Success is an Asymptote

Understanding Net vs Gross Life Views - By James Keeney

Gross vs. Net Life-Views

I recently started playing with the idea of Net vs Gross life-views and how they negatively and positively affect our decision making and more importantly, life satisfaction. I come from a background in finance and economics, so naturally I view much of the world through this lens. In my daily life I began to use the terms Net and Gross colloquially to describe any situation where one can choose to take a perspective that ignores certain variables (Gross) or one that accounts for them (Net). “Hey James, do you want to go see that new movie that premieres tonight?”. Gross, my answer is most likely yes. However, when factoring in that this would mean leaving my wife at home with a 10-month-old, I still have that report for work that needs to be done yesterday, and I’m just REALLY tired today, my answer might sound more like, “Sorry, not tonight guys”. This would be a Net response.

Gross and net life-views are decision-making frameworks that help us evaluate what we desire versus what we’re willing to sacrifice. The concept aligns with the broader field of motivational psychology, particularly with self-determination theory, which suggests that we thrive when our decisions align with intrinsic values. We don’t often think of our intrinsic or core values as being variables to account for, or hurdles to overcome, but it is necessary for one to do so to draw out proper conclusions, especially when making important life decisions, the kind that are much bigger than whether we are going to see the next big blockbuster. Gross desires are important, let’s not undermine that. They often represent our big picture goals—what we ideally want in a vacuum. It’s important to be aware of these aspirations. Net desires, by contrast, factor in the sacrifices and trade-offs needed to achieve those aspirations.

Our gross desires are akin to our ideal selves, the people we aspire to be without constraints. According to Carl Rogers’ concept of the ideal self, gross desires are dreams or visions unburdened by practical limitations. Rogers posited that our ideal selves are critical to self-actualization, yet they often don’t account for the sacrifices and challenges we face. For example, many people envision themselves living adventurous, spontaneous lives, traveling the world, or having a high-powered career. But achieving these dreams demands trade-offs. Gross desires give us a vision to strive for, but they lack the nuance of how we’ll get there. Net desires integrate reality into the equation, balancing dreams with practical sacrifices. According to Herbert Simons theory of satisficing, most people don’t pursue maximum happiness but rather seek good enough options that meet key needs while balancing sacrifices. This balance leads to net decisions, where we subtract costs to see if a pursuit is still worth it.

Understanding gross versus net can help with decision clarity in daily life, reducing FOMO and fostering resilience. By recognizing that we may not pursue something because we’re unwilling to make the sacrifices it requires, we prevent regret from festering over missed opportunities and we become more confident in the decisions we make.

The Professional Perspective & Asymptotes

The concept of deciding NOW, where I’d want my career growth to stop was a game changer for me. Growing up, I always “knew” I was going be a billionaire, an aspiration that has not come to fruition. In high school, my best friend and I had this dream of discovering the next Apple and running one of the world's largest companies. We even made plans to build mansions on a private cul-de-sac, across from each other, with a giant basement connecting the two houses underground. At that point in time, had I been employed at a Fortune 100 company as I would later go on to do, and you asked me “How far up in the company do you want your career to go”, I would have blindly said “As high as I possibly can”. Blindly is the key word here.

While ambition is admirable, research shows that having clear, intrinsic goals is more critical for long-term career satisfaction. Without this clarity, professionals have a higher proclivity for burnout, dissatisfaction, and a constant feeling of not being there yet. According to goal-setting theory, clear and challenging goals provide a roadmap for success. But if these goals are misaligned with life priorities, they can lead to perpetual striving without fulfillment. The truth is that for better or worse, in most world cultures, we have all been socialized to equate success with constant upward mobility. This more is better mindset can prevent individuals from realizing when they've achieved “enough”. The hedonic treadmill theory explains how people quickly acclimate to life-after-achievements, and once again begin to desire the next achievement, leading to an endless pursuit of more, without necessarily increasing satisfaction. This is the proverbial celebrity who has achieved “it all” and yet still finds themselves not having enough. This effect is particularly pronounced in ambitious individuals who climb corporate ladders without considering their personal limits.

During one particular coaching session I held with one of my most driven and successful team members, an individual who came with years of management experience, I asked, "What's the furthest you'd want to take your career", and much to my surprise they answered, "My current role". What made this most surprising was who was giving this answer. This individual had excellent executive presence, strong emotional intelligence, was a top performer and seemed to be someone always working on personal progression. When I asked them to expound on this answer, they explained to me that they knew the life sacrifices that would need to be made to progress their career any further and that those sacrifices did not fit into their life-plan. They told me a little bit about the life-plan they had written up with their spouse and explained that they planned to retire from the company in their current role, in approximately 10 years. Their answer had not been out of laziness, apathy or a desire to change career paths, it was out of a resolute and wholesome outlook on life. Normally, I would have been disappointed to hear a team member did not have any desire to move up higher in the company, however I couldn't have been any happier with their answer.

