. The lesson for educators and leaders? Influence is about relationships, not power. It’s about building-up the people you lead not trying to knock them down a peg or two.

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Don’t be a Grouch

The culture we create as leaders determines the outcomes we achieve. By making it our mission to learn about our teams and connect with them, we enable them to take ownership of their work. Affiliation, one of Daniel Goleman’s leadership styles is a powerful tool. It fosters loyalty, collaboration and purpose.

So, whether you’re leading a school, a class of children or business, remember this: People will do more for you if they like you – it’s really that simple. As Carnegie reminds us, success isn’t about being interesting; it’s about being interested. When you lead this way, you create the foundation for greatness, not just for yourself but for everyone around you.

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Make It Personal if you Want Impact

I know, I know, you’ve been told to never make anything personal at work. But, if you want to influence people, you have to make time to learn about them. Ask what matters to them. Help them see how their contributions align with the bigger picture, nobody wants to be cog no matter how great the machine looks. Praise them for their efforts, celebrate wins and always show appreciation. Whether you’re building friendships, leading or trying to save a marriage, these principles remain timeless.

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Give this one a go and see what happens!