It’s crucial to reframe the concept of success to be contextually relevant and meaningful. The idea of reaching enough challenges Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, where self-actualization often implies endless personal development. However, recent research on positive psychology suggests that fulfillment can also be achieved by setting boundaries on ambition and recognizing when current achievements are meeting your needs and “filling your cup”.

I have another math analogy for you. The concept of the asymptote is one that I believe has greater meaning outside of mathematics than within. In math, an asymptote is a point on a graph, that a line is always moving closer to but never reaching. Let’s say you start with 100 of something but every day you had to half it. Tomorrow its 50, the next day 25, the next 12.5, then 6.25, you get the point. You can try this for yourself. Pull out a calculator, type in 100, divide it by 2, and then that number 2, and repeat that until you’ve divided by 2, 100 times. You will get 0.00000000000000000000000000000788861.

It doesn’t matter how far out you take this experiment; you will forever be approaching 0, but you will never reach it. This is an asymptote. You can also have positive-growth asymptotes. Let’s say you start with 50, then you add half of 50, half of 25, 12.5, 6.25, etc. You will forever be approaching 100 but never get there. This one is harder to grasp. It’s easy to think that if I just keep adding numbers forever, eventually I’d have to pass 100. Wrong. There are an infinite amount of numbers between 99 and 100. Try it for yourself.

Graphed, this looks something like this

So how does this apply to this concept of Gross vs Net thinking and Knowing Where your journey ends? Although I pose first and foremost that one can often find the most fulfillment by knowing where their journey ends, the alternative is possible and obtainable. There is nothing wrong with having unrealistic goals to work towards so long as you acknowledge them as an asymptote and understand how to use that to your advantage. My favorite and perhaps the clearest example of this comes from none other than Mathew McConaughey, who in his 2014 Oscar acceptance speech for Best Actor stated that he needed 3 things in life to keep him going. The 3rd was something to chase. I’d encourage you to read the following out loud, in your best McConaughey impression:

And to my hero, that's who I chase. Now when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say "Who's your hero?", And I said, "I don't know. I gotta think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.". I come back two weeks later -- this person comes up and says; "Who's your hero?" I said, "I thought about it. You know who it is?" I said, "Its me in 10 years". So I turned 25. Ten years later, that same person comes to me and goes, "So are you a hero?" And I was like, "Not even close. No, no, no." She said, "Why?" I said, "Because my hero's me at 35." So you see every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero's always 10 years away. I'm never gonna be my hero. I'm not gonna attain that. I know I'm not, and that's just fine with me because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing.

Matthew’s hero was an asymptote.

FOMO and Conscious Choice

My career pathing did not originate in banking. It started when I was in a band. We never made it big but at the time of my leaving, the band was on an upward trajectory. At the last headlining show we played, we sold out a small venue (shout out to The Rino in Kansas City) and even had people waiting and listening from outside the venue in the middle of winter. In attendance, we had radio DJs, members of The Greeting Committee, a nationally touring band and even a rep from Harvest Records, an affiliate of Capital Records. There were talks that we may have been getting scouted as an opener for The Greeting Committee's upcoming North American Tour.

I LOVED my time in the band, but I wasn’t happy, and I was not making good life choices. I’ll never forget meeting with the band in a coffee shop to break the news to them. It broke my heart.

Today, one of the band members and a longtime best friend of mine is the lead guitarist in the upcoming band Kat King. They have a record deal and are about the same size that The Greeting Committee was at the time of our old band. Often, I see a post about an upcoming show or a new single and I’m hit with two emotions. 1st is pride and excitement for my brother, but 2nd is a sense of remorse and a fear that I’m missing out on some other potential happiness.

Fear of missing out, or FOMO, is often driven by social comparison. The theory of social comparison explains that people evaluate themselves against others to gauge their progress. In a social media age, FOMO is exacerbated as we constantly see curated versions of others’ lives. Upward social comparisons, where we compare ourselves to people we perceive as better off, can lead to envy, dissatisfaction, and regret.

Studies show that decision-satisfaction is higher when choices are grounded in personal values rather than social influences. When people distinguish between their gross desires and net realities, they can make decisions without later feeling regret. By framing choices in terms of I chose this because I didn’t want the alternative, we create narratives of empowerment rather than loss. This aligns with self-determination theory, which emphasizes autonomy in decision-making. Regret can have a negative impact on well-being, particularly when decisions are perceived as irreversible. However, regret is less likely when people feel they made intentional, self-congruent choices. By adopting a net vs gross mindset, people can reframe missed opportunities as decisions they consciously made, reducing regret. This reframing aligns with cognitive-behavioral therapy principles, which encourages restructuring negative thought patterns. By focusing on what they genuinely desire, and accepting the sacrifices they aren’t willing to make, individuals can lead more fulfilling lives without constantly feeling left out.

The Mountain View Thought Experiment

Look at the picture below. It is taken from 12 miles and 9,000 ft of elevation up a rugged trail. Not literally, it’s clearly AI generated, but stick with me. When was the last time you saw a view such as this? For some the answer is “this morning”, and for the others the answer is “I’ve never seen a view like that, and I don’t know if I ever will”.

Let’s focus in on those that may never see a view like this.

Some of you likely thought to yourself, "I don't want to see a view like that … because I don’t want to climb the mountain.”

Others thought, "I would love to see a view like that … but I don’t want to have to climb the mountain.”

Pragmatically, the two answers are one in the same. It is only the difference of Net vs Gross life views that separate the two.

The mountain view represents an idealized goal or desire. The decision to climb the mountain mirrors the choices people make in pursuit of their dreams, weighed against the sacrifices they’re willing to bear. This aligns with the concept of opportunity cost in economics, which is relevant to life choices; each decision to pursue one path inherently involves the sacrifice of alternatives.

Personal values play a crucial role in how sacrifices are perceived. Schwartz’s theory of basic values suggests that people prioritize different values, such as achievement, security, and freedom, which affect their willingness to make sacrifices. In this context, a person who values security may be less inclined to take risks, while someone who prioritizes achievement may willingly endure more sacrifices for career advancement.

The first mindset in the thought experiment, those who don't want to climb the mountain, demonstrates resilience and decisional resolve. These individuals may experience less regret because they aren’t ambivalent. According to cognitive dissonance theory, people experience discomfort when their beliefs and actions don’t align. However, those who are resolute in their choices experience less cognitive dissonance, leading to a more peaceful acceptance of the path they’ve chosen.

To be clear, this is not to suggest that simply by changing your phrasing, you can avoid any regret in life. We’ve all seen examples of the proverbial moody teenager who doesn’t get to go to the movies with their friends and responds rather sarcastically to mom or dad, “Fine! It’s a stupid movie any way, I didn’t even want to go.” This does not mean that they have adopted a healthier Net Life View.

Rather, this is to suggest that one must be aligned with their core values when decision-making in order to find true fulfilment and when one does so, they begin to feel less regret or FOMO when they turn down one opportunity, because they know they aren’t really turning down an opportunity, rather they are choosing to pursue a different opportunity that better aligns with their life plan, goals, and values.

To put it bluntly, there is a chasm of difference between someone who doesn't want to climb the mountain because they have a full-time job, two kids, and already dedicate their free time a productive and healthy hobby, and the person who doesn't want to climb the mountain because it would be hard, and they don't want to get in shape. There is a lesson to be learned from this small point; One must always ask themself, "Why don't I want to climb this mountain?".

Conclusion

Perhaps, for the driven individual, the best way to view overall success itself is as an asymptote. Afterall the Oxford Dictionary defines success as, Noun: 1. the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. 2. (archaic) the good or bad outcome of an undertaking.. The very word implies that you are done, that you have ran the good race, and you have met some sort of ultimate conclusion. This is why a question such as were you successful on your exam is so easy to answer, but the question of do you feel successful in your life is so hard. It's not just that one is finite and the other has near infinite variables, it's that one isn't finished yet.

When we recognize that success is an asymptote, and that our decisions, at least should, come from an innate understanding of our Gross vs Net desires, we take on a more whole life view. We begin to see the world for what it is, married with what we desire to make it. We understand the world better, and more importantly we begin to understand ourselves better.

I offer you, the reader, this challenge: Live purposefully, in the asymptotal pursuit of meaning.

Postface

Both the ideas of gross vs net and asymptotes outside of mathematics are thought processes that have not been formally defined. This article serves as a proposal for an alternative way to use these words and view them as tools. The article also frequently references theories, studies and schools of thought within psychology. It is important to note that I am not a psychologist and while the paper has been reviewed by an anonymous Psy. M. (Master of Psychology), it has not faced peer review or study.

The definitions proposed by this article are as follows:

Gross Decision Making: A decision-making framework in which the decision-maker only accounts for their root desire and ignores other variables.

Net Decision Making: A decision-making framework in which the decision-maker accounts for both their root desire as well as all other variables.

Asymptote: An aspiration or goal that one is always progressing towards, while there is no realistic way of obtaining it.

Through all of my research I have found no existing words in the English language that perfectly replaces these. There are several that come close for gross and net decision making, but their definitions would still have to be stretched to fit their use in this article. There is no word in the English language I have found that properly captures this articles use of the word asymptote